Page 3 | AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

MrsJeanLuc · 30/12/2025 21:08

What??? The people who were supposed to host let her/them down - what's she supposed to do? She kindly spent a lot of money on rescuing the day, the least her partner (boyfriend) can do is share the cost

MagicStarrz · 30/12/2025 20:58

It's not great your bf is refusing to contribute but perhaps he's a bit put out as I also think it's a bit off that you're asking after the event. If you offered to host, that doesn't usually mean the attendees pay. If you expected that, you should have said at the outset.

As for the Christmas chocolates, yes this does sound petty. If I give someone a gift, I don't expect them to open it and share it with me.

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:53

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/12/2025 20:47

You are not paying fo him are you?

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No, we will be going to one pub before we meet for the meal. There we will be splitting the bill with friends at the end of the night

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CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/12/2025 20:47

SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:32

Yes, I’m talking to him shortly. We are out tomorrow for a NYE meal with friends that’s £30 each plus drinks too… I’m starting to dread anything now which involves money!

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You are not paying fo him are you?

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:32

ContentedAlpaca · 30/12/2025 20:24

@SantaHatCat have you decided what you are going to do?

Yes, I’m talking to him shortly. We are out tomorrow for a NYE meal with friends that’s £30 each plus drinks too… I’m starting to dread anything now which involves money!

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Original poster

SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:27

nomas · 29/12/2025 08:00

Yo need to address this asap.

Tell him that you expect him to pull his weight financially and to pay half.

Is he usually tight? Do you end up paying for dinner at restaurants, cinema tickets etc?

We have always gone 50:50 but since I lost my job and accepted one paying a lot less money I have struggled. We were going away on short breaks and out more socially but as I can’t afford that now, that has stopped.

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ContentedAlpaca · 30/12/2025 20:24

@SantaHatCat have you decided what you are going to do?

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:20

Endorewitch · 30/12/2025 19:14

You offered to host. Would have been nice if he offered to buy alcahol but he didn't. Seems a bit stingy to me. But when the chips are down you were the hostess. IMO that means it is your responsibility. And there are 2 of you.
How on earth you spent only £100 for 3 of you over the Xmas period is beyond me. If you and your son opened boxes of chocolates ,he obviously didn't open his. He kept them for another day.
You sound very ungenerous . Sorry to say that.
And if his parents hadn't invited and then uninvited you,I assume you would have hosted xmas. Would you expect him to pay then?No wonder he doesn't want to talk about it!

I hear your comments but we are a couple so why, when that is the case do you feel I should pay for the day in its entirety. Would you think it was fair if it were you in my position. I hosted last year too. I could say it was my bf’s turn but I bridged the gap despite his parents changing our plans. All this on top of me being the lower earner. You are entitled to your opinion. It is interesting. I only had £100 maximum to spend - that is how I achieved it.

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Straycats · 30/12/2025 20:09

We do the same in our household regarding chocolates, we always share, so if someone holds back…. well it wouldn’t happen and be in poor taste.
He’s a miserable miser, who should have stepped up paying for Christmas meal. Please please let us know how it goes. X

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 30/12/2025 19:52

It's a tricky one when hosting as many have said. Some expect the host to shoulder the costs, whilst others always offer to contribute £ or bring something.

For me it's the mattress comment:
Did you ask the cat to contribute? 🙀.

This shows no respect, no intention and gaslighting.

A man who isn't true to his word is not worth it.

Endorewitch · 30/12/2025 19:14

You offered to host. Would have been nice if he offered to buy alcahol but he didn't. Seems a bit stingy to me. But when the chips are down you were the hostess. IMO that means it is your responsibility. And there are 2 of you.
How on earth you spent only £100 for 3 of you over the Xmas period is beyond me. If you and your son opened boxes of chocolates ,he obviously didn't open his. He kept them for another day.
You sound very ungenerous . Sorry to say that.
And if his parents hadn't invited and then uninvited you,I assume you would have hosted xmas. Would you expect him to pay then?No wonder he doesn't want to talk about it!

SardinesOnGingerbread · 30/12/2025 09:35

It's not about the money, it's the signalling of his lack of care. Of course he doesn't want it to be about keeping count whilst he's quids in. This isn't someone who has your back. My husband wouldn't dream of leaving me with less.

mamajong · 30/12/2025 08:47

If you are hosting and want to share costs you need to say that up front so the other pwrson has a say in whats spent and bought. It sounds like you just bought all the stuff and then asked him to pay afterwards, personally if im contributing i would prefer to know and agree the cost up front not be guilted after the event.

Regarding the chocolates you sound petty - no one has to share their xmas gift. If you do, you dont do so in order to receive back surely?!

Only you can decide if your financial outlooks are aligned longer term, maybe thats worth a calm 'going forward' conversation

Livpool · 29/12/2025 22:12

Stinginess is so unattractive - throw this one back. He is a cheeky fucker

Bleachedjeans · 29/12/2025 20:48

🚩 🚩 🚩

the whataboutery comment
not opening his own chocolates but eating everyone else’s
no shelves in his oven. Why the hell not?

Any self respecting man would help or contribute. Sounds a bit of a loser.

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 20:36

Thanks everyone for your honest thoughts on my situation. We are meant to be out on NYE with friends for food and drinks so I’m going to give everything that’s been advised and said on here serious thought

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Millytante · 29/12/2025 20:22

Jinglejells · 29/12/2025 19:07

Op I think you need to look at this from the bigger picture. Look at his parents, they had a fallout and simply cancelled on everyone. Normal, sane and rational people don’t do that.
They didn’t care that they had guests coming, clearly they are a difficult family.

A normal person would also feel bad on behalf of the parents and offered to more than accommodate the change. Contributing to the food was the very bare minimum he should have done given all of this came from his family. He did nothing and look at his attitude now? Now you see the bigger picture here, the type of people his parents are and who he is and do you even want someone like this? To be apart of a family like that?

Zackly.

Now you've confirmed your son had his Christmas Day utterly buggered up too by the push-pull invitation by that family, the least the boyfriend ought to have done was make it up to him, even he couldn't exert himself just for the lad’s mother.
Pub lunch on Boxing Day, for example. If we are swallowing the bilge about effing oven shelves, that is. (Bet he has an air fryer and MW, which would have be grand!)

Bin the lot of them and don’t look back, certainly not looking for a few quid you feel owed. Write the whole experience off, and look ahead.

Millytante · 29/12/2025 20:02

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 18:52

My ds is 18 not 23 and he was invited to the bf’s parents house too as they are us ‘as family’. The fallout with his brother resulted in no one going on Christmas Day. My da’s gf spent it at her house with her family. My ds was invited there but I said it was important he come with me to my bf’s parents as good for my ds to socialise and us all to get to know each other. Obviously plans changed and I still wanted to spend the day with my ds as I always have.

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Yeah; I corrected that misapprehension in a previous response to you.
Bet that boy was peeved enough as it was, being required to refuse his gf’s Xmas dinner invitation only to find his mum’s difficult bloke had an even odder family. What a letdown.

I repeat what I’ve said earlier: this scene is way too testing, demanding, anxiety-inducing etc etc to be a good investment of your hopes and expectations.
You'll make yourself a good deal sicker if you try to force things to form the shape of a happy and fulfilling ‘family’ relationship though you both run on very different operating systems.

Even if your own happiness weren't important, there is your teenaged son, and more important, there is your poor cat to consider!

Why submit yourself to more of this fretting about the man’s whys and wherefores, when what you need, if you need anyone, is a mature, self-sufficient and grounded man (free of parental influence), not an oddbod whose principal contribution to your joy in life is additional worries.

Moonnstarz · 29/12/2025 19:43

Why not spend more time at his? Would he cook you dinner there (or at least get a takeaway considering the oven doesn't work). Also the mattress situation wouldn't be an issue (assuming his is better than yours).
If he doesn't want you round or doesn't make you comfortable at his then I would see it as him using you.

DualPower · 29/12/2025 19:20

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:36

So my question now is do I sweep this under a carpet and monitor or do I press on and ask for a contribution to the food again one final time?

Neither. Just ditch him.

Jinglejells · 29/12/2025 19:07

Op I think you need to look at this from the bigger picture. Look at his parents, they had a fallout and simply cancelled on everyone. Normal, sane and rational people don’t do that.
They didn’t care that they had guests coming, clearly they are a difficult family.

A normal person would also feel bad on behalf of the parents and offered to more than accommodate the change. Contributing to the food was the very bare minimum he should have done given all of this came from his family. He did nothing and look at his attitude now? Now you see the bigger picture here, the type of people his parents are and who he is and do you even want someone like this? To be apart of a family like that?

ismiledather · 29/12/2025 18:53

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 17:36

So my question now is do I sweep this under a carpet and monitor or do I press on and ask for a contribution to the food again one final time?

It would be absolute madness to ignore this.

You have to start as you lean to go along. He's taken advantage of you. Either address it and he changes or you need to dump him.

Original poster

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 18:52

Millytante · 29/12/2025 17:38

It’s not a terribly important point, but what was your 23-year old son originally going to do for Christmas Day? When the plan changed, did he contribute nothing?

Though this relationship (not to mention his volatile family background) sounds very ill-suited in general anyway, it’s nevertheless possible that just as you had been invited to his family dinner, so was he to yours as far as he was concerned, ergo no need for shouldering part of the expense as you'd have been cooking it all anyway. (NB, that’s just how I’m imagining train of thought went)
Have you ever inspected his cooker, by the way, or might that barking mad revelation about the absent shelves have been made up on the spot?

In the evening, all that chocolate scoffing is a mere nothing, and his retaining his own box for future enjoyment isn’t too strange at all since they were a gift. (Otherwise you have four people each eating a whole box of chocs each, anyway!)

About the mattress. Whatever about his saying off the cuff that he’d give you half the cost of it, ultimately it is nowt to do with him any more than your roof or back door would be, so it wasn’t worth chewing your nails over.
He obviously makes rash promises about expenditure, maybe just for something to say. But it clearly isn't a habit you can abide, so take note there.

There are so many jagged edges between you, I’d just give it up as a bad job myself. Too much anxiety and resentment already, and you don’t even live together. You just don’t really fit together.
The differences here in temperament are fundamental, and will become ever more pronounced and irreconcilable between you.

My ds is 18 not 23 and he was invited to the bf’s parents house too as they are us ‘as family’. The fallout with his brother resulted in no one going on Christmas Day. My da’s gf spent it at her house with her family. My ds was invited there but I said it was important he come with me to my bf’s parents as good for my ds to socialise and us all to get to know each other. Obviously plans changed and I still wanted to spend the day with my ds as I always have.

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Rosie8880 · 29/12/2025 18:40

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 07:45

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

I get it - you’re short of cash and then spent for Xmas. You didn’t budget for it and had expected Xmas elsewhere. You stepped in last minute for you your bf and son. Forget about the presents - they are gifts and the receiver does what they want with them. I think the thing here is partnership working - you are it seems now skint. If you share with your bf that you are skint as a result can the two of you discuss this. See here that leads - open it less as accusatory more of an open discussion. What I do find is there are costs and spend over Xmas that both partners pay for and when add it all up, often costs balance themselves out. But have that chat. Good luck.

daisychain01 · 29/12/2025 18:36

If someone said "whataboutery" to me, I'd have to say what the hell are you on about? What even is that? Totally weird.