Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lonely dad, emotionally absent wife

57 replies

Outdoordad · 29/12/2025 01:43

I need some female advice. I'm a married dad of two and I feel like I'm lost. I've been with my wife for 16 years, and married for 7. Our sex life has been up and down the whole time. Great initially, then non existent for many years (postpartum depression, I didn't pressure her, I understood). And then around 5 years ago it was really good. Having sex 2 or 3 times a week. And it wasn't just the frequency of sex that improved. She seemed to enjoy it more. She became less inhibited and we would have sex in the middle of the day and she was more open to trying new things. Around the same time she started reading a lot on her kindle. This became apparent during the first lockdown when we had all day to do nothing and she would lie in the sun in the garden and just read. I asked what she was reading and she would just answer "all kind of things". Anyway some time later she left her kindle on the kitchen counter and it was open. I wasn't snooping (then) but I looked at it just out of curiosity. It was then I found out that she was reading erotic novels. This surprised me as she was always against things like porn or sex toys or anything like that. I didn't say anything cause it was none of my business.
Then around 6 months ago things just stopped. She started making excuses like she was on her period (I knew she wasn't cause she's always kept her pads on the radiator on the bathroom when she was.on). We've had sex once in the last 6 months. I haven't asked her why cause she doesn't really like talking about this kind of thing. She reads these books constantly, even during the day when the kids are in the room. She doesn't know that I know. She's very obvious when she tries to hide it. I walk in the room and she closes her phone (she uses the kindle app on her phone now). If I sit next to her she turns towards me slightly so I can't see her screen. When we were on holiday she would move her lounger so I couldn't see her screen. I often wake up in the middle of the night and find her awake reading. I don't really care that she's reading these kinds of books, what bothers me is that there's no intimacy. It also bothers me that she's so secretive about it. I feel like she doesn't trust me. I'm beyond depressed and it's getting to the point where I think I'd rather be alone than live like this (I'm literally in tears writing this). I need some outsider viewpoints and I'll answer any questions no matter how personal.

OP posts:
Wonderfulowl · 29/12/2025 05:21

FieryA · 29/12/2025 05:06

Why? He is only asking for advice.

Show quote history

I think that poster meant he could've said please.

FieryA · 29/12/2025 05:06

AwkwardatChristmas · 29/12/2025 02:07

I need some female advice.

You need some manners.

Why? He is only asking for advice.

NewUserName2244 · 29/12/2025 04:38

For women, much more than men, wanting sex is much more closely linked to how they feel about the relationship in general.

So, things like an imbalance in the domestic load, “parenting” a partner etc tend to kill sex drive for women when the two things feel unconnected for men.

The reason I’m writing that is because you said that her sex drive dipped significantly post partum, which is a time when women often end up with an unfair workload.

You don’t have to answer this here but do you do 50% of the work in the home, including a fair share of the planning, organising, sorting kids etc. If you’re at all unsure, I’d ask her the question of whether she thinks that you do 50 percent.

Its not guaranteed to fix things, but if you don’t do your share, then switching to 50/50 May well go a long way towards improving things.

Meadowfinch · 29/12/2025 03:13

She's your wife. Talk to her. Communicate !

She's reading her books out of a need for intimacy or excitement or romance. You staying silent is not exactly supportive or engaged, is it.

When was the last time you took her away somewhere interesting without the dcs? Does she work? Does she have her own money to book holidays and activities, or is she reliant on you?

What would happen if you arranged care for the dcs and took her away for the weekend? New places, new experiences, a change of scene and food, no responsibilities.

GarlicRound · 29/12/2025 03:08

Sudden withdrawal of intimacy (all kinds) very often means there's someone else. I'm sorry you're feeling abandoned.

I think I'd rather be alone than live like this

Alongside many, many others, I can attest from personal experience that there's NO loneliness like the loneliness of being with someone you love, but being in that relationship all by yourself. Being alone's a walk in the park by comparison.

How old are your children, how's your relationship with them? Are you (or can you be) well prepared to be a good 50% parent?

Wonderfulowl · 29/12/2025 03:00

Is she reading erotica or romance books? Can you tell us the titles so we can see the content?

Because this happened to a friend of mine, she started reading romance books and the romance, relationships and sex life of the characters showed her what she wanted in a relationship and what was lacking in the relationship she was in and she ended her relationship.

AwkwardatChristmas · 29/12/2025 02:07

I need some female advice.

You need some manners.