Page 4 | AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

SantaHatCat · 2025-12-29T07:45:59+00:00

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box. AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

daisychain01 · 29/12/2025 18:28

@LadyBlakeneysHanky On Chocolate-Gate, you're spot-on (and on all his other ickery) it's right stingy keeping his box to take home and tucking into everyone else's. Who does that! Seriously, is he so hard up he won't break into his box.

that's seriously stingy-worthy.

no matter how people try to dress this one up, this man squeaks when he walks,

get rid OP you deserve a lot better.

Skybluepinky · 29/12/2025 18:27

More fool you hosting if you didn’t want to pay.

BearPear · 29/12/2025 18:22

It sounds like he doesn’t see you as a “team”; ideally once his parents rescinded their offer you should have done something together about making alternative plans. As it is it all fell on you, and to make it worse he dismisses your feelings and doesn’t really answer your concerns. I think he isn’t worth your time op, get shut.

TheHillIsMine · 29/12/2025 18:22

This idiot is making a lot of demands on you. The whataboutery was a way to make you shut up and that worked. If you don't want this forever then leave now. He won't change. He has no reason to.

The chocolate thing- very weird.

ismiledather · 29/12/2025 18:19

Makemeanonymous · 29/12/2025 08:33

Just read your update OP.

You deserve much better than this tight fisted mean man.

This.

He's shown you who he is.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 29/12/2025 18:14

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:36

So my question now is do I sweep this under a carpet and monitor or do I press on and ask for a contribution to the food again one final time?

Why would you sweep it under the carpet? Genuinely asking, as I don’t get what that would achieve.

DisappointedD · 29/12/2025 18:08

Just reading a few up dates, you feel like your on eggshells in your own home, he’s heavy handed with your DS, you have to lock your pet in a conservatory. Added to the original lack of care and consideration over Christmas, what does he actually bring to your relationship?!

NeverOneBiscuit · 29/12/2025 18:07

I’ve read all your posts OP - your bf sounds like a small minded, nitpicking fun sponge.

One thing that jumped out at me. You say you were off work for 6 months & had health issues. At this time he ‘cut his cloth’ to match yours, & managed to save some money.

Everything with him is transactional. If he really cared about you & was a generous soul (in every way, not just money) he’d have stepped up in your hour of need.

I’m not saying he should have paid your bills etc, but in the short term he could have said let’s get a takeaway, I’m paying. Or popped to the shops for a few things he knew you needed, or paid for the odd meal out.

Nobody has to do these things, and nobody should expect it. But, if you truly love & care about somebody you want to do these things.

Get rid before NYE and you can spend 2026 walking around your home without having to avoid the eggshells. I’m sorry but he sounds horrible.

Millytante · 29/12/2025 17:49

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:45

I do not want my ds to vape in the house. I have asked him on multiple occasions over the last couple of months to stop as it’s bad for his health. He is a typical teenager but as I had started a new job my ficus was elsewhere so I didn’t ’police’ it. My bf stopped coming to my house as it made his eyes sting. I then put it to my ds he wouldn’t come back unless the vapes went in a box. He failed to do this and then my bf said that if I cared enough about him I’d have sorted it. He then had a word and explained to my ds this is why he hasn’t been coming to our house. My ds sorted out the vapes but had been complaining to me that my bf is bring OTT. I explained I don’t want them in the house either and can he just respect my rules as I would like a quiet life. My bf also has an issue with our pets. Particularly our cat that I now put in the conservatory when preparing food as although he doesn’t jump up he feels better he’s away from food while I’m cooking.

Show quote history

Oh, the lad is a teenager? Gawd knows where I got the idea he’s 23. Tell him the cost of his boxes of vapes could have bought you all a decent turkey.
What was he going to do on Christmas Day when you were with your boyfriend’s family?

(And your cat should tell you to get a grip and see where your real loyalty and affections should lie! Locking her away when that man is over, FFS)

ContentedAlpaca · 29/12/2025 17:49

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:45

I do not want my ds to vape in the house. I have asked him on multiple occasions over the last couple of months to stop as it’s bad for his health. He is a typical teenager but as I had started a new job my ficus was elsewhere so I didn’t ’police’ it. My bf stopped coming to my house as it made his eyes sting. I then put it to my ds he wouldn’t come back unless the vapes went in a box. He failed to do this and then my bf said that if I cared enough about him I’d have sorted it. He then had a word and explained to my ds this is why he hasn’t been coming to our house. My ds sorted out the vapes but had been complaining to me that my bf is bring OTT. I explained I don’t want them in the house either and can he just respect my rules as I would like a quiet life. My bf also has an issue with our pets. Particularly our cat that I now put in the conservatory when preparing food as although he doesn’t jump up he feels better he’s away from food while I’m cooking.

Show quote history

I have a lot of sympathy and had my own teenage vaper issues. I don't think your bf is being heavy handed in this case but I do think it's between you and your son. Otherwise it could feel all about the boyfriend in your son's eyes and it could become a wedge issue between you and your son, rather than your son respecting that it's an important thing to you.

Blushingm · 29/12/2025 17:48

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 08:27

We have always gone 50/50 as I have always wanted to be seen as independent and am not a freeloader.

I lost my last job (after a 6 month period of sicknessI) and have found this financially difficult. I supported myself while not working and have been completely honest about my financial struggles and medical conditions with my bf. As a result of my financial constraints we have done less and not gone out as much. He has cut his cloth to match mine which is resulting in him being able to save more money.

he talks about the future and him having big plans for us and that I won’t need to worry about money. He has said this a few times.

Last September I got a new mattress which he said he’d pay half towards but never has. I’m worried he says things but doesn’t follow through. I reminded him what he’d said about the mattress (over a year ago) and his response was - had I asked my cat to contribute?

I’ve been very generous but now I have to watch every penny.

We went for a long walk the other day and he bought me a hot chocolate and said it was a treat. It was very nice but I have to be honest it grated on me as obviously I’d bought all the food and the last time we’d had hot chocolates there, I paid so it was more like ‘his round’.

I asked him to bring wine (to have with the Christmas dinner) and some lemons if passing a shop as I forgotten them.

Why should he have gone 50/50 when your grown up son is there. You’ve not asked your son for a contribution

If I’m invited to do wives house I don’t expect them to ask me for money. I’d likely take chocolates or wine or something

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:45

ContentedAlpaca · 29/12/2025 17:16

It's possible for someone to have more than one vape or to have used it indoors and put it back.
Are you happy with your son vaping in your house?
It's not really up to you partner but if you aren't happy you need to make the request not to vape in the house come from you

Edited

I do not want my ds to vape in the house. I have asked him on multiple occasions over the last couple of months to stop as it’s bad for his health. He is a typical teenager but as I had started a new job my ficus was elsewhere so I didn’t ’police’ it. My bf stopped coming to my house as it made his eyes sting. I then put it to my ds he wouldn’t come back unless the vapes went in a box. He failed to do this and then my bf said that if I cared enough about him I’d have sorted it. He then had a word and explained to my ds this is why he hasn’t been coming to our house. My ds sorted out the vapes but had been complaining to me that my bf is bring OTT. I explained I don’t want them in the house either and can he just respect my rules as I would like a quiet life. My bf also has an issue with our pets. Particularly our cat that I now put in the conservatory when preparing food as although he doesn’t jump up he feels better he’s away from food while I’m cooking.

OP posts:

Millytante · 29/12/2025 17:44

Tryagain26 · 29/12/2025 17:16

I know it's not the point but I'd like to know how you could get Christmas food and drink for the whole period up to New year for £100. What did you get and where from ?

I was wondering too, and after OP’s last update I’d say she’d definitely not get any joy if she pressed the boyfriend for a cash contribution.
If he’s such a big earner, with a difficult attitude to money as OP very well knows, that conversation could be extremely regrettable.

I said a few minutes ago, I reckon it’s time for them to admit defeat and bin the whole liaison, which seems to have no basis in compatibility.

MummaMummaMumma · 29/12/2025 17:44

He sounds horrible. Forget about the money and tell him to leave.
He's shown you how little he thinks of you, listen.

ContentedAlpaca · 29/12/2025 17:40

Forget about a contribution for lunch as I think that is muddying the issue and making things feel more transactional than necessary

Tell him you're struggling financially because of the sudden change in plans and ask how he can help.

See how he responds and be prepared to LTB

Millytante · 29/12/2025 17:38

It’s not a terribly important point, but what was your 23-year old son originally going to do for Christmas Day? When the plan changed, did he contribute nothing?

Though this relationship (not to mention his volatile family background) sounds very ill-suited in general anyway, it’s nevertheless possible that just as you had been invited to his family dinner, so was he to yours as far as he was concerned, ergo no need for shouldering part of the expense as you'd have been cooking it all anyway. (NB, that’s just how I’m imagining train of thought went)
Have you ever inspected his cooker, by the way, or might that barking mad revelation about the absent shelves have been made up on the spot?

In the evening, all that chocolate scoffing is a mere nothing, and his retaining his own box for future enjoyment isn’t too strange at all since they were a gift. (Otherwise you have four people each eating a whole box of chocs each, anyway!)

About the mattress. Whatever about his saying off the cuff that he’d give you half the cost of it, ultimately it is nowt to do with him any more than your roof or back door would be, so it wasn’t worth chewing your nails over.
He obviously makes rash promises about expenditure, maybe just for something to say. But it clearly isn't a habit you can abide, so take note there.

There are so many jagged edges between you, I’d just give it up as a bad job myself. Too much anxiety and resentment already, and you don’t even live together. You just don’t really fit together.
The differences here in temperament are fundamental, and will become ever more pronounced and irreconcilable between you.

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:36

So my question now is do I sweep this under a carpet and monitor or do I press on and ask for a contribution to the food again one final time?

OP posts:

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:32

Tryagain26 · 29/12/2025 17:16

I know it's not the point but I'd like to know how you could get Christmas food and drink for the whole period up to New year for £100. What did you get and where from ?

A combination of Aldi and Morrisons… 5p veg deals, sliced turkey from the meat counter, basic xmas essentials 1 box mince pies, xmas pudding, custard, cider to drink and I’ve been making teas/dinners from scratch

OP posts:

jnh22 · 29/12/2025 17:20

Newnamehiwhodis · 29/12/2025 07:57

People are insane if they think this is acceptable.

I know - I’m baffled by some of the replies that she is being petty!

To me this issue is less about keeping track of who spends what but more about manners and being in an equitable relationship.

it does not sound like OPs boyfriend is well mannered nor that he considers their relationship equitable - and both of those are pretty big relationship issues.

ContentedAlpaca · 29/12/2025 17:16

It's possible for someone to have more than one vape or to have used it indoors and put it back.
Are you happy with your son vaping in your house?
It's not really up to you partner but if you aren't happy you need to make the request not to vape in the house come from you

Tryagain26 · 29/12/2025 17:16

I know it's not the point but I'd like to know how you could get Christmas food and drink for the whole period up to New year for £100. What did you get and where from ?

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:13

beigeybeige · 29/12/2025 17:04

Ick. personally I would be rethinking him.
His family sounds horrible to cancel, unless they had an absolute emergency and he sounds like a selfish dick who stands about and lets a woman do all the work and he can’t even operate his own oven. He doesn’t even pay his way. I’m going to take a wild guess he doesn’t make a massive effort with your young lad either. Have a festive LTB.

So he did use to make an effort with my ds. The problem is my ds vapes and my bf can’t stand it. He says he can smell it in my house and it makes his eyes sting. He spoke to my ds a few weeks ago and asked him to keep his vapes in a box near the back door. My ds has done this. I don’t vape and I am glad the vapes are now out of his bedroom. Yesterday though we entered my house after a walk and he immediately said I can smell something (intimating it was vapour from a vape). I checked the box by the door and it was in the box as agreed with refill vape liquid. He didn’t know what to say to me. I said it must just be a scented candle his gf had lit. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells in my own home.

OP posts:

CoffeeBeansGalore · 29/12/2025 17:07

He sounds selfish, lazy & tight. Do you really want to waste any more time, money & effort on him?
Go into the new year without this useless lump dragging you down.

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:06

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 29/12/2025 16:56

so I didn’t say anything further

I don’t understand this. Why? Because he’d said some nonsense to you? ‘I don’t want it to become a whataboutery’ is an utterly nonsensical response. He clearly doesn’t even know what the term means.

He’s being cheap and selfish. There is absolutely no rational response to what you asked, so he’s dodging the questions. Require that he explain himself.

I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who behaves like this, but I’m not one to whip out the MN LTB. I do, however, think you need to learn to assert yourself and stand your ground considerably more.

Show quote history

I think the reason I didn’t say anything more is because I have realised that I was wasting my time. He is a very non confrontational person and just goes quiet. He does not sulk but he goes quiet. I don’t want to think the writing is on the wall but he does keep saying things and then doesn’t follow through.

OP posts:

beigeybeige · 29/12/2025 17:04

Ick. personally I would be rethinking him.
His family sounds horrible to cancel, unless they had an absolute emergency and he sounds like a selfish dick who stands about and lets a woman do all the work and he can’t even operate his own oven. He doesn’t even pay his way. I’m going to take a wild guess he doesn’t make a massive effort with your young lad either. Have a festive LTB.