Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

My brother was more interested in complaining that I'd pulled a face at him or telling me everybody hated me. I know some people have relationships with men like that, but I dont think I'd feel much like having sex with one of them.

It's not sociopathic not to believe in being a martyr.

You have a CHOICE. Either sex is important to you, or it's not. If it's not, it's a non issue, you dont' have it.

If it's important to you, and you don't fancy your partner anymore, and your sex life is dead, then why stay and be miserable? If the OP is only 40ish, that's a lot of years to be without a great sex life!

When I say, you move on, I didn't mean you pack your bag, say bye and drive in the sunset and you know it. But I stand by what I said, if the relationship is dead, you move on.

it’s a perfectly normal thing to lose attraction
it's also perfectly normal to still fancy your partner like crazy, and even more when you both know what the other like and you are very comfortable with each other.
Neither are wrong.

It's staying despite having no attraction any more AND complaining about it that is stupid.

🤣

What?!!!

30 years married and 40 years of sex here. It works well!

But I CAN see how they are together in company. I CAN hear how they talk about each other. I DO see their children ribbing them about “Dad can’t walk past Mum without pinching her bum” type things. I did know a couple where the attraction faded… they aren’t a couple anymore! Some people seem to have trouble believing that long term marriages DO have passion but I can assure they do and I honestly believe that passionate long term relationships are the norm.

I don't know why people are pretending this isn't an exact reason for people talking the spark being gone in long term marriages and relationships. Its not fucking new but people are pretending to scratch their heads about it 😅

But are you ABLE TO IMAGINE (since we’re doing that) that the attraction could have faded and you might have wondered what to do? Surely you don’t live a life where you can only understand things if they’ve already happened to you. And trust me, you have no idea about what’s going on behind closed doors with your 30+ couple friends. You really don’t.

I’ve never heard of this! I’ve been married a very long time and my husband and I are very attracted to each other. He does often work away so perhaps that keeps the passion going but I think it’s mostly because both of us have always been very fit and healthy and not let ourselves go, so we basically look like we did when we were young and the physical attraction is still very strong.

Okay, IN MY OPINION it’s odd. I wouldn’t have stayed married to DH if there wasn’t genuine passion as well as love. In our circle of friends everyone has been married for 30+ years and none of the relationships are just friendships!

But what of those couples that DID meet young? No one can go back in time and have a one night stand when they were younger to scratch that itch. Many couples are in this position and just have to deal with it. Any words of wisdom from people with their partner their whole lives? Asking for a friend.

No. It’s not odd. Relate, one of the most mainstream couples therapy organisations wrote a book on the subject. People don’t just ‘move on’ without a blink of an eye, that’s sociopathic. Just because this thread has taken a risk for the nasty doesn’t mean I’m going to gaslight myself, it’s a perfectly normal thing to lose attraction and it’s normal to wonder what to do about that. This thread is nasty, but I still know that OP is not alone in how she feels. Maybe OP didn’t phrase it perfectly, but you’re not stupid and no one else on here is either, you all know what she meant

Are we still supposed to be having sex?!?! I didn't realise!

eh? I think probably this is the result of marrying the wrong person.

No, it's odd.

It's not odd to change and not being attracted by your partner anymore, but it's not normal to imagine all long-term close relationships means people feel like " a sibling".

If you are not attracted anymore, move on. It's 2026 (nearly), no need for staying in a relationship that's dead. Life's too short to be unhappy

I completely agree with this. It was what happened in my last relationship. We’d been together for 15 years and towards the end the idea of sex with him made me feel as sick as the idea of having sex with my brother. This is what the OP means - I totally get her. Ultimately, we broke up and sex with my new partner has been 🔥 (we even have a newborn and I cannot wait for our sex life to re-start: with my previous partner I felt completely dead sexually, to the extent I didn’t think my body was capable of desire. A really grim place to be).

But that’s not odd. You can start to feel like part of the same family in a way that kills attraction

Maybe insinuating that being together for a long time becomes akin to be related? That's pretty odd.

are you new on MN?

For many posters, it's more than "normal" @😂

as if freely farting and enjoying the closeness of farting together.

How can you missed the many (many ) threads where posters fall over themselves to explain that being in a relationship can only mean not making any effort, wearing pjs at home and not being "precious" about your bowel activity.

Some people are grim on here

Totally fair. I didn't feel disconnected or hollow, especially, but I did need to find what I wanted (and wouldn't go back out dating now!). Glad you're happy!

Can I ask what’s odd about someone saying the attraction in their marriage has dwindled to the point that sex doesn’t feel the way it should anymore? What’s so ‘odd’ about that? Not everyone is you.

how is that a reasonable reply? That’s not helpful and frankly, it’s not normal either, get a grip!

Odd post. I’ve been with DH for 38 years. He is my best friend but he’s also super hot! He’s the only one I’ve ever slept with and it’s great.

I’m also really grateful that I didn’t get married young.

I’m happy with my partner and our sex life is fine and in my mid 50s I wouldn’t have the energy to go looking for an alternative anyway.

Having sex with lots of people is not all that great in my opinion, it can leave you feeling hollow and disconnected. I wouldn’t want to swap my bloke out just for the sake of variety.

But if I had met him at 19 and only slept with him I would feel I had settled far too soon. You need to understand what you want sexually and shagging one person your whole life won’t give you that.

I loved and made love with my husband until he died, after 25 years. No, he wasn’t like my brother 😳😳

The older I get, sex is less important. What is the most precious thing to me is a DP where we are both mutually feeling the same and the most precious thing of all to my is the happy family life we have.

We are all different and not all relationships are the same. If you think those older dear couples married for 60/70/80 years spent their years in a textbook married and sex every night while raising families, I think it would be an eye opener.to see what went on behind closed doors all those years.

Plus don't forget as one mumsnetter said once.... Mumsnet the place where we have 99% of the top earners that are less than 5% population. This place often doesn't reflect reality...if you're both happy that's all that matters. Plus nothing ever stays the same.