Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

25 yrs together and never felt this🤷‍♂️

Or... you can prioritise other things in a relationship because it's great in many ways and know that you can't shag around forever. And you don't want an affair. But still don't necessarily think the best sex ever is with your partner!

*but you still try to reignite the spark

Decades into my marriage and sex is better than ever - good sex is all about good communication imho - maybe you haven't been working on that enough - it takes time - you need to build trust and then you're able to open up and spell out what you want or like or want to explore (or what you think you want) but I suppose you need a partner you can fully trust before you fully open up. I reckon your best chance of good and improving sex, on a regular basis, is with your partner - I guess one off sex with random strangers or acquaintances in the moment could be great (but nothing I've ever felt I wanted) but I reckon the chances are lowish - and whether you'll feel great about it and yourself all the time is way up in the air I think - work on getting it right with your partner - open up, change things up a bit - and you know you can go back for more of the same or even something better or a little different - your tastes will change over time so you need to keep communicating - what you wanted 10 years ago might well not be what you want now or in ten years time - so you have to keep talking about it imho. My partner knows exactly what I like and don't like and that varies and they'll go where I want to go - the idea of having to start from scratch with someone else.. with the time and effort involved to get it the way I want - I just don't think I'd be interested in making the effort TBH. Sex is a great thing but it's only part of what makes being in a relationship great - maybe if you're thinking too much about the sex it's because you haven't got the other parts that matter... which might account for why the sex is bothering you so much. On a positive note - both are fixable if you both really want to be in this relationship - nothing has to be perfect either.

Couldn't agree more. I love my partner, he's good for me, he's my best friend, but - honestly - sexually the early days were WAY more fun. I can't comprehend the notion of only having had sex with one man who I met at 15. I needed my 20s (and 30s) to sleep around.

But some of you are (maybe deliberately) missing the point that for a lot of people shagging the same person for 40 years isn’t enough

Yes this. People are deliberately missing the point that she doesn't find him desirable anymore and that's the crux of the issue.

I think shagging your best friend is the goal for a happy relationship and something everyone should aspire to.

But some of you are (maybe deliberately) missing the point that for a lot of people shagging the same person for 40 years isn’t enough. It clearly works for some people but if it was a foregone conclusion that everyone did it we would have far fewer affairs.

I think its reasonable to point out that there is often a tension between passion and familiarity in sex and that not everyone can come to terms with this. The question for some people is how you square the circle when you remain deeply committed to and in love with someone but no longer desire them sexually. Its very common.

Some people are content to let sex take a back seat, others are not. Difference in libido and fading attraction kills marriages.

This is where I was at with my first marriage after 14 years. He was my best friend but it was like living with a brother! I thought my sex life was over. I was wrong. Second marriage much better - 20 years later and still hot for each other!

Mating in Captivity I think it's called by Esther Perel

Have you spoken to him about it? Or do you think it’s just gone and do you think it’s gone for him too. One thing that helped me once was watching my partner so things he loved, and watching him interact with other people, I saw him through fresh eyes and it definitely reignited my attraction towards him. But then we’re not together anymore but we split on good terms. Another long relationship, the attraction never faded. I honestly don’t know if you can get it back or not bitt if you’ve spoken to him, maybe it’s worth a try. It all depends I guess on when it started fading, was there a circumstance sounding that, is it one sided? There’s probably a lot to unpack but by the same token… maybe when it’s gone it’s just gone.

Actually, I completely understand how you feel. You sort of are shagging your best friend, aren't you?! And I don't know about others, but I've developed an unconditional love which has taken years to achieve and is only matched by the love I felt inately for blood relatives. That's not to say I consider him a brother! Plus the challenges of life - and he's been there in sickness and health, and I trust him absolutely - mean any sort of mystery has long gone. I think perhaps sex therapy? You could google courses on how to relight the spark.

I kind of get what you mean about the over familiarity of it and the passions reducing but that's a life thing! Work, kids, grandkids all take our time and energy which gives us less time for our partner. I guess the passion becomes less important when you have a list as long as your arm to do every day and you just need to survive!

DH and I have been together for over 30 years now and yes it's not like it used to be. But some ill health, age etc have definitely impacted our former nights of passion but that doesn't mean it has disappeared completely.

For me, it's important to look back to those early days and remember what it was you used to love about your partner - why did you want to rip off his clothes and also why did he want to rip off yours?! Long term relationships need work in order to work so there is nothing wrong with being aware of this kind of trough that you may end up in from time to time. It's important to then do something to pull yourselves back up to a peak again.

A weekend away, holiday, date night. Reminiscing about younger days and spending time with other people can definitely stir up some passion. Getting glimpses of your partner with other people, for me, reminds me what a lovely guy he is and why I fell in love with him. His jokes and kindness to other people around him. Those little glances he gives me across the room and me to him.

It's never a done deal, marriage or long term relationships - it's always a work in progress, a bit like fitness. You can't go to the gym for 2 years and then never again for 18 months and still expect to do the splits. If there are no issues other than familiarity, life challenges and a bit of melancholy then it's worth the effort, I think.

What's wrong with shagging your best friend? Best relationships sometimes (often?) start with 2 besties finally getting together as a couple.

It might help when you don't become involved too young. If you've been together since you're 20, you haven't experienced anything else and missed out on a lot of fun.

I think the problem is people settling far too young. Good for them if they're happy, but I think they're missing out and one day it will show.

Same with having kids later on, by the time you have them, you have no regret, you've done loads and you're ready for the next step.

I think you've had unusual responses OP. Its actually really nice that so many have healthy sex lives in LTRs. Sometimes on MN it seems everyone is a single parent with an abusive ex or on their third marriage, the cohort of posters can really vary. It's inspiring to read of so many happy content relationships.

I think in reality a significant number of couples, possibly the majority go through this phase or become permanently like this. It's so common it's cliché. So you are definitely not alone. Lower libido among women in 40s is well documented so this isn't news.

As to what to do about it, I wish I knew the answer. Most of my relationship with Dh is organising lifts to activities, discussing what's for dinner and basically parenting. There is no energy left over and sex is occasional and often a chore for me. We go through patches. I don't like talking about it much but I suspect most of my friends are similar. My youngest is almost finished primary school now and I see us developing much more free time going forward. I think spending time together as a couple not as parents is crucial. Remembering to laugh together or share interests, whatever you used to do pre kids. Time away overnight is probably the best medicine, not the pressure of one night only but ideally a long weekend to really relax. Sadly not always possible, we were lucky enough to do this a few times and things felt different afterwards. It's also OK to just go through the motions and fantasise about someone else! It doesn't always have to be passionate love making and it doesn't have to be that often, but I do think it has to happen sometimes. If a schedule is needed then so be it it's not romantic but life with kids isn't anyway and impulsive moments often don't come around at all.

Also remember its ok to have rough patches and they can go on for long periods. It doesn't mean your relationship is over. Personally I don't think people who get on well should break up a family to facilitate their sex life, the priority should be finding ways to bring the spark back within the relationship.

16 years later I still fancy him and definitely don’t view him as a brother

Ill hold out for this, although at 56 and arthritic, I don't think it will be like this for 25 years- got to find him first 😂

Also I think it’s OK to be with a long term partner and still have fantasies about other people (real, imaginary or fictional!).

Absolutely fucking disgusting that you’ve been doing karaoke with your brother. I can’t believe you felt okay sharing that on MN, you deviant. If it involved ABBA, the Beatles, Phil Collins, or Fleetwood Mac, I’m truly ashamed for you.

Huh??
Slept with my husband first time at 15, now 43 and its as satisfying as ever.

Very weird post.

I think the trick might be to notice when it starts to wain and keep it up, so to speak. I think once you stop that, it's easier to slip into just friends. marriage is being good friends and enjoying sex together. if you slip from either of those, you end up where you are

do you WANT to fix it? what happens if you instigate sex? does he try? if he still attractive?

Nope, not for me. I've been with DH since I was 16, I'm now 47. Only ever slept with one other person before him. Never wanted anyone else after we met.

He's my best friend, lover, co-parent and the person I want to spend every minute with. Never gotten the ick, and probably fancy him more now than when we first met. TBF my sex drive has tanked since peri started, but it hasn't put a dampner on how attracted to him I am.

I find the thought of having sex with someone you barely know gives me the ick.

What does your DH say?

Are you both making an effort? Are you getting time away together? Doing things a bit differently.

Do you want to solve these problems with your DH or is it that this part of your life is over with DH? In that case it might mean the end of your relationship? If not it sounds like there is too going have to be some work put into it.

Long term marriage.. good or bad is nothing like shagging your sibling are you on glue

Nobody really cares where you post, but if you’re looking for support, advice, shared experiences, people open to discussing things in a helpful way etc, you’re more likely to find that on a different board posting in a different context. If you were just looking to be provocative and start a bun fight, fair enough.

We’ve been together 24 years and it’s certainly not like “shagging our best friend”. Still both fancy the arse off one another. I do think we’re quite unusual in that respect though.