Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

wow

"are you a man" is the only thing you can come up with? Because I am not going into the argument you are trying to start? 😂

You are the one very creepy here, but of course I am not a man. Some of us women do have an opinion and can stand up to the likes of you. And we also enjoy having sex with our husbands, the horror.

I will politely hush you as much as you need to be hushed my dear.

But surely you must at least be familiar with this phenomenon? Even if you haven’t experienced it in your own marriage?

I can understand people saying that the OP’s experience doesn’t align with their own but it is bizarre that people are trooping up to say they don’t recognise this idea even in theory and that this must be because she has a uniquely bad marriage? (Or in one charming example, that she is “deviant”).

Are you all really saying that just because you still enjoy sex with your husbands that you cannot conceive that anyone could have a different perspective?

It just seems bizarre and frankly unkind that people are talking to OP as if she had two heads for posing a question that millions of people have posed before.

We get it, you all love shagging your husbands. But if someone else doesn’t, it doesn’t mean they have a dreadful relationship or are “deviant”.

Don’t really think it’s pearl clutching to say you’re weird for mixing up shagging your husband and your brother 😂😂 But you do you, queen

I think a lot of people on this thread are being deliberately obtuse.

Of course there are plenty of couples who are married for decades and still have regular amazing sex, and that’s great for them.

But it’s a clearly well established fact that for many couples, as the years pass, the spark dies. That doesn’t mean that love dies. It just means that after a day of dealing with toddlers, or seeing the GP about painful piles, or planning the kitchen extension, or sorting the broken boiler, or discussing adolescent truancy, or whatever….the sexual desire that existed at the start of the relationship has dwindled.

When you each know exactly what the other person likes, sex can become a bit formulaic, each doing the things they know will work, then it’s all over and you start talking about the kitchen extension again.

Loss of sex drive is very common. If it wasn’t, then there wouldn’t be so many women wanting testosterone and men wanting viagra.

I’m 40, husband 41. Been together 22 years. Definitely not in friend zone. We have a 3 year old and the first year or so felt like we were just getting by but since the. We have both made efforts to engage with each other. Making time and paying attention.

🤣🤣🤣

OP literally asked how long term relationships survive the particular ick after stating she believes that most end up with this problem. So those of us without the problem state we are the ones still shagging and how we have achieved this. I, personally, didn't post to make OP feel weird or shit or any negative thing.

Its really not “a you problem”, or certainly not uniquely one, and it’s disingenuous and patronising to suggest that the OP is somehow unique in experiencing this.

Millions of people are in sexless or low sex marriages. There are posts about it on a daily basis on here.

Why do people feel the need to make OP feel that she’s particularly unlucky or that this is somehow her fault? Why can’t you at least acknowledge that everyone has a different perspective on this?

I was trying to work out if you'd made a really profound comment! 🤣

Sorry OP this seems like a you problem and you're projecting it on to others.

Or maybe some people put the same time and energy into their marriage as they might if they were first dating. Perhaps those people feel the passion only grows as the connection deepens. That the trust I’ve built over decades and the true love shared creates a kind of raw passion you can’t have with a fleeting encounter with someone you don’t know that well

They do indeed and good for them but I am not arguing that this doesn’t happen. I am saying that this isn’t a universal panacea for lack of sexual desire.

Sometimes people throw everything at maintaining the spark in their relationship and it’s not enough. Wanting it to be enough isn’t always enough.

Don’t hush me. are you a man? This shit isn’t normal on this post today. There’s nothing passive about me. This thread is weird, and your reply is is fucking sinister! That’s creepy af!

hush, you are trying to passively aggressively start a fight, you are not getting it with me, behave my dear.

huh?

Have we moved to a taliban regime or something? Women are not allowed to like sex and fancy their partner? Lust is a man's thing is it?

@SereneCoralExpert

It's the reference to the "best friend" that is odd.
Saying that sexual sparks has gone and you feel like a sibling is yuk, but people understand the point.
Being horrified at the idea of sleeping with your best friend? What's wrong with that?

It’s really not that odd. For most of us there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with your best friend and this is the ideal of a happy marriage but for some people sexual preference and attraction is inherently linked to that which is new, different and illicit.

That doesn’t invalidate your sexuality or your marriage, but surely you can at least conceive of this being a factor for people?

The history of art and literature and popular culture is full of examples of people looking for novelty in sexual behaviour, from Shakespeare to Nabokov to Tolstoy to Eastenders. Therapy couches across the globe are full of people trying to work through this.

I dont understand why people are pretending this is such a difficult thing to grasp. Its one of the oldest stories in human behaviour.

I've been with DH for 17 years definitely doesn't feel weird having a sex life with him! It definitely comes in peaks and troughs often around how crazy life is but definitely still fancy him and no friends zone.

We do make time for each other though even if it's having a cuddle in front of the TV.
Marriage does need continual work like any relationship.

Bloody hell we've been together over 20 years both in our sixties and just had afternoon nooky I definitely don't do that with my best friend. This is a you problem not a long term marriage problem.

To repeat - I haven't said that it doesn't happen! You've said that you had a few years of it not happening very much so it's not like it's been consistent for you over your marriage. I'm glad you've come out the other side and are enjoying that side of your relationship.

Every time there's a post like this, people jump on it to say that they have hot sex three times a week with their husband who they've been married to for X number of years. I honestly don't know anyone IRL who has that still and that's fine and perfectly normal. If you have that then great for you, but it's a well known phenomenon that it does tail off in long term relationships for a variety of reasons.

FWIW, I've had a relationship where I couldn't keep my hands off the guy but he had MH issues and was abusive. Had the sex not been so good, I would have left years before I did.

I've also had long term relationships where it has tailed off. And I'm in a new one where it could happen every day (or more) if we saw each other every day, and it's causing me a few gynae issues because of his size! But it would be perfectly fine if it did tail off a bit.

Or maybe some people put the same time and energy into their marriage as they might if they were first dating. Perhaps those people feel the passion only grows as the connection deepens. That the trust I’ve built over decades and the true love shared creates a kind of raw passion you can’t have with a fleeting encounter with someone you don’t know that well.

😂😂😂
Who was best out of the 3?

Well, I guess you don't know me IRL and my definition of 'hot' sex may not be the same as yours. However, after a number of years of us having very little sex for various reasons related to my MH and having young kids etc, I can confirm that some couples do come out the other side and into a place where frequency and pleasure increase again. Rediscovering each other in midlife turns out to be a whole lot of fun. And the more often we have sex, the more often we want to, it becomes self perpetuating.

are you not able to understand what she meant? I think it’s fairly obvious, you’re choosing to stand on your stool and clutch your petticoat and scream at the horror of it all. You know fine well she just meant that the attraction had died and it felt platonic. You’re not daft. You’re performatively shocked and baffled.

You think I’m a man? Because I enjoy having sex with my husband?

I wonder if the posters saying it's an odd question to ask and those who are still lusty for their partners/ husbands for donkeys years are men.

I think it's women who suffer this problem mostly. It's even part of human evolution. A baby around every 4 years with a different man. Allows us to spread our genes.