Asked to leave over DH comments

Just be there for your DS and until your DH can have respect for his choices in who and how your DS conducts his relationships with refuse any conversations regarding the subject.

Its lovely know that your DS partner has his best interests at heart.

Well he is now openly showing his homophobia in an aggressive and disgusting way, directly towards your own DS. What are you doing about that?

You say you gave him an ultimatum, time to stand by your own word.

You side with your son and tell your homophobic racist husband he is out of line and if he can’t say anything nice to your DS he should keep his mouth shut.

I'm afraid it's an LTB from me.

I couldn't tolerate living with such an utter bigot.

Your husband is an arse. Tell him you are ashamed of his reaction and his behaviour and if there is ever a choice to be made between your son and him, it's going to be your son every time.

Tell your husband that if he doesn’t stop being a c*nt to your son and son’s partner you will divorce him.

Then call your son and tell him you love him and are thrilled he’s found someone who he loves and you can’t wait to spent more time getting to know his lovely partner when they’re ready. Tell him you’ve given his father a bollocking.

Then follow through.

I'm glad your focus is on your son. I can't imagine how he is feeling. Your DH is doing so much damage to him.

Did he tell you about his dad's hateful message today? How is he? Have you spoken to DH since?

Please tell DS to block his dad. He doesn't need to read any more of this cruel shit. Tell DH to leave him alone.

Thank God he has his supportive partner.

That sounds like an awful experience for your son and his partner, and for yourself too.

Your husband acted like an absolute as.s and is not one bit remorseful or worried about his relationship with his son. To follow up by messaging your son about what he might catch from his partner is unforgivable and sounds only rooted in bigotry and not any way from concern. He's already shown he doesnt care about your son's mental health when he was struggling, put pressure on about grades, and when he attempts to include you in the life he has built with his partner he gets rejected and insulted.

Stick with your son. Support him. Do not excuse your husbands words or actions in any way, or this will create a distance as you would be passively supporting your husband's viewpoint

Because people have different beliefs and he’s very much of the mind that all people are heterosexual.

Glad to hear you went to see your son. Now please put him first, he has been subjected to this bullying father for all his life, no wonder his mental health is fragile. Finally he has found some support from outside the family and his BF sounds lovely.

What will YOU now do? You know you are married to a horrible man, it can't be great for you either but you have always had a choice, your son did not for most of his life.

Why would he be devastated?

"Standing by him" wouldn't really go as far as he thinks it would to counteract the negative emotional reaction.

I can't believe he doubled down with the contraception comment. Surely that is the final nail in DH's coffin?

Taking the homophobia and likely islamophobia out of it I could not stand by a man who wilfully hurt my son the way he has. That is one cruel bastard.

I know it's hard and you're scared but show your son he matters. His dad has crossed a line (not for the first time by sounds of it!) and I can't see there's any way back from it. Put your son first. This isn't a small incident. Its your sons wellbeing. Your DH is toxic.

My dh would be devastated if ds said he was gay. But he’d stand by him and if he didn’t, I would stand my my son.

I hope for the sake of his mental health your ds does block your dh and refuse to see him, I’d encourage him to seek therapy too, perhaps even some family therapy with you present too op. I’m not going to say LTB because I appreciate it’s complex and not that straightforward for you, but I couldn’t stay with someone like that. Not unless he acknowledges his harm and genuinely wants to seek help to change and repair the relationship with ds, then I’d give him one more chance to do that.

My child is my number one, but I grew up with an emotionally abusive narc dm so determined to break the cycle

Also - so what if you don't have any family? Plenty of adults with adult children don't have their parents any more and have siblings long distance or abroad. It doesn't mean you have to stay in a marriage with a bigot.

Follow through on the ultimatum. Your relationship with your son, your sons MH and his wellbeing is more important. If your H wants to maintain his family he will STFU and keep his opinions to himself.

I wouldn’t stay married to a homophobic man.

Support your son and do the right thing.

Op you need to protect your ds from your dh, if he keeps messaging him and won’t stop, tell ds to block his number. Keep dh away from dh, hopefully his bf will do this too. Even with ultimatums I don’t think your dh will stop his appallingly behaviour and emotional abuse of your ds, because he has serious problems and can’t / won’t see he’s in the wrong. So you have to protect ds from him, as a pp said this is a crucial juncture in your relationship with ds and you could lose him if you don’t give him your full support.

I’d say the red flags were there with dh’s expectations over exams and then leaving university, some people seem to see their children as an extension of themselves as my own dm did, but that’s a whole different issue.

Don’t let things get any worse and get to the stage where your ds decides to cut contact, he’s getting older and now has the support of his bf so could be the first time in his life he feels able to do this (I speak from experience). You might have to have a completely separate relationship with him to your dh now, do whatever it takes not to lose him.

The being unwell, vomiting etc was probably a stress response to your dh, your poor boy

'h has been messaging me and ds'

I'm assuming you've told your son to block his 'father'? And that you're okay with it. In fact you're encouraging it.

This vile man should have no more access to your son. Now or in the future. No messages. No phone calls. No visits.

If your son wants to see you, you go alone. And you don't discuss your husband.

Give your son some peace. It's the least he deserves.

I don’t understand your comment I don’t know what to do long term. Your DH has made a dick of himself tried to humiliate your son and his partner. You see your son and his partner on your own. It’s unlikely your son wants a repeat performance.

Your husband has behaved appallingly. If you want to leave him (and I would), please don't let being an only child or having no living parents be things that make you stay. Those are my circumstances too and sometimes I can be lonely but the sense of peace I feel not being in a shitty marriage is priceless. I have friends and enjoy my own company and have a great relationship with my son who is now at uni. You will have a better relationship with your son if you are not married to a racist homophobe who is constantly quizzing him and giving him a hard time and who is openly critical of his choice of partner (and other life choices no doubt). There is a risk of loosing him altogether otherwise so that for me makes it a no brainer.

Support your son.

Your husband behaved appalingly and it sounds like he has been doing it for years.

I would bet that his father plays a big part in your son's mental health struggle.

I would not stay in a relationship with a man like this and frankly would have left him years ago...

At least your son has a great boyfriend who supports him and will challenge your husband's behaviour. Now you need to step up and do the same...

His boyfriend sounds great for him. He supported him through mental health challenges, protects his wellbeing by telling you both to leave when your dh is upsetting your son and he's helped build your sons self esteem so that he has the confidence to stand up to his dick of a dad. Your husband is toxic as fuck.

DH is mannerless and rude.

it’s his first time meeting him ffs, if he has questions he can ask DS but clearly he isn’t close enough to his own son to be privy to his private life.

he is clearly racist and Islamophobic. Disgusting man.

I’m sorry, I didn’t see this post. You’ve done absolutely the right thing as you already know. I’m sorry your husband is still making vile inferences about gays being disease ridden. I hope your husband gets everything from karma that he deserves and more.