Asked to leave over DH comments

You do have family - the son you gave birth to !

and now you have a choice...

The op did go round last night and ending up staying with ds and his dp

And then didn’t go through with it, yes. We read that. I still don’t think you understand the gravity of what has happened and how it could end your own relationship with your son. If you are going to stand any chance of salvaging the relationship with your son, you need to act fast. Time isn’t on your side with this, the poor boy has been alienated enough. Write a letter and go round alone. If there’s no answer put the letter through. At least then you can say you didn’t walk away without a fight. If you sit back and wait for a reply you could lose him forever. Are you really willing to risk that? Is your husband worth it?

I’m sorry but your husband sounds like a controlling bully. Why on earth is he hectoring your child, and his BF? Why isn’t this chap, someone your DH barely knows, ‘wrong’ … I suspect anything g and everything your DS does will
never be good enough unless your DH has full control over it. It’s good he has you, but don’t be an enabler for your DH to ruin your sons life

So let’s get it straight.

Your son struggled with his sexuality as a teenager and attempted suicide. I would guess the reason or partly the reason for his trauma is because he knew his father would react in the way he has. Your son has formed a relationship with a man who sounds like has been supportive and kind. Your son has never previously come out as being gay to you or your husband until now and it’s pretty obvious why. Now he has had the courage to speak about it your husband reacts exactly as every single person reading this thread would have predicted.

your husband is a bullying prick. Is he controlling you ? Has your son been emotionally neglected in his childhood because it sounds that way to me.

Let me give you one piece of advice. Never abandon your son’s emotional needs over a homophobic bullying bigot. I can only assume you’re half way brainwashed by him tbh.

Well done.

i think you need to separate from your vile husband though as staying with him will cost you your son

This is a crucial juncture for your son’s MH. Your H is homophobic but knows that’s not so acceptable these days so disguises it as concern about the boyfriend. It’s good that you are accepting of your son and his partner at least. I guess all you can do is show unconditional support for DS and model this attitude to your husband and be very clear to him that rejection of his son’s sexuality/ partner will damage any future relationship ( and damage DS).

Well you should have stuck to the ultimatum. His nephews are his problem. This is so distressing to read. You can't just stand there feebly protesting while he launches a verbal homophobic attack on them both.

We don't know what her situation is like either. I suspect she's very unhappy and it's not always easy to get out of an abusive marriage

This!
I can't believe OP stayed with this 'D'H throughout all these years of making the son miserable.

Oh the old 'I'm fine about everything now..and so should you be'!

It's not an ultimatum if you don't follow through with it. It's just an empty threat.

Your son is the bridge you need to mend first. How your ds and also your H (assuming neither of them want to repair their relationship) deal with you having separate relationships with them both I think will clarify things for you regarding your marriage. Once you can see how your new future (now it is all out in the open) will look like then you can make your decision re your H.

I would absolutely go out of my way to stay in touch with your ds now though, and visit more (both without H - he doesn’t deserve to know anything about your ds) so that he is under no illusion that you are his priority and he has your 100% support as does his dp

Oh wow

He's doubling down on his homophobic, racist behaviour

I'm so sorry

My first ever LTB. Your 'D'H is a disgrace and you risk alienating your son for life if you allow this. No wonder your poor son has had issues with a father like that. You should have done more to stand up for him earlier, if I'm being brutally honest.

He’s an islamophobe and disgusting! We need to call it for what it is… he’s happy if his son was with anyone but ‘him’, and then also that he might catch something from ‘him’. Where was your husband anyway when your son was this lowest? He is embarrassing

How old are? Are you financially OK?
My mum did not leave my dad because of fear of being on her own. And fear of being poor, as she had never worked since marriage, didn't have a clue where to begin. She was of an era and background where divorce still carried a lot greater stigma than now, so she also had the fear of shame and judgement from her friends and family. I was too young and green myself to know where to begin to support her as well as dealing with my father's treatment of me.

My father also thought that was nothing wrong with his racism, misogyny and homophobia. He was nearly 90 when he died last year. I am going to guess by your son's age you are both 50ish, similar age to me. I didn't excuse it in my father, but I at least understood where it had originated. In 2025, it is nothing except bigotry.

Given your husband's objection to 'this man', I suspect his race and religion are the main 'problems'. Which is no less unacceptable.

Anyway, none of this is going to get resolved overnight, however many here shout LTB. The most important thing is that you stand by your son. Your marriage is a question for another day, and what you need to do about it will become clear with a bit of tîme.

It's time to act on that ultimatum. Nothing has changed. He won't change now. When you say you don't know what to do long term, what do you mean? Is it that you don't know how to leave?

You need to follow through on said ultimatums - sorry to say but he's shown himself to be homophobic and racist and if you do stay with your DH you might lose your son for good

I would have dumped h tbh on the grounds of his revolting and disgusting attitude to your son.
I would never tolerate my h saying anything like that about my kids especially as 2 are gay.

I think you need to stand up for your son more or you risk being cut from his life with your husband. Trying to change the subject while he is being a b*end does not show support to your son. You need to call him out clearly and loudly on his behaviour each and every time (if you dont plan on leaving him.) Hopefully your son does go no contact with him though as he sounds like a horrible bully.

My dad has also reflected, acknowledged his flaws and what he did wrong and so expects me to follow suit! Though my request for family counselling has been turned down for 30 years 🙈

Weirdly, given the op’s situation - my dad is a right wing, homophobic, racist bigot. But the only people he would accept being a gay leftwing single parent who have dc by more than 1 man who ends up marrying someone of another race/religion are me and my siblings. As he always says ‘it’s not you I mean, you’re different, it’s the others’ Make that make sense to me!

It's a really interesting question. Slight derail to this thread but related to your pondering, my mum and I had a strained relationship due to lots of horrible things she did. We discussed it once before she died (by email, she had moved abroad) and her summary was that she'd had some counselling, had come to terms with things and forgiven herself. That led her to think that i should now be all OK and forgiving too and stop thinking about the bad things. So I get that counselling / self reflection doesn't always work if it's just used by the perpetrator to forgive themselves but not actually do the work needed to make amends with victim/s.

I feel for OP and family, there's a lot to untangle here I think but priority should be on op and ds/bf making good.

Your husband sounds like a complete dick!