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Original poster

Asked to leave over DH comments

533 replies

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 19:55

I write a long post but I lost it so will be brief.

DS is 23 and an only child. He and DS dont have the best relationship. As a teen he really struggled mentally. It took a hit when at 17 he started uni, he attempted suicide and thankfully his friend was there, he then dropped out which DH wasn't happy about. He always made little comments over the years and does about other things too.

Fast forward to last summer, he moved a few hours away and got a flat with the friend from above after visiting him a few times a month. I always suspected this was more than a friend but I obviously never said anything. He's never came out as gay either or anything like that.

Last year, DS came home for Christmas on his own but this year he let us know he was going to stay in with his friend and spend it just the 2 of them. This confirmed it more that they're more than friends again I have non-issue except DH did as the friend comes from a Muslim family though I don't know how much he's practicing. But DH made ridiculous comments about how the friend was stopping DS from celebrating Christmas etc.

Myself and DH travelled yesterday to stay with them as planned for DS’s birthday today. It our first time visiting their place as usually ds comes to us. They have a 2 bed flat and dh was already making things weird by asking ds where he was going to sleep if we had the other room. And by laughing at a gift that the friend had bought him branding it childish, it was a soft toy which the friend said reminded him of DS and it was the only gift ds showed us so he was clearly happy with it

Later that evening ds had a migraine and vomited a few times and went to bed leaving the friend with us, dh already had said that DS was being “dramatic” and was just hungover but he then was quizzing the friend on how fine his parents are if he's gay and other invasive questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and tried to avoid most of them, and made an excuse that he was going to check if ds needed anything which dh also mocked by saying he's a grown man he can get things himself.

Fast forward to today, DS’s birthday but he still wasn't feeling well so his friend went to the shops, while he was gone DS told us/dh to stop asking questions that is none of his business (about the family etc). Which caused an argument and ds admitted that yes he's gay and they're in a relationship but he didn't see why he had to tell us as it's not a big deal, DH then basically told him he didn't approve of him and said he wouldn't care if it was anyone else but “him”, DS then said they've been in a relationship the whole time so his opinions weren't important and said the bf is the only one who's properly been there for him and he was so unhappy and hated himself for being gay but now he's finally happy with his bf (we knew none of this).

By this point ds was crying and his bf got back, he asked ds what the matter was and ds said him meaning dh. The bf then told us it's best if we go so we did and now we're in a hotel. I'm furious with dh, he's furious with the bf and says he's turning ds against us because ds would never have spoken to him like that before and said he doesn't approve the bf because he's “weird”

Ds is also ignoring my messages. I dont know how to go from here.

OP posts:
GarlicRound · 29/12/2025 01:26

DH was going on and on even when ds was crying. He was still going on when he was packing his things

This is a disgusting way to behave - to anyone you've already reduced to tears, let alone your vulnerable son. What an absolute bastard.

The young men offered an olive branch. He ripped it up and shoved it down his son's throat. DS must've been devastated. I don't think DS will want to lose both of you, but you may end up forcing him to by bleating at your husband instead of firmly distancing yourself from him.

Your call. You have to make a choice. For the avoidance of doubt, it's not DS or his boyfriend imposing this choice; it's your husband. That in itself is despicable. He must feel very sure you will put up with his shit, even when it means losing a son. Will you?

Goldwren1923 · 29/12/2025 01:20

Why haven’t you stopped your asshole DH there and then and told him to shut his mouth???

fatphalange · 29/12/2025 01:18

Your dh is a cunt who loves tormenting your son and treated his bf appallingly. You really need to step up if you don’t want your poor ds to think you’re complicit.

Elopeme · 29/12/2025 01:15

Heartbreaking2000 · 28/12/2025 22:34

Without hesitation you get in a taxi and go and hug your son

This! Why aren’t you with your son right now?! A measly text message… Fight for him. He might never invite you to his house again.

ThatGapBetweenXmasAndNewYear · 29/12/2025 01:10

Your H is an absolute tosser OP. I'm surprised they put up with you as long as they did. I'm sure your DS knew exactly how his dad would react if he told him he was gay, which is how come he hasn't, until he was forced to. You need to visit him alone from now on and apologise for standing by and not sticking up for him when his dad was being a tosser both to him and to his DP. You're going to have no relationship with DS at all otherwise.

I wouldn't expect DS to want to stay in touch with his dad, or if he does stay in touch it'll probably be low-contact and he won't want to spend special occasions with him. So I'd speak to him and ask honestly if he wants to come for Christmas or birthday etc and if not, accept that. I've got a difficult parent and special occasions are out of bounds to them. There's plenty of other weeks in the year for family visits, I don't want special occasions ruined by an awkward atmosphere, never mind a full-on row.

BauhausOfEliott · 29/12/2025 00:56

So basically your husband is a racist, homophobic prick who treats his own son like dirt. Why on earth would you want to stay with him? He’s vile.

fretaway · 29/12/2025 00:48

Didn’t want to just read and not comment OP. Your DH sounds to be an absolutely awful person. All of his actions and words appear to point towards how he feels and how disappointed he is in his son. Pushing for 100%, the lack of empathy after the suicide attempt, not approving of his son’s relationship. Not even considering your ds’s happiness, it’s all about HIM.
Make sure your son knows that you love him no matter what and do not make any excuses for dh and you do not share his opinions at all. Your ds is in a loving relationship and is happy, contrary to what your dh thinks sounds like they had a lovely time celebrating Christmas just by themselves and without the judgement.
I know it might not be so easy to just leave your dh but to be honest if he carries on like this you need to question if you can carry on living with him.

Millytante · 29/12/2025 00:47

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 22:06

You've let your son down big time. Don't be surprised if he never wants to see you or your husband again

I am sorry for you because your husband caused this - but you need to pick a side and that is that

Show quote history

Surely by dithering at all, she has chosen a side.

deadbobaplace · 29/12/2025 00:42

It sounds like your husband is a vile person who has always been vile to his(?) son, and all you have ever really done is tell him to stop being vile..

Which he ignores, so you might as well not even have done that.

If his suicide attempt wasn't enough to wake you up, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to engage with either of you. He's lucky enough to have found a partner who actually understands him, cares about him and supports him. If I were you, I would respect his choices and his boundaries while taking a long hard look at my own.

JFDIYOLO · 29/12/2025 00:36

He didnt 'admit' he is gay.

He told you he is gay.

Words matter, because they reflect and sometimes betray the mindsets and character that lie beneath.

Also you appear to have chosen an arsehole over your own child.

Just look at yourself.

Inmychristmasera · 29/12/2025 00:30

Nothing would have kept me in that hotel room. I would have been back at your son’s door to reassure him that you love him as he is, whoever he is with, and that you do not agree with anything his prick of a father said.

I would also be divorcing your husband. I could not be with someone who treated my children the way your DH treats your son. It’s appalling - it’s emotionally abusive. Can’t you see that the migraine was most likely due to the stress of having you both visit?

Your husband is a cunt. A bullying, racist cunt.

I can’t quite believe how angry and upset I feel on your son’s behalf.

Littlejellyuk · 29/12/2025 00:30

Reallyti · 28/12/2025 22:33

DH drinking isn't a problem, he only drinks a couple of times a month, if that. I did try and make him see he was wrong but he doesn't see it that way he's put all of the blame on the bf even though he wasn't there for most of it. He says he wouldn't have an issue if ds was dating a man but not “that man” (his words).

I did tell ds I loved him no matter what and I just wanted him to be happy and I did try to hug him but he pushed me away. The whole time DH was saying that he must be ashamed of the bf as he doesn't introduce him as that. DS tried to say that he wasn't ashamed and he doesn't care that most people definitely know, he just enjoys it being just them but if anyone asked he wouldn't lie and he’d say yes. But DH was going on and on even when ds was crying. I did tell him that was enough but he wouldn't listen. He was still going on when he was packing his things. I don't think DS intended for things to go that way or that he was even going to come out there and then

I haven't gone over because he's not replied to my messages and I don't want to upset him further but I don't want to lose him either. Today was supposed to be a lovely day even if he wasn't up to the original plans, it was the first time spending his birthday with all of us as he's usually at home with just us. Another hotel room is a good suggestion but I already paid for this one so it will be £££

But DH was going on and on even when ds was crying.
So not only is your fella a MASSIVE BELLEND. 🔔
BUT..! He is a BULLY, who doesn't know when to SHIT HIS FUCKING MOUTH. 🤬
What a absolute twat. 🤢

Your poor son CANNOT WIN. 😫
He is always going to lose here. 😔

So DH is not bothered about him being gay, as long as it's not with 'that man'. 🤔
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???
Cherry picking, belittling, blame everyone else, bullying, snide little bastard. 😠 😡 😤
Your hubby needs to FUCK OFF AND GROW UP.
Yuck. He will lose his son.
But you do noy have to. 🫂
I would be siding with my son 💯 and if the husband doesn't like it, then he is free to leave. 👋
He can either shape up and listen to his own lad and be happy for him, or piss off with his stupid ego and he will break up his own family. 🖕
But he will probably blame someone else.
Despicable and tiresome he is. 🫩
@Reallyti
#teamsonalltheway

OneNewEagle · 29/12/2025 00:22

You get in a taxi and you go and hug your son and his partner and tell them both you love them.

And if it was me my marriage would be over as my DS would come first always.

Willyoujust · 29/12/2025 00:20

I honestly think that I would have to divorce my husband if he ever behaved like that towards my son. Horrible behaviour. You’re not going to have a relationship with your son if you stay with him.

Daaaaahling · 29/12/2025 00:19

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:53

I'm not projecting. Someone made a post further up the thread saying that my mum was responsible for what happened to her. She was not

Typical lazy mumsnet reaction when people can't be bothered to read previous posts

I have read the previous posts. It seems that you are arguing that as the OP is not responsible for her husband's behaviour, she shouldn't be criticised in terms of her reaction to it.

What I would counter is that whilst you are right in that OP isn't responsible for her husband's reactions she is in fact, responsible for her own. Which would include the choices she has made so far and now has to make in reaction to his abusive behaviour. And you know, so is everyone who is of their right mind and free to act (domestic abuse can void either of these ofc, but no reason to assume that is the case for the OP).

I don't really see a useful comparison to your mum's situation and that's what I mean about projection. But we all do projection, other posters will bring in their feelings about related or parallel situations which they've experienced too (eg the feeling of being let down whilst someone stood by and let them be abused).

But anyway, it is a moot point about accountability really because whether or not OP feels or is accountable for those choices she is making - they will bring consequences regarding her relationship with her son. And she's asked for advice on that.

I personally agree with you about being unnecessarily harsh towards someone just for the sake of berating them but there's a balance of actually trying to convey just how serious things are / the son's perspective as well. A boiled frog and all that - it seems likely that this particular father-son bullying dynamic is so longstanding the OP doesn't recognise how toxic and damaging it is. It's not nice to hear "you are in boiling water and your skin's about to melt off" but it does need to be said sometimes.

I hope some of that late night rambling made sense and wish you well.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 29/12/2025 00:13

Yeah side with your boy. A message to let him know you love him unconditionally, support him and are appalled by your DH and an apology for not saying this in the moment - with no expectation of a reply for starters.

SugarCoatSandwich · 29/12/2025 00:13

You meed to think really, really long and hard about the sort of mum you want to be (and be remembered as) vs the mum you are while with DH.

I get the feeling if you were a single mum, DH would have been open with you long ago and you'd have all had a nice weekend.

Instead DS will remember being forced to come out, his sad be a twat and you hand wringing to keep the peace (and de facto standing by DH by still being with him).

All for a twat, conspiracy theorist who is currently basking in a self-righteous booze fog. Its sad and you and DS deserve more. Bet you can recall hundreds of similar stories over the years?

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:59

MrsofClaus · 28/12/2025 23:55

Do you mean me? That's not what I posted at all.

Show quote history

It sounded like it to me from the post you made. That my mum was responsible for what my brother and I went through. You maybe didn't express what you meant well but it very much sounded to me that you thought my mum was responsible for the abuse she went through.

Otherwise I would not have explained the context behind it all

Night

Willowywisp · 28/12/2025 23:59

"He said he wouldn't have an issue if he was dating a man but not "that man'".

Is your husband racist?

MrsofClaus · 28/12/2025 23:55

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:53

I'm not projecting. Someone made a post further up the thread saying that my mum was responsible for what happened to her. She was not

Typical lazy mumsnet reaction when people can't be bothered to read previous posts

Do you mean me? That's not what I posted at all.

XWKD · 28/12/2025 23:54

Your son needs you to advocate for him. Your DH can go fuck himself sideways.

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:53

I'm not projecting. Someone made a post further up the thread saying that my mum was responsible for what happened to her. She was not

Typical lazy mumsnet reaction when people can't be bothered to read previous posts

Daaaaahling · 28/12/2025 23:51

Roobarbtwo · 28/12/2025 23:33

I'm actually quite astonished that someone has posted on here suggesting that my mum was "complicit" in the abuse and the beatings that she took from my stepfather. She was not on any level. She tried to get him out of her house. He would not go

He didn't touch me or my brother but he beat her - that was back in the day when beating your wife was just an argument in the eyes of police

And my grandpa was dying at the time which was a reason why she didn't tell her mum what was going on

But she got to the point where she could take no more and she told my uncle who threw him out

My mum is wonderful. She set up an advice centre in my home town and took in women who were suffering. They lived with us

I won't have my mum being blamed for what she went through by a complete stranger on here - and people could be a lot kinder to the OP. She's not the issue here

I'm sorry for what you experienced. But you are projecting somewhat, these two situations are not remotely the same.

At the end of the day, OP's son does not have any obligation, and indeed may not be emotionally able to maintain a close loving relationship with his mum whilst she stands by and watches his father emotionally abuse him. There is nothing about OP's posts which suggests that she isn't free to do otherwise.

I can't imagine that you would describe your mum as wonderful, if rather than herself being a victim of abuse which she ultimately had the strength to escape, she had tolerated and turned a blind eye towards someone emotionally abusing you, even well into your adulthood? It's clear that you admire the way that she advocates and supports victims of abuse, rather than standing by and making excuses for their abusers?

So whilst I don't agree with berating the OP - she is doing something wrong if she wants to maintain a close loving relationship with her son. She does quite literally have a choice to make.

BigMommasHouse · 28/12/2025 23:51

Scarydinosaurs · 28/12/2025 20:03

You don’t have to sit and passively watch this play out.

You tell your son you love him, you’re proud of him, and happy he has picked such a great man to be his partner.

Your husband sounds awful. Do you want to be with him? How much easier would your life be without him?

This!

Side with your poor son. What an absolute cock your DH is being. That would totally put me off him. TBH I think I would struggle to come back from this.

HisNotHes · 28/12/2025 23:45

Your son needs to be your priority. Let him know that he is.