Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

I know exactly what you mean. Familiarity doesn't help passion and I'm envious of couples that can move past that!

You have some unhealthy thoughts. You need help.

You really don't know what you're talking about. I've been married for 40+ years and wouldn't know what shagging my brother or best friend would be like! I wouldn't want to find out!! My husband is my soul mate and we love each other. You can't have been married for long. I don't normally reply, but u pissed me off, or was that your intention? Probably! Happy New Year

Well I was friends with my husband 1st, maybe not best friends but still. Part of what made the base of our solid relationship. Still fancy him 14 years later and the last year has actually been the best sex wise. Both lost weight, more confidence and self esteem.

I think this is an odd view tbh, yes some marriages end up this way, I would not say all and god I hope not most. Personally our sexual relationship is getting better with time and age, I wouldn’t change it!

That's not the bit that bothers me. What bothers me is realising that such a nice man doesn't in fact understand me at all, and never has.

Still, no.

There's something amazing about not having to tell or show someone though. Someone being able to give you what you need every time, and being willing to...perfection!

I kind of get what you’re saying.
I was in an extremely unhappy sexless marriage, and we actually co existed like flat mates more than anything.

im now with my new man about 3.5 years, and the sex is fantastic,and to the poster who said they can’t imagine shagging another man who wouldn’t know what makes her tick, that’s why you show him and tell him 😬😂

There is nothing disgusting in sleeping with someone who knows everything about you and cares about your feelings and pleasure.

I’d rather have sex with someone like that than a stranger who could have god knows what and doesn’t care about your feelings.

Married >21yrs and still think he’s amazing. Actually, he’s improved with age lol

This doesn't happen in all long term marriages, I think is the point.

All long term relationships go through higher and lower passion phases. The ones that last are the ones where both parties are committed to seeing it through the periods that aren't what they want and making sure they bring it back to what they do want.

It's not about "giving up" on sex. It's about navigating through the phase you're in together and working out what you want from your relationship and how to get there. If you can, you'll last. If you can't, that's why some break down.

Wait, you're married and having sex? Oh.. 🙁

It is an OP problem if she pitches up on here and suggests that her experience is the norm when it isn't for millions of people. She phrased it to make it seem like it was the norm and that in her view it was likely that the majority of people had this unhappy experience and perhaps that makes her feel better but unfortunately for her this simply isn't the case. It is sad that people find themselves in sexless, loveless or otherwise unhappy marriages but imagining or hoping that most people are the same is a rather unpleasant way to try and make yourself feel better, like when some people on here suggest that the seemingly happy couple are miserable behind closed doors, I'm sure it does happen but some couples do remain very happy on all counts long term.

How old are your children?

In a long marriage there are peaks, troughs and occasional deserts. How you feel now is different from how you felt ten years ago and how you will feel in ten years time.

The 40s for many of us coincides with peak dc/work responsibilities and sometimes the start of supporting older relatives. It can be exhausting and leave little time to spend simply with each other. Being in a trough or a desert doesn’t mean sex is gone for good.

I remember the priest who married us talking about “one flesh” not being just about sex but about bonding. Something which grows over years of shared experience and is about more than physical sex and carries us through the dry and difficult times. The young me thought this was nonsense, it was obviously just about the sex. The older me knows rather better.

I’ve been with my partner 28 years and still fancy him loads. I don’t really understand the post. He’s my best friend and I really like shagging him. We’ve had two kids and things went on the back burner when they were little but now they’ve grown up, the sex is as good as it ever was.
The whole sibling comment is just odd.

I mean, you can speak for yourself but you ain't telling me how i feel.

How does that help, out of interest?

I'm not defending anything, I just have no idea what is "icky" about sex with your best friend. That's what marriage is meant to be. A lifelong partnership with your best friend who you also find sexually attractive.

Your post may as well say, "Long term marriage is like shagging your husband!" Um, ok?

Getting scarily close to 30 years since we started having sex with each other.

Absolutely wouldn’t want to do it with anyone new. My DH knows what I like better than I do at this point! He’s spend over 2 decades perfecting various techniques and discovering new ones.

Why would a relationship that’s always been sexual start to feel like one that totally isn’t?

You can flip that though. Whilst I don't think men automatically age better than women, and it depends on a number of factors, like genetics, if you smoke, how often you drink booze, how good looking you were to start with etc; it's laughable to say 'it's amazing women fancy men in their 50s and 60s!' I mean, why should men fancy women in their 50s and 60s? Some look OK/fine, some not so good... Same with men. Some look OK/fine, some not so good!

DH and I still look OK in our 50s.. (Don't drink, don't smoke, quite good genes.) We have both been slim/a bit chubby/a bit more chubby, then back to slim again and so on, and we have still always been attracted to each other. How sad for you @Oneisnotamused that you have never experienced long-term love and attraction.

I think this is one of the saddest threads I’ve ever read as this is a reductionist on the whole state of marriage. After being through two major illnesses in the last 15 years and surgery this year my wonderful husband has been there for me through the times when I couldn’t even give him a smile, never mind a shag. I am so incredibly grateful to have this wonderful man in my life.

marriage is and never was all about sex. It’s about a deep connection between two people and if they’re very lucky they have a family to experience that with I’ve never once thought about this man as being my brother or reducing him to just my best friend he is so much more than that.

i’m sorry@Oneisnotamusedthis is how you define your marriage and you’ve really missed out

I can’t believe you enjoy sex with the man you specifically chose to marry and sleep with the rest of your life. Thats incest! 😂😂

OP, the people who say they enjoy sex with their husbands are laughing because they have chosen to keep the spark alive. It’s not about “sexual promiscuity” - I previously defined it here as a new level of intimacy born of a complex annd lifelong understanding and care for each other. This is a level of passion you can’t get from a fleeting fling.

It’s very reductive of you to say those who don’t see their husbands as brothers aren’t willing or able to discuss this on a deeper level. Of course there are women whose relationships die off or become like room mates. That isn’t because of the length of the relationship itself, it’s by falling into taking each other for granted. Many people are still deeply in love with their partners. Perhaps that should be aspired to. I certainly have found it far more fulfilling and passionate than sex with men I don’t know very well and therefore can’t fully trust or let my guard down with.

It doesn't scare me it's just not my personal experience with my husband.

I do understand that many people have sexless marriages for a variety of reasons. After my children were born for a good 6 months I was in this camp. But we always discussed things and I hope we will going forward.

It's perfectly possible to be best friends with someone and fancy them though. I think you need to have some honest conversations with your husband tbh.

😆