Positive stories of your autistic girls and women

Very proud Auntie here of an autistic 21yr old. School was horrendous, struggled through primary, secondary was a disaster. She has ADHD and learning difficulties as well and she just couldn't cope, leading to anxiety issues, sleep issues, meltdowns, running away from school etc. In Yr 10 she moved to a special unit who were far more understanding and things began to turn around. She didnt get any GCSE's but went to college who's SEN team were fantastic with her. She did things like bricklaying and woodwork and really found her niche. They helped to get her on a Stone Mason apprenticeship and it has been the making of her. The company she works for understand her ways and accept her as she is and she has flourished. She has finished her apprenticeship a year or so ago so is qualified, and they are training her now in more specialized things. Learning to drive is her next challenge. She has got some friends who have been around for years now and understand her and genuinely seem to care for each other.
Socially she likes to be included but can only cope for a while. All friends and family know her ways, so she just finds a way to disappear for an hour or so and rejoins. People just accept this as they are used to her and she either just sits in a different room or walks the dog for a bit. Sometimes she disappears with my DD or one friend as that's easier for her.
Something you said about the loneliness of feeling different really struck me. Just before Xmas she had a 'bit of a to do' and that is exactly what she was trying to say I think. She was going on about being lonely but couldn't express why as she has friends and family that love her but she was different and has to try so so hard to do things.
The main take away from our experience is that too long was spent trying to fit our square peg in a round hole and causing her a whole lot of trauma in the process. She is now very happily in her square hole and she is the kindest most caring soul and we are so proud of her. She has her ups and downs but she has a fantastic job she loves, good friends and things have turned out far far better than we could have hoped. If you would have told me she would be working full time and earning more than me I would never have believed you. She amazes me every day.

My daughter is 19 and was diagnosed at 8. Primary school was not the best experience did well in secondary with the help of attending the ASN base. She has struggled massively with her mental health and anxiety but is at university and doing well. She has gone from someone who could not speak to a stranger to travelling around on buses and doing things independently. She plays in a band and is starting driving lessons. Life has not been easy for her but she is very determined and we are so proud of her.

My daughter was diagnosed at 13, she’s now 15. We’ve had a tough few years just before diagnosis and afterwards but that was mainly down to mainstream school not being right for her. She is home educated now, aiming to sit maths and English GCSE and go to college to do hairdressing. She has a very small group of friends all autistic and attends 2 youth groups. She is funny and smart and after taking her out of school and getting through burnout it is amazing to see her become herself and develop her special interests. I’m a single parent and we have a lovely relationship…probably very different to other families of NT teenage girls but I’ve had to learn and adapt and I wouldn’t change her for the world!

Yes this helps my daughter too, taking books to places

Oh, and you also mention that your DD often wants to leave social occasions early. I have found that allowing my DD to take books with us everywhere we go helps to give us a little longer at parties and social gatherings.

I could have written this post myself. My DD10 is just as you describe. She is not officially diagnosed, but has many ASD traits. I also have another DD who is a social butterfly. It is a very difficult juggle because they are so different.

I also strongly suspect that I am ASD, although I have never sought a diagnosis. I have learned to mask a lot. And I have learned enough to have a long-term partner, lovely home, two DDs and a career. What you describe about your DD does not preclude her from having these things (or whatever her wishes in life are), although she may just take a little longer to find her people or hit her stride.

Not to scare you, but one of the things to keep an eye out for during the teen years with your DD is the possibility of PMDD, which is an extreme form of PMS. Many neurodivergent women suffer from this, so it is a good thing to read up on in advance of the teenage years, in case it appears for your DD (hopefully not).

@fruitfly3 we went for a bigger secondary school, in the hope that DD1 would have a bigger pool of people in which to “find her tribe” and it worked well - she had a close little cohort of geeky friends, and they are all close today. The “tiny, nurturing village primary” was a nightmare. We lived opposite the school and I’d see her at break every day either mooching by herself or sitting on the “friendship bench” hoping that someone would come and talk to her. It didn’t help that the classes were mixed year groups, and she was learning with the 11 year olds when she was 8, so every year, until her peers caught up, her cohort left to go on to secondary.

My 20yo is at uni and potentially getting a 1st in NatSci, after getting all A* at A Level. I was so worried about her "surviving" at uni - I knew she wouldn't struggle with the course but I didn't know how she would shop, cook, clean, socialise and make friends. She made no friends at college.

She's absolutely thriving, has more friends than she's ever had and is in so many clubs. It's like a different person. She has had some nasty comments about being different but every time, there's been someone standing up for her as well.

DD was diagnosed autistic at 15 - just over 4 years ago.

Secondary school was horrible. she struggled mostly with social side and anxiety/depression, as well as developing agoraphobia, leading to missing over a year of school and ending up being educated at home via the council’s outreach programme (specialist teachers coming to our house).

She got 4 GCSEs, went on to do art diploma at college and is now at University doing a Fine Art degree - if you had told me 4 years ago this would happen I’d have laughed at you. She now has a lovely group of friends who are completely accepting and supportive, a lovely boyfriend and is always out and about!

she still struggles from time to time, but is more self-aware of becoming overwhelmed or stressed so manages day to day life much better.

Let’s face it, being a teenage girl can suck anyway, but I think autism can exacerbate things. It can definitely get better though!

I am 34 AuDHD I had a tough time in school, with friendships especially. I remember when I was about 8, very clearly being in my bedroom and realising, and thinking "Oh, im not like other kids". Unfortunately at the time my home life wasn't great and I didnt get any help. I struggled right up until sometime last year when I finally understood myself. I am successfully raising 2 SEN children as a single parent.

My eldest is 13, she likes her own company, loves art, creating stuff, has a brilliant imagination, loves Greek mythology, cats, supernatural anything and books. She isnt a fan of social things and her social battery is small. Doesn't like school but after some very rough patches, does go to school.

I think what makes the most difference to a ND young person, and their "outcome" is understanding, having people around them to help and support them.

I watch my kids, I study them and their facial expressions and body language and this tells me a lot, so I can pre-empt triggers and changes and redirect earlier so they dont get burnt out. Puberty is rough, not gonna lie.

I know its easy to say, but deal with things as they come. Try not to worry about what might be. My daughter is dyslexic and couldn't read, I was sad because I love reading and books and I really wanted her to be able to enjoy that too. I really thought she wouldnt get to the point of enjoying books. But now she is a real bookworm and her Christmas list was pjs and books. We can worry about so much, and find out later that we never needed to worry.

The fact youre asking and that you care so much, thats all she needs. Understanding, care, love and acceptance, youre doing great 🥰

Same here. 13 year old DD in year 8 and i feel I'm.counting down the years until year 11 ends.
It's all the social side.
It's really hard as a mum and I worry about her.
Had school refusal at primary.

My anxiety and panic attacks were at their peak during A levels . My attendance at college was around 30% because I’d feel so physically sick with anxiety. It wasn’t so much the A levels themselves but I had so much anxiety about the upcoming transition of moving away to uni. My mum was so worried about me and she paid for me to have weekly CBT. I feel bad thinking about how much anxiety she must have had herself.

and then uni came around and for me it truly was some of the best times of my life. Writing all this I do feel so incredibly grateful for my mum, she’s been such a huge support and she’s my best friend.

I was diagnosed at 32 so I’m so happy for your DD that she won’t have to suffer through school the same way I did and that you support her in being who she is :)

I’m married with two kids and a good group of other autistic/adhd friends who share my hobbies and interests. I work as a graphic designer. I don’t make millions* but am paid well enough to have a comfortable life.

*Though I have a high IQ and have always been academically gifted it was unfortunately the arts side of things that I preferred rather than anything useful like business, science or maths.

I am also in this boat with DD15, who received a diagnosis of ASD at 12.
She is academically very capable and tries her best for fear of getting into trouble, but I wish she could find her tribe and something that brings joy rather than anxiety to her life. Whatever that may be.

Thanks for these stories too. School has been an utter nightmare for my DD and GCSEs are traumatic. There is hope beyond all this which is what I am holding onto as right in the thick of it now. Thank you, I needed to hear this.

My dd is in her 20’s. She has been a very late developer in many ways, she got interested in the preteen (9-12) activities and interests well into her teens, started being interested in teen type stuff in her 20’s, she seems young for age still but actually is independent, married and happy. Mental health was pretty rocky throughout 12-22 ish but then improved quickly, she has fortnightly therapy though to keep her in a good place, uses her benefits to pay for it, she doesn’t work but is studying (again!)

DD - now 20 - is autistic and has ADHD. Frankly, her first 13 years were hideous. She was very violent at home and became a school refuser. Life was tough for the whole family.
We got her into a local tiny private boarding school which had around 18 pupils per year group. This was when she was 13 and it changed everything for the better.
She is now living with friends at uni, whilst she is studying for her degree in SEN and Disability studies, with hopes to go on to do a Masters degree to qualify as a drama therapist.
She has done musical theatre since she was 6 years old and still does it now at uni. She's doing great and we are so very proud of her.

i'm 18 and AuDHD and have ARFID. i struggled through school, primary was rough because teachers refused to believe my mum when she said i was autistic, so i didn't get any support. i got diagnosed at 13 and so high school got easier when teachers realised i actually did need the help my mum was begging for. i got good gcses (if i do say so myself 😁) and went on to my sixth form to get my a levels. i did subjects i loved which was a nice change from being forced to do maths (which i hate and am sooo bad at) to being able to study sociology and media which i love!! i'm now at the uni of leeds and yes my uni experience looks less like your "typical" uni experience, but i'm enjoying it and i'm managing alright. the disability support team are amazing and have been so helpful.

i've had lots of bumps in the road, many friendship fall outs because i kept befriending people who werent very accepting of my needs. but i know much better now, and always listen to my mum when she has (correct) suspicions of people being bad eggs! i have struggled with friendships all my life but i have a solid few people in my life who are accepting, loving, and caring. it took a while but it was so worth it.

its just so hard feeling like the odd one out, i always felt it was like everyone knew there was something "wrong" with me, like everyone was in on some joke i hadnt been told about. but your daughter will find her people, she will find parts of life she loves. i hated doing "social things" until i discovered you dont have to force yourself to hang out with people in difficult settings, social situations can be chill and relaxed and i have amazing friends who accept that if im going to be social, its going to look a bit different to other peoples idea of being social, e.g. ill go to a cafe but wont be caught dead in a club 🤣

i know when i was 9 my mum was so so worried about me because she knew i was disabled but couldnt convince anyone to take her seriously. she was terrified id never get the love or support i needed. but 9 years later, im not doing too bad for myself. i hope you feel better seeing that lots of autistic women are so successful and happy after adolescence.

sending hugs xx

My best mate is a newly diagnosed autistic 43 year old woman and is fundamentally one of the best people I know.

shes fucking incredible. Yes, she struggles socially, but she is the best person I know, she is kind, so bloody intelligent and interesting, I trust her completely. She had a career she enjoys, finds value in and contributes to society with. She has a happy marriage of approx 15 years. She has close ties to her family and is a loving aunt and sister.

im so proud of her for getting her diagnosis and the bravery she displayed throughout it.

she’s a star.

Thank you for starting this thread OP. My 10 year old DD is autistic and I really needed to read some of these replies.