Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

I don't talk about their sex lives with that many people to be fair, but the ones I speak with do have sex, or complain that they don't (and eventually the relationship doesn't end well)

In my limited experience, things seem to slow down a bit or stop completely around new babies, but get back to normal after!

Or, more often than not, most first relationships don't last that long,but the second one always sound a lot better. I don't know of any people who re-marry and end up having crap sex then.

Have you had a long term relationship? It’s not like that at all.

I don't know anyone IRL who is having hot sex three times a week with their partners, unless it's a very new relationship.

I didn't say it's not possible. But I do find it odd that so many people say that this is them after X number of years. I see it often on threads.

It's well known that sexual desire tails off after the initial rush and that's ok.

😂😂😂

Uh yeah it is like shagging my best friend because I literally am?
I don’t see how that’s a bad thing? The chemistry is great, but also we know each other inside out and can communicate openly about trying new things, what we like etc.

Well, yes, it is like shagging my best friend. Because he is my best friend whilst also being simultaneously very attractive and, unlike anyone else, knows his way around my body in a way that a casual or new ‘shag’ wouldn’t. So, it’s better sex. I also don’t have to contort my body into looking thinner, less marked, ‘better’, because he has an internalised road map of it and he couldn’t give a fuck about any of my imperfections and I don’t give a fuck about having them so insecurity isn’t a thing and we are both absolutely comfortable in each others company.

Then see my previous comment about having a choice to change it together, stay as is, or end the relationship.

It's the reference to the "best friend" that is odd.

Saying that sexual sparks has gone and you feel like a sibling is yuk, but people understand the point.

Being horrified at the idea of sleeping with your best friend? What's wrong with that?

I think the issue is you have put most long term marriages end up in the scenario you describe. I think most people acknowledge that sexual desire may decrease throughout a marriage but not for most people as you have suggested.

Newbie and don't know why it's posted here. Sorry!

you think you are amusing but it's actually quite sad if you believe it's not possible.

Sometimes it's with the same partner, sometimes it means a new relationship and people needing to find the right partner to have amazing sex.

As long as you are both happy with it, who cares if you think "sex 3 times a week" is a ridiculous exaggeration, but it's quite depressing if you don't realise that it's a minimum for many couples

That's why many people walk out of a first marriage, because they're not compatible.

I’ve been single my whole life apart from a few brief relationships. Celebate for over 20 years easily.

but this post says out loud what my secret feeling is. I can’t imagine having sex with someone you know and live with and share a life with. I find the idea awful.

I totally appreciate this is a me problem and not what normal couples feel. But I appreciate being able to think about this on an anonymous forum. It’s sort of a secret fear of mine.

and a lot of my friends are married and in loving relationships and I realise that I’m missing out on a huge part of the human experience. But I don’t think lucky them for having sex. I think ew imagine having to have sex with the husband.

im not right I know this.

A lot of people separate in their 40s and 50s so maybe they are the people you're talking about. Those who are too young to face a sexless future.

Not about mils, OHs.or family disputes.
But is anyone else suffering from a horrible stomach bug?

Making love to your best friend is what marriage should be. Your spouse is your dearest friend as well as your most loved person. How can being totally intimate with them be an ick?
Passion changes - and the passion of being 'in love' is illusory and cannot last. But the long-term love between two people who are each other's best friend will grow and grow.
I miss my best friend. He died. I miss him in bed as well as out of it.

Mumsnet - where everyone is married to a super hot guy and is having amazing sex three times a week after 40 years...

Or so it seems every time I come on here!

I think you’ve phrased your problem in a way that isn’t helpful for you. You definitely have a relationship issue, and it could be fixable, but by describing it as an issue of knowing each other too well, you’ve left no room for an improvement.

Sexual incompatibility is hard to live with, and if it’s pushing you to breaking point, you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave a situation that you find intolerable.

.

Exactly this. You get a thread like this every now and then and it’s not normal, it’s overtly nasty and they stand out a mile away.

I agree: there’s a sneery and defensive tone to a lot of these posts with people suggesting its “odd” that sometimes sexual attraction fades in long term relationships.

Just because you still fancy your partner after 40 years doesn’t mean this is universal and I’m sure most people are well aware of this. People can hardly fail to have noticed that infidelity happens, even if they disapprove of it. Part of the reason infidelity can occur is because sex goes off the boil. Its a well documented phenomenon and raising it doesn’t mean someone is promiscuous or deviant or “not classy” (whatever the hell that means).

With some of these posts I feel that people are scared even to admit to the theoretical possibility that passion can dim as if its a threat to their own marriage.

No one is saying you have to stop shagging your husband and if you still want to swing from the chandeliers every night knock yourself out. Good for you. But stop pretending that fading libido in a marriage is a totally alien concept, it’s childish.

With DH for 37 years. Physical relationships and attraction changes over time. From the heady days of magnetic passion and stamina to the quiter profound understanding of shared life and mutual comfort.

Over several decades, like the moon, physical relationships wax and wane, through bereavements, broken nights of infancy, homecomings and deeper understandings.

We love each other very much and always have but neither our emotional nor physical relationship mirrors that or 35, 25, 15 or even 5 years ago.

I can see, metaphorically, what the op meant and think she's had an unnecessarily hard time on here. Relationships change, the pace changes and understanding changes.

Are you looking for an excuse to have a affair? Or to end your marriage? One is more acceptable than the other.

Or advice on how to reignite the spark and enjoy sex with your husband again? Maybe read up about sexual habituation.
And Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity.

Sex does change as you get older. For some of us, that change is a positive thing, being comfortable in our own skins and knowing what we each enjoy. For others, they need constant change and new stimuli.

But she’s only asking about it. There’s nothing wrong or odd about that.

I know, sometimes I think there’s a coordinated and planned ambush on here, I really do. There’s no way no one understands what OP was trying to say.

Well arent you classy op