Long term marriage is like shagging your best friend

We’re completely different people after 30 years. Of course that doesn’t mean that we haven’t grown in parallel, but not many people remain exactly the same.

😂

I really disagree with this and I think this is a thought you are thinking to yourself to make yourself feel better about it. Eg- "no-one is telling the truth, they are all secretly miserable, like I am". Its cognitive dissonance at play for sure.

I am very attracted to my husband despite being married for years. He is 100% my complete physical type and even when things have been difficult (eg when the kids were born/little and we were both v sleep deprived and argumentative) it always used to really annoy me that even when I was knackered and really bloody annoyed with him I still found him ridiculously hot.

I am not worried about no longer fancying him, I actually feel genuinely sad that you cannot feel the same about your partner because frankly, our attraction has probably saved our marriage in the long term. The fact that we always wanted to shag each other has created a valuable intimacy at times when maybe we wouldn't have been inclined to make the effort for it if we had not been so attracted to each other. This really has been the glue that has held us together all these years and it makes me feel sad that you dont experience that because I think everyone deserves that kind of intimacy/attraction.

If its " ick" after ANY amount of time, you are with the wrong person.
We are still the same as when we first met 25 years ago.

Op is a creepy weirdo.

I think some people are so privileged that they're oblivious to the horrendous treatment a huge proportion of us are subjected to in our relationships and all we get told is to choose better.

Do better.

Read the room.

First world problems.

Glad your still getting it ive not for 5 years any takers ??

Totally agree with this.. coming from someone who was in a 13 year relationship and left for many reasons but the main reason was the lack of passion and sexual attraction on my part.. I think that is the crucial question- is it one sided? For me my ex was still very much wanting to be physical and 'DTD' however I had reached a point where for me it was purely a friendship and being physical was becoming extremely hard for me and he was sensing that too.. so I realised I just couldn't continue this way and had to leave. It absolutely broke us both and turned my world upside down. I loved him but I wasn't In love and I couldn't give him what he needed and I needed more.. 5 years on and I'm happily married (great physical relationship and attraction) and his also in a happy relationship. It was the hardest decision I ever made but was without a doubt the right one.

I think it's person dependant too.

For us, if there comes a day that DH doesn't slap my bum when he walks past/if I bend over or (jokingly) try and cup my boobs while I'm getting changed, I'll worry.

However, I have friends who are appalled when he does these things (only at home, having forgotten we have company/gone on auto pilot), and don't understand it when I tell them it's part of how we stay as connected as we are.

Some people are uncomfortable with this way of expressing affection/love/desire. That's ok too, just means they need to find other ways to connect that suit them.

Actually, there is a different way of looking at this. The flirtatious behaviour is something that if you practice in your marriage over time, actually engenders the desire. It is called reactive desire, rather than spontaneous desire and is how lots of long term relationshipskeep the sex intersting and alive even after spontaneous desire fades, as it does after the early stages of a relationship for many people, particularly women

The problem is that sort of flirty behabiour needs to be a regular normal part of your marriage before you get to the point where it is awkward.

A good sex therapist might help but it may be too late. Was there ever a time when you both really did have chemistry or spontaneous sexual desire between you? If yes, then there really is hope that you can get it back if you both want to. It will take some honesty and work though.

If the attraction and spontaneous desirer was never there in the first place, then that may make it a lot more difficult but you both need to be happy with this going forwards so honesty is also important here if you want a marriage that will actually survive long term .

Alternatively, accept that one of you is likely to meet someone else and/or leave at some point, when a sexless marriage no longer serves your needs. That may be a while yet though so you can of course continue as you are and just hope the marriage survives a while longer, it may well do

I get what she' means but usually it turns into love and much better .you can have sex with anyone but its just sex. I've been married 47 years split for a year so had that .we got back together and much better to have someone that really cares .when I was younger I couldn't keep up now at 65 both got arthritis happy with a cuddle..

Clearly can't tell a joke as blatantly obvious as it was. 🙄
What would we do without the literal people of the world they sure do make simple things hilarious.

I have a male friend who is like a brother to me. I totally adore him. He is somehow incredibly attractive to women but I don't feel it at all. He feels the same way about me. We've been cast in shows opposite each other because we can certainly act it... But we don't feel it.

My DH and I on the other hand... Just the smell of him is enough. Even after 30 years of fancying him. I think being with someone who knows what you like make it more sexually exciting, not less.

I get exactly what you’re saying OP as I felt like this. I told myself I wasn’t too bothered about sex. But I was! I really did want some affection and passion - honestly though - just not with him.

If you both feel this way then one of you will end up getting your emotional or sexual excitement elsewhere.
Divorce is likely as you probably aren't going to get the spark back. I divorced and it was 💯 the right thing to do.
Been with new partner 3 years and we have a great sex life and lots of affection. I feel very wanted in all ways.
He had exactly the same issue in his long marriage too (they were just best friends) and he said he really regrets staying in a sexless marriage for so long!

I'd love to give you a laughing emoji 😂

Unless.... sorry for you 🤔

It doesn't have to get dull. We talk about all sorts. We still do daft stuff we used to. We send each other articles and stories we found interesting and try to remember them later on.

It's a choice to just disappear into the mundane.

Piss off

I think some of the replies have been…..peculiar! In all my years, countless jobs, several countries snd numerous friends I have never heard a woman describe her husband as a little darling who is their everything under God. I don’t think I’ve led a sheltered life, but these types of sentiments are alien to me!

Chafing said it best, above.
My husband and I have only been together 14 years but sex is better than ever. He knows what I like - that and the love and trust, makes me come pretty quick.

Yes, my husband is my best friend, and I like to shag him. I don't understand your feeling, unless, maybe, you're not as in love romantically with yours, or as sexually attracted.

For me, I still see the 22 year old in my minds eye, even though its many many years later. I have friends who don't fancy their husbands anymore (and I don't blame them 🤣) But im more than happy with my husband but I think I'm very lucky. I sympathise you op, I don't really know what the answer is 🤷‍♀️

Thank you for posting this.
It is very thought provoking and something I have thought alot about.
I have found the responses thought provoking.
I thank you for sharing your circumstances here.

I have been in a relationship 36 years and could not imagine been with anyone else.
But I have reflected how we have lasted and think it is luck and needs to be worked on all the time.

We have two children and I feel there were times during this that our sex life diminished.

But I always reflect on how lucky I have been our lives have travelled together, this could have been different. We have changed jobs many times since we met but we are our ow cheer leaders over this time.

My husband knows me better than I know myself and I would say the same of him.
Because of this he is my best friend and my lover and for me there is a link between best friend and lover. I can been my real self with him.

However if I was in the situation of OP I would be looking at my options. Life is long when one is not fulfilled and we spend alot of time with our partners.

Perhaps some questions:
1 Do you love this person?
2 Do you want to leave him?
3 Do you think you could talk to him?
4 Did something specific trigger the switch off button?
5 Have you mentally moved on?

There maybe many other questions.
Again thank you for bring this to Mumsnet.

It's a widespread conundrum! Try this: https://guardianbookshop.com/mating-in-captivity-9780340943755/