Asked to leave over DH comments

Keep on standing up for your DS. You’ve messaged him and he may need a little time to feel better after “d”h’s appalling behaviour. I suggest you arrange to visit DS on your own in the coming weeks to enjoy time with him and get to know his bf. It sounds like he has a good match in his lovely bf.

My DH would be toast if he had done this to our ds.

I wouldn't be anywhere near my husband if he did that.
Go and see your son. Tell him you support him fully and will always be there for him. If you don't t do this now you may loose him.
Your husband is vile.

You’re enabling your abusive husband to bully and harm your child. He probably dominates you too. You can’t change your husband. Your only option is to leave him if you want to properly support and maintain a relationship with your son.

I would lose all respect for my husband if thought it was ok to treat his son in that way.

I'm not sure it will be possible for you to keep a close relationship with your son, now your DH has a consistent history of being a dick to him. Each time you don't speak up for your son when your husband is making inappropriate comments, you are tacitly taking his side and your son will feel like on some level you agree with what his Dad is saying.

It's really important for women to filter the husbands of their children for homophobia. Every woman I know would have dumped a man on the spot if he showed any sign of it and several of them explicitly asked their partners how they'd feel about a gay son before marrying them.

Your husband is a bully. He is the problem.

Im glad your son has found happiness.

Now, ypu need to be on his side.

This is sad. DP and I went out for dinner last night with one of my oldest friends and his boyfriend - now fiance! - to celebrate their engagement.

About 15 years ago he had a very similar experience to the OP's son, having had a similar childhood in which his strict, religious parents had consistently pressured him to be someone he wasn't. Their background homophobia became full-on homophobia when he tried to come out to them. The blow-up 15 years ago was the end of their relationship - he went NC after that and hasn't seen them since. It was so amazing to see him so happy with his fiance last night after all of that and I couldn't be prouder of him as a friend.

OP needs to prepare herself for the possibility that her son's invite to the home he shares with his partner for the first time WAS the last chance - and they fucked it completely. I say "they" because while the worst behaviour came from her husband, there's a pattern throughout her son's life of her standing by and letting him do it. And ultimately that's the same thing, it has the same effect.

It's mind-boggling that OP's husband dared to voice racist disapproval about the man who saved his son's life. Just incomprehensible.

Really happy that her son has a loving boyfriend in his life at least. I hope they end up with a solid, supportive chosen family as well, as so many LGBT people have to.

@PixieDust91 Why wouldn't any father want their son to be happy? Why wouldn't they want their son to have a partner who care for them, and who defends them? Why wouldn't any father want to see their son do well?

More to the point, why would any father - any decent father worth the name - systematically bully, belittle and grind down their son? Is that how you parent your children? Or would you only save that kind of treatment for the ones who are gay?

My mother is like your DH times 100 and we no longer have a relationship and I have cut contact fully.
It's horrible and unnecessary to have to endure unfair criticism like that.

You should have left this awful man years ago, how has it come to
this?

I would never forgive my husband and I would start immediate divorce proceedings. Your husband has bullied your son his whole life. He is a cheap, nasty little bully and this would be the final straw.

Leave the hotel, go and see your son. Tell them both you love and accept them, and you do not and never have agreed with his father’s position.

I am struggling to comprehend how - in the eight years your son has been in this relationship- you have never given him an opportunity to talk about it with you. You clearly had a very strong inkling and could have given reassurance YEARS ago - if you are truly comfortable he is gay and not of your DH’s mindset.
You need to go and see your son face to face ( without your husband) and see if you can salvage anything. You will look like you’ve chosen DH over DS unless you act quickly.

Let’s be realistic though, it’s far more likely that he is from a different race.

Your sons partner sounds like he is loving and supportive.
Them allowing you in their space was quite a big step for them, and your husband made it clear why your son couldn't come out.

If you think they'll he home, maybe go back.
Tell them, yes Dad is a massive, regressive prick but he doesn't speak for you. You've assumed he was gay for some time, and it hasn't changed your view of him, and you've assumed that his partner was more than a friend for some time, and you love him for being someone who brings your son love and comfort- and you look forward to loving so much more about him as you get to know him.
And hopefully they'll welcome you staying with them a little while, if not then go find something else to do. Don't spend the day with the dick you're married to.

Please go now and see your son and partner op before it's too late

It sounds like your DS has a good man in his life who will stand up to your bully husband to defend your DS.
It says a lot that your DS had mental health issues and had a secret life away from his parents that he couldn't share until backed in to a corner. Had your DH always been a nasty bully towards your son?
If I was you, I'd be apologising to my son and trying to build a relationship with him away from DH. If you insist on DH being involved then I can see you being completely cut out of your sons life.

Oh how awful.
If anyone spoke to my gay DS like that I'd probably react with violence.
Find your courage and leave the bastard.

You appear to be assuming the BF is a different race? OP has only said he's Muslim and that's not a race it's a religion.

For the sake of some balance it’s unlikely a man who bullies his own child is not using this behaviour inside his marriage as well to exert control and OP has given quite a clear example of coercive control being used against her when she threatened to leave her husband. He accused her of trying to split the family up and used guilt as a weapon - coercive control. She’s every bit as likely to be a victim of this man as her son is in a different way but this should be a loud enough wake up call for her that this dynamic of bullying and control is not normal. Thankfully the son seems to have his head screwed on well enough to get as far away as possible from such a damaging family dynamic. Sounds like you have a choice to make OP. A coercive, controlling and abusive bully, or your son who may just be able to forgive you if you get away from your husband after this absolute shitshow. Make your actions speak louder than words and show him you are not putting up with your husband’s behaviour anymore, Hopefully you will read these replies and realise just how dysfunctional your marriage really is and find the courage to stop being a doormat. Your son 100% deserves better and in a way you do too but I have a feeling I already know who you are going to choose.

Yes, a lot of men, especially older men, don’t like the idea of their sons being gay And it happens everywhere - most men just keep quiet though.

But regardless of whether OP wants to break up her marriage, there is absolutely nothing stopping her supporting her DS and his BF.

Thats what I would do - her marriage is a separate issue.

I’m stunned at a mother being so passive and not fighting for her child. She must either be afraid of her husband or so controlled by him that she won’t even fight for her child. No wonder he moved so far away. Have you ever actually questioned why he suffered so much with his mental health and didn’t want to be alive?

If I was in your son's position, OP, I would probably do the same in terms of not responding to any attempts to reach out - he is undoubtedly hurting. Maybe that will ease off in time (hopefully, for your sake) but I keep coming back to how upsetting this must have been for him and his boyfriend and the fact it happened on his birthday / at Christmas time. If it were me, it would take a very long time to heal from this, if at all.

Your husband has behaved badly here. I wouldn’t be surprised if your son decided to go no contact. You could send regular cards to your son reminding him that you love him and that you’re sorry about his dads bad attitude. Send a gift to them both to acknowledge their relationship. Eventually he’ll start calling you.