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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

361 replies

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:18

……..or even worse, your brother or your sister 🤮. I think most long-term marriages end up with this problem - I know some people are still happily shagging after 30+ years but……..how do long-term marriages survive this particular ick?

OP posts:
AnnaQuayInTheUk · 29/12/2025 13:12

We've been together for 33 years, married for almost 32. DH is my best friend so yes, I'm shagging my best friend. What's the issue with that?

Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:12

@ComtesseDeSpair

Thread police? Who cares where I post 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:11

You make an interesting point @gogomomo2 about the importance of companionship and on the whole, I agree with you that this element of “getting on” with the other person trumps (or at least is equivalent in importance to sex.) But what about people in long term marriages like me who are still in their early 40’s? Should they give up on sex altogether?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 29/12/2025 13:09

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:01

I don’t mind a tough crowd - I expected the “oh but we’ve been married x-number of years and still shag every day” trope. Which is fine, but it doesn’t answer the question - I still think this happens to an awful of people. Maybe it’s not so bad in later years but when you’re in your 49’s and still would like some passion in your life it does pose an issue

I think posting about it fairly flippantly in AIBU and pitching it as a broad statement that “long term marriage is like shagging your best friend / sibling 🤮” rather than just your own experience is where you went a bit awry. Post again in Relationships with the context of “DH and I love each other but we just don’t connect sexually or fancy each other any more and sex feels weird” and you’ll probably get more helpful advice.

Icouldwriteabookonmydisastrouslife · 29/12/2025 13:07

I would love to have sex with someone who knows me inside and out . You don’t have to feel anxious about doing something wrong or that you haven’t shaved your legs .
i would choose familiar sex over a one night stand any day of the week . I need emotional sex over physical sex .

gogomomo2 · 29/12/2025 13:06

A wise older friend told me when I was dating that the most important thing was to fall in love with someone who will be my best friend because as you get older the bedroom becomes less important and companionship becomes more important, plus the worse and the sickness bit of your marriage vow is more and more likely. We still are very happy in the bedroom dept but I just love being together, that’s so much more important as you progress towards older age

TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 13:06

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:47

My point is you don’t want to have sex with someone who you’re over-familiar with. Over familiarity kills lust, passion and desire after a while

In your experience. In your opinion.

Just you.

I've been shagging the same bloke for 40 years on and off. Can't get enough of each other. He's the person I love most after my kids. A friend. Confidante. Advisor. Supportive. Fucking hot man.

myhaggisblewup · 29/12/2025 13:06

I don't shag, I make love with my h of 25 years and we are still loving it, still on our eternal honeymoon in fact 😁

Freshstartyear25 · 29/12/2025 13:06

I think it can feel like shagging your friend which to me is a good thing. I’m comfortable with him, happy with him seeing all my stretch marks, not body conscious around him, not trying to gauge if he likes what he sees, and he’s the same as well. Yes we make each other happy, try new things to make sure it’s not mundane but I don’t want to be putting myself through shagging someone different every few years just because I want passion, very pointless to me.

JaneyDC · 29/12/2025 13:05

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 11:47

My point is you don’t want to have sex with someone who you’re over-familiar with. Over familiarity kills lust, passion and desire after a while

Maybe don't have a shit in the same room as when they're showering and you'll be fine.

Liissey0710 · 29/12/2025 13:05

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:01

I don’t mind a tough crowd - I expected the “oh but we’ve been married x-number of years and still shag every day” trope. Which is fine, but it doesn’t answer the question - I still think this happens to an awful of people. Maybe it’s not so bad in later years but when you’re in your 49’s and still would like some passion in your life it does pose an issue

But why is having sex with a friend wrong. Most people have sex with trust and caring. If you just want lust that only lasts if you both want it too. Do you find him attractive. Do you want to make it work or do you want to end it. You should still be able to make things fresh and exciting if you wanted too as that trust should mean taking risks is fun

Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:04

@TimeForTeaAndG

You also need to remember that sex isn't just about what happens in the bedroom. It's the kisses in the kitchen, the flirty bum squeeze as you go by each other, holding hands when walking about...

Yeah but we’re not lovers. We act as friends and companions. That’s flirtatious behaviour that signals desire and we don’t have that

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 13:03

My God. What a load of nonsense. You're like an idiot.

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/12/2025 13:02

Also, I think passion (in the "phwoar, rip his clothes off" way) does dwindle a bit over time but attraction and desire can remain.

DH and I have gone through some dry spells and it has been a case of making time for each other and, to a degree, scheduling time to have sex.

You also need to remember that sex isn't just about what happens in the bedroom. It's the kisses in the kitchen, the flirty bum squeeze as you go by each other, holding hands when walking about...

ETA: and just for context, I'm 44 and been with DH for about 18 years now. And yes, still having great sex.

Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:02

40’s rather

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 13:01

I don’t mind a tough crowd - I expected the “oh but we’ve been married x-number of years and still shag every day” trope. Which is fine, but it doesn’t answer the question - I still think this happens to an awful of people. Maybe it’s not so bad in later years but when you’re in your 49’s and still would like some passion in your life it does pose an issue

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 29/12/2025 12:58

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 12:27

I can’t be the only person who feels like this 🤣🤣🤣 I’m 43, I’ve been with DH for 23 years - we’re in the friendship zone and have a happy family life. But I don’t intend on living the rest of my life sexless!! We have two kids and we’re happy all round - but there’s no passion , it’s gone too much into the friend zone for either of us to want sex with one another

Well you have a choice of accepting the way it is, talking to your DH and figuring out how to revive your sex life, or leaving and finding someone else/other people to have sex with.

What does your DH say about it? Do you want to fix it and stay with DH?

Iloveyoubut · 29/12/2025 12:57

You’ve got a tough crowd today OP. I know what you meant. It’s like sometimes the relationship evolved to the point where you end up just feeling like you’re family, in a way that can kill the sexual attraction, I think that happens a lot more than people care to admit. I’m sure Relate wrote a book called I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You. It’s quite easy, and common to drift into that territory regardless of who says it isn’t. You’re not abnormal at all for feeling that way.

Original poster
Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 12:54

@Nevernonono

Where did I say I was planning infidelity?

OP posts:
Nevernonono · 29/12/2025 12:45

Nevernonono · 29/12/2025 12:39

That’s your marriage! You’re trying to
excuse your potential infertility by saying everyone did it!

They don’t!

Show quote history

Infidelity!!! 😩

Roselily123 · 29/12/2025 12:42

My husband is my best friend and the sex is awesome- 30 plus years ( adult children).
So no not all relationships go the ways your seems to have gone.
But there is loads you both can do to relight the ‘spark’ and bring your marriage back from the brink.

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2025 12:42

They were thoughtless, probably not intentionally. I wouldn't have remember pregnant women can't eat parma ham or salmon and my youngest is 12.

I wouldn't be deeply hurt, id be midly amused that they were so dippy

Nevernonono · 29/12/2025 12:39

Oneisnotamused · 29/12/2025 12:27

I can’t be the only person who feels like this 🤣🤣🤣 I’m 43, I’ve been with DH for 23 years - we’re in the friendship zone and have a happy family life. But I don’t intend on living the rest of my life sexless!! We have two kids and we’re happy all round - but there’s no passion , it’s gone too much into the friend zone for either of us to want sex with one another

That’s your marriage! You’re trying to
excuse your potential infertility by saying everyone did it!

They don’t!

Pavementworrier · 29/12/2025 12:35

I can see how some people end up in this situation

The trick is to marry someone to you really connect with sexually

ilovejam · 29/12/2025 12:35

What is wrong with having sex with your best friend though? Isn't that what marriage eventually gets to over the years. Knowing someone has your back like a best friend would. A companion.

I have two kids, body full of stretch marks and my husband couldn't care less. Because that is what a best friend is. Imagine the amount of pressure with a stranger. I still find my husband attractive by the way and it goes beyond looks.