AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

He is tight. He will
Always be tight.

If you marry or cohabit he will
End up watching what you spend

Accept or dump.

Money aside, the shelf-less oven would be a deal breaker for me

He is a greedy man. He should have offered to pay towards dinner when you offered to make it.
even worse now that you have asked him to contribute and he hasn’t.
Huge turn off.

I don't think this is necessary about the food bill but representative of much larger issues around finances and fairness in your relationship overall. I would wonder if you are both on the same page about your future and where it's all going.

This thread is revelatory. It's a bit like we're looking at that picture of the blue and black dress; are we reading the same thing?

OP is short of money following a recent change of employment. OP offered to host after her BF's parents pulled out. How grown up and sensible of her.

Many of us would have a hard time finding a spare £100 at short notice, @hattie43 -this isn't necessarily due to financial mismanagement, and neither should it preclude someone from making a generous gesture. Her only mistake was to think that her BF would, in the spirit of the season, offer a contribution toward the cost. This is not 'transactional'; way to stinge-shame a woman who is only seeking to establish a financial even keel. "Love keeps no score..." and "If you really loved him..." are two red-flag phrases which I would hope my DDs never fall for, @LancashireButterPie .

What are you doing for New Year? If getting a takeaway, you tell him, it's on him because you sorted Christmas. If he won't, then end it. He sees you as a temporary GF, or you would have got the contribution to a new mattress.

I agree that he sounds quite passive. If you want this relationship to continue I think you need to be more direct. Too late now, but if hosting again say I am happy to host but we need to split the costs, or I will buy the turkey but can you provide the alcohol (and then name what you want as it sounds like he would turn up with a cheap bottle and think job done).

I don't understand the chocolate rule though. Yes it is nice to share if you are opening them, but it seems a bit strange for everyone to do this at the same time. Yes if one person opened theirs then I agree manners would say it's kind to hand them around. I wouldn't expect everyone to then open their box to do the same.

It sounds like this is about more than Christmas. On the face of it, you are being unreasonable, as you wouldn't have payed his parents and why would he share round chocolate when there were already 2 open boxes. You also didn't say to him upfront that you needed money. But your updates paint a picture that this is not a one off.

You need to stop considering yourself as a generous person if you can no longer afford it. Make sure you aren't paying for him, or anyone else, when they can pay for themselves.

LTB!

This is what stood out to me. It gives quite the overall impression of a thoughtless manchild.

You are right to feel resentful, op.

Anyone who refuses to contribute when you did all the work, and you have specifically asked because you are struggling financially, is not worth your friendship.

The fact he didn't offer to provide a starter, wine or dessert, from the very beginning says it all.

Meanness is so unattractive. He is displaying freeloading tendancies. Don't waste any more time on him.

Just read your update OP.

You deserve much better than this tight fisted mean man.

Had you or your partner offered to contribute towards the cost of food and drink when you thought you was going to his parents?

The non contributing aside, the fact he has an oven with no shelves is another example of just feckless behaviour. Why cant he just sort it out...it isn't hard to Google oven type and just order replacements. He sounds unmotivated and with poor manners.

The chocolates don’t matter - it’s weird to expect every box to be opened and shared.
However you need the money for food as you’re struggling - if he won’t pay then ask him to leave so your shopping lasts longer.

Did he get you a Christmas present?

It was his parents who let everyone down by uninviting them - that in itself doesn't show his family in a good light.
Despite the situation being created by the rudeness of his parents her b/f didn't step into the breach. It was OP who did that. And it should have been patently obvious that he should gave been contributing towards the last minute new arrangements.

I’ve also never heard of your word chocolate rule. Why does everyone have to open their chocolate there and then? Was it a present or an obligation?
You mean you have never heard that good manners dictate mutual sharing? That if you are taking things offered by other people then you also offer them some of yours ?

I think you need to sort your finances out if you can’t afford a £100 at Christmas. You sound very transactional and like a lot of people would be surprised to be invited somewhere only to divy up the costs . If you couldn’t afford it you shouldn’t have hosted .

I agree with the “if you offer to host you pay” sentiment but I think there is another unwritten rule that accompanies that, especially in the circumstances that op describes, when arrangements had changed, that the guests offer to pay for the wine, or arrange to provide the Christmas pudding, or bring a cheese board, or if unable to do any of that, you bring a small gift and get stuck in to peeling veg or washing up,

You don’t sit there and take, take take, without pitching in or contributing in some way.

Equally op, having agreed to host, I don’t think it’s polite to ask for contributions retrospectively! But in your shoes I would be noting and filing away your bf’s behaviour for future reference as it doesn’t give a great impression does it?

The nub of the matter is whether your bf displays meanness generally in other areas of life? Does he pay for or contribute to dates? How well do you know him and how long have you been seeing each other?

BTW, if your bf has the make and dimensions, you can buy most oven shelves off the internet, as I managed to do this for an oven that we inherited when we moved house.

YANBU. I generally believe that the host should expect to cover most costs, but you don’t expect guests to not contribute at all. It would be usual to bring some kind of contribution of food and/or drink, it’s less usual to pay.

Since you’re talking about food for the whole period between Christmas and New Year, and not just Christmas itself, that’s all the more reason to expect a contribution.

Why should he pay at least half when op's son (not his child) is an adult? If anything he owes you a third. You don't get financial compensation for being the host and doing the cooking. So he owes you about £30? Hardly seems worth a row.

Would you have offered his parents money for hosting you and your son?

I agree that you sound petty. It would never occur to me to expect money from my partner so I could cook a dinner for him and my son.

I’ve also never heard of your word chocolate rule. Why does everyone have to open their chocolate there and then? Was it a present or an obligation?

100% agree with @daisychain01.

Is he generally tight / useless around the house and home? I know you don’t live together but does he keep his own place clean and tidy; does he cook for you or just throw money at takeaways and eating out?

I think in this instance he should have contributed. Neither of you were planning to host.

I don’t like his inference of ‘making this a whataboutery’ - is he saying he pays for loads for you and doesn’t ask you to contribute?

Yes he should at least pay half but where on earth can you shop for Xmas and new year for 100? Is that just food for those two days or for the in between also? Even 100 for just those two days food and booze is very very cheap…