AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

Oh dear, OP, parts of this sound like my ex - I'd leave him. Not for the Christmas (I think if you take on the responsibility of hosting, you pay, unless agreed in otherwise in advance; he was very rude about the chocolates though), but because he thinks it's fair to continue a 50/50 arrangement with someone who earns significantly less than him and because he's feeding you absolute shit about earning a fortune at some far distant point in the future and taking care of you then.

I thought the same as you. I was raised to be independent. When he ended up moving in with me (subtly... he just gradually spent more and more time until eventually he didn't go back to his place), I paid absolutely everything (full mortgage, all bills, including supermarket; which all increased with him living there as well) - it was matter of foolish pride to never ask for help or to admit I was beginning to see the situation as unfair. Then he decided he couldn't be bothered to work for anyone else anymore, so I gave him money as well, so he wouldn't be embarrased in front of his friends. I am cringing typing this - I can't believe how many mistakes I made and kept making. My point is, don't let it get to the stage where you become me.

Just read that now, I don’t think I’d refreshed the page as didn’t see that update.

@SantaHatCat having read the update. It sounds like he’s quite unreliable and you’re not on the same page long term with finances / plans.

Well on the surface it’s all nothing but I would see it as a reflection on his priorities (himself), how he lives his life and how he values me. Self-centredness and a lack of generosity of spirit would give me the ick and it would be over - although I wouldn’t specify these as reasons. I’d keep it vague and just say it isn’t working for you.

Ok, that makes sense. I just saw it on an update from OP. Honestly if you want money from anyone always ask for it before you do anything because collecting afterwards is a real pain! So OP should have said ok I will step in and do Christmas dinner for us all as your parents have cancelled but to do that I need a contribution from you and collected the money from her BF. Now he is acting tight and it makes it all awkward!

This is an excellent post @IllMetByMoonlight, fully agree.

I'm not sure why you thought you would be hosted for a token gift, but when you host your guest splits the cost? Given his parents didn't suggest splitting the cost it seems your BF comes from a family where being a guest is free. You should have asked for a contribution before you started really so it was clear.

She updated with that info. He hasn't been subbing her.

She said she lost her job following a period of illness.

You say you’ve recently changed jobs, was this by choice or unavoidable? Is he worried that you’ve taken a lower paid job and you are going to expect his higher paid job to sub you?

Like others have said, only you know if this is a pattern or one off.

Firstly why have you changed your job to earn less than before?! Secondly before you hosted you should have made it clear if you needed a contribution towards food and drink. Personally if I host I don’t expect my guests to pay or bring anything but just come and enjoy. Anything they bring is extra and only if they can afford to do so.

He definitely should have offered to contribute but don't offer to host and then count how many chocolates everyone offers everyone else....!

He sounds awful and immature generally. I would have the ick and go into the new year single.

It was decided I’d host as my bf has no shelves in his oven (so can’t cook turkey or roasties) and as my ds still lives at home we’d stay at mine

So how much were you planning to pay his parents for your and your son's contributions and what is the difference?

I do agree that it is a concern if he agrees to contribute to things and then not actually pay though.

What a fuss over not a lot.

Were you going to pay his parents for hosting?

This is really petty over £30 and some chocolates.

I couldn't be in a relationship where I'm asked to pay back contributions and split bills. I prefer to go with the flow and either pay the full bill or none, dealing with "you owe me £x" would drive me mad. Some people are opposite to that which is fine for them if both halves of the couple feel the same. It sounds like you and your bf aren't compatible in this way. The stress and conflict around money is likely to really increase if you were to move in together and if you were to get married. Maybe you're just not right for each other.

I agree with this. But then if you have to give him a list of basic manners, and he is generally tight, maybe just throw him back.

I once went on a date with someone who picked me up in his car. We had a lovely date but his care was a disgrace. It put me right off him as I just saw it as him not doing basic adult tasks.

The chocolates thing is weird. I wouldn’t have opened mine until I got home and actually wanted them. That reminds me of being poor (during childhood) and sharing them because we didn’t have much food. Therefore we were all excited to see a box of chocolates. Your partner is tight and has taken advantage of you. You have to stop allowing it to happen.

I think it’s difficult to say without knowing his side. When he talked about “whataboutery” does he mean that he pays for lots of small things which mount up? Or that he’s started to detect an attitude that since he now earns more he’s expected to subsidise you and your DS?

One thing for sure though, you cannot depend on this person for financial support of any kind so you need rock solid finances in your own right. Why are you now earning a lot less?

I think if I’d been asked to host at the last minute I’d either have done it much more cheaply (think a £8 roast chicken and a few bags of veg), or declined and just said let’s do our own thing. Or said, “Ok let’s do it at mine, but you bring booze and meat, I’ll get everything else in.”

Oh God is there anything worse than a stingy man? He’s an absolute miser, and thoughtless to boot! I couldn’t be with someone like this. Any decent partner would contribute anyway never mind last minute change of plans and financial hardship. And it’s not about keeping tabs on the chocolates, it would’ve been very obvious if one greedy, grabby person took one of everyone else’s and didn’t even open theirs. It’s embarrassing.

Also, why does he have no shelves in his oven? Is he the type that has a single chair and a TV in the living room? He sounds like a manchild. Get rid, OP. You deserve better!

when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery.

I’m having genuine difficulty understanding how these conversations went. Could you explain, please? The idea of you directly asking someone to chip in and then just ignoring you - to your face - or refusing (for a reason that makes no sense) is fascinating to me. As that is simply not how people generally behave.

And when he’s doing/saying these things, you just sit there?

This! Get rid now

OP didn't really have much choice but to offer, did she, given the circumstances she was left in at virtually no notice? If my parents had done something like that I would have been fairly mortified and I certainly wouldn't expect a boyfriend/partner to take over all the work and expense with no contribution.

Agree.

In fact, the more I think about this, the odder it sounds. If we’d been in the position of the planned hosts cancelling last minute, we’d have gone together to the nearest supermarket to brave the crowds and made it a joint job, probably a bit excited about our first Christmas dinner cooked together, and enjoyed picking our favourite bits.

It would have been an occasion whereas this sounds like an obligation.

And before the ‘love isn’t transactional’ posters come at me for being idealistic and skipping through Sainsbury’s hand-in-hand, raise your bar.