Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

After 21 years with my DH, I still fancy him. We have 3 DC, so clearly we'd been having sex for at least three times during our relationship 😅 Seriously, I think I have a pretty low frequency sex life at the moment, but given we have barely any time to scratch our arses in between children, work, domestic drudgery, and being knackered... we are trying our best 😆🤣

I've not got the ick yet. I've been through an awful lot over the years, and our marriage is very strong. We find each other irritating at times but not to the point that we don't want sex. Admittedly, perimenopause isn't helping me feel sexy but I guess it's something I will need to try and improve.

I’ve been fat and thin, fit and unfit, made up to the nines and in slob gear - it hasn’t made a difference to us. Dh has never been grossly overweight but I’ve fancied him just as much when he was bigger as I do when he’s slim and fit.

Have only been together 9 years so not as long term as some posters but we’ve maintained a good sex life and I was obese until recently! So not in peak physical condition but we have always fancied each other like mad.

I do think you’re right about the confidence though - it’s not necessarily the weight, it’s how you feel about it. I would bet good money your DH isn’t lying and fancies the pants off you. Men don’t see our flaws like we do!

I think you have a point both me and my DH are fit, healthy and I know he thinks I'm gorgeous and I definitely think he is.

I know what you mean OP and I agree.
The familiarity of a long term relationship is more like a friendship and deffo changes things sex wise. I could 💯 deffo give it a miss with my DH of many years and would happily never DTD again but he doesn’t disgust or ick me and I’d never ever tell him that as built our whole life together.

I'm curious how many of the hot sex LTR posters are very good looking with good looking partners. I know one poster said they are in peak physical shape and it helps. I suspect that is a pattern. Maybe it sounds superficial but it does matter. I don't think I ever saw DH in a crowd and got turned on by just looking at him. Not that i was never attracted to him or loved him, I did, but it was a deeper thing, the sexual stuff was secondary. These days my weight is a big factor and my lack of confidence kills my libido. Dh tells me he is attracted to me but I can't believe him, I feel gross a lot of the time. I can imagine many women and men don't like their bodies and this is a factor in their sex life.

So you're no longer having sex and no longer attracted to one another in that way? I guess the question is do you want to get back to a romantic relationship or not? I wouldn't be happy with life long celibacy in a relationship. Different if it was physically not possible and we needed to be creative for sexual fulfillment but just not fancying each other?

Almost 20 years hasn't done that here yet

Looking at most men in their 50s and 60s I am amazed there are so many women still fancying them so madly they want to rip their clothes off across a crowded room.

I get what you mean OP. It’s easy once you have kids to get out of the habit and it can drift to it feeling like living with a flatmate. It doesn’t help that mine nags at me all the time which kills the lust factor a bit!! There is no shame in people talking about this, I don’t know why so many people seem to be taking it personally. Even if all is hunky dory in their own little “love shacks”, they must know of friends in similar situations?! Or at least have seen it on telly 🤣

I’m sorry OP I did miss some of your earlier posts.

For what my opinion is worth - when you feel this way you have a few options: stay in a sexless marriage and learn to let go of that side of things (I wouldn’t be ok with this personally), divorce and hope that you can find good sex with someone else (risky but a lot of people I know are far happier in second marriages/ relationships), or discuss the possibility of an open marriage with your dh.

If everything else but the sex is good a lot of people will say you should try and make it work - but that’s very difficult to do when you still have a libido and find yourself attracted to other men, which i‘m guessing you do.

If my dh stopped wanting to have sex with me or we stopped fancying one another I’d be absolutely bereft. I’m hoping by the time he’s too old il be unbothered by that side of things too.

I must have missed that in which case of course many people feel the same way as the OP - that’s why more than half of marriages end in divorce!

I felt like this towards the end of my marriage. We decided to separate and divorce. Best decision we could have made.

@Dollybantree

You are absolutely steadfast in your belief that you are right and everyone else is wrong or mistaken or lying. That the people who are finding what you are saying (ie assuming everyone else in a long term relationship is basically unhappy underneath it all, has the Ick and feels like they are shagging their brother) incompatible with how they themselves feel about their long term partners must be in denial.

I’m not getting this from OP’s posts. In my perspective this is the mirror image of what’s happening which is basically that OP is saying: “this is my experience of marriage, what do I do?” and everyone else is responding: “Urgh, its really weird and deviant to not want sex all the time after 40 years, I’m not like this and still really fancy my husband…. Oh and by the way did I mention we still shag like rabbits?”

Theres something very brittle and knee jerk about a lot of the responses.

I agree - but that doesn’t seem to be what the OP was saying (maybe I missed some posts).

Il be honest - my dh and I have gone through ups and downs over 25 years. Once I came very close to divorcing him as he annoyed me so much that I didn’t want to live with him anymore.

But the one constant thing that has actually never changed is that we love shagging one another. His cock is huge and he knows what to do with it and I don’t want to give that up 🤷‍♀️ 😂

I have been married for over 40 years. I would say it is like shagging the boy I married (we've been together since we were 17 and married at 21) except that now we know what each other enjoys and we are better at it. I have had a tremendous crush on him since we were 17 and apparently he still feels the same way about me. We're also best friends.

I didn't get the brother or friend analogy . However, I don't think it's surprising or shocking to say: in some marriages, especially long term, sexual desire for your partner dissappears. In other marriages it doesn't.

I think most people would agree with this point.

😂😂

their sexual promiscuity
I am not sure you know what that actually mean, or you wouldn't employ it in this context.

You are the one who asked a question, people reply with honesty, and you are very miffed with some of the replies.

Are you offended, disappointed, questioning yourself because others have different experience?

those who accept the realities of what I’m saying
no one is questioning YOUR sex life, no one is even pretending that ALL COUPLES have a blissful sexual life (or there wouldn't be so many divorce) just not having the same experience at all. Why is it so hard to accept? Or are you worried your partner is going to find a fulfilling sex life elsewhere?

You may not be in the first throes of passion after a thirty year marriage but there is something very liberating and exciting about being with someone who loves you and knows you so completely that you have complete trust with them. Speaking as a woman fwiw I find that very relaxing and that leads to better not worse sex. The trick though is to not have too many long gaps.

Blimey, who are these strange and odd people who seem very triggered by OPs question?

Me-thinks someone's been on the wine... 🤔

Seems it's only you who has this particular 'ick'...

There a certainly many people who have long, fulfilling sexual relationships with their spouses but the need to deny and deflect the mere suggestion that passion can die in a marriage is very defensive.

Who is denying that? I have only seen posts where people are saying that it hasn’t happened to them. No one is saying that it isn’t a thing, indeed it’s quite common…

The only defensiveness im seeing is from people who seem to be getting defensive and upset that there are people out there - quite a lot of people - who are still happy/in love/having sex/ fancying their partners etc.

But again OP you are missing the point that a lot of people are making, for instance the way you word things is odd - the definition of a “fundamental truth” is:

The definition core, essential principle or fact that serves as a foundation for understanding, belief, or action, often considered universally and eternally valid, like "gravity exists,"

You are comparing YOUR feelings about YOUR experience in YOUR relationship with something that is a scientific, proven fact and applicable to everyone around the globe: ie: it’s a fundamental truth.

You are absolutely steadfast in your belief that you are right and everyone else is wrong or mistaken or lying. That the people who are finding what you are saying (ie assuming everyone else in a long term relationship is basically unhappy underneath it all, has the Ick and feels like they are shagging their brother) incompatible with how they themselves feel about their long term partners must be in denial.

That is what people are finding odd and taking exception to. No one is denying that you yourself feel that way, as that is your experience. But that doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s.

That is what is strange. Do you understand?

I’m honestly quite shocked at the number of people who seem to be interpreting your post as a direct criticism of their own marriages.

Its almost as if people are incapable of decoupling a theoretical discussion from a personal one and have zero critical thinking skills… oh wait…