Asked to leave over DH comments

It wasn’t intended to be name-calling. Racists, homophobes, and misogynists are all factual terms for people who espouse the views of racism, homophobia, and misogyny. I meant it to be a factual statement that those people use this argument. I’m not saying that you belong to any of those groups, and I apologize if I was not clear enough. But I still believe this is a bad, and indeed a weak, argument for that reason. “It was part of another generation” has been used to excuse a lot of types of hate. @Roobarbtwo may have been a little more straightforward when they called the argument a load of tosh. My disagreement is with your argument and the people who use it, not you as a person.

That said, I don’t think, in this day and age, it’s OP’s job to either wait for or try to force her husband to “come around,” nor should their DS have to deal with his judgment and frankly shite behavior until he does. OP needs to support her son, before he ends up cutting them both off, leaving him in an incredibly vulnerable position if he and the boyfriend break up (he said he hated himself for being gay and was suicidal before the boyfriend).

And @Reallyti - you don’t have to answer this to the forum, but I want you to REALLY think about why your son might hate himself for being gay. Maybe he was bullied, but what views has your husband shared for DS’ whole life? What terms does he use for gay men or gay people? Does he have any gay friends? Has he used religion to justify any discrimination in the past? Your son got this self-hatred from somewhere.

Without hesitation you get in a taxi and go and hug your son

This 100%

You need to sit down with your husband and have a good talk- he is being like a toddler and making everything worse- you need to get to the bottom of his problem with this situation, because if you don't you will lose your son.
You are obviously not keen to challenge your husband about his beliefs and behaviour- but I'm afraid that has to change.

There are lots of hard and heavy posts on here, and I think you need to see this as a wake up call.

I think you have spent so long with DH that youve become immune to his comments and see them as normal, and thats why you are so confused as to what to do now. But the level of vitriol he has spouted at your DS in not normal. Criticising absolutely everything, from his attending xmas, his partner, the treasured gift his partner gave him, your DS illness, the way your DS BF cared for him with his illness. That level of criticism is abhorrent. If that level of criticism and demeaning behaviour is what your DS has been exposed to all his life then you should count your lucky stars that he is still here. He almost wasnt.

But his self-esteem will be in the toilet because of your DH treatment of him. This is your wake up call now. Choose your son. He is vulnerable, and part of why he is vulnerable is the treatment he has experienced from your DH, not his sexuality. Love your son. Love his dedicated, wonderful, life saving BF. Be there for them. Wrap them up in your arms. Your sons BF may well have his own troubles and battles in store if his family are strict. Be his mum too. You have a chance to do something wonderful for two lovely young men. It's time to rise to the challenge.

Your son will cut you off too for not protecting him from this cunt you’re married to. You both destroyed his birthday and were horrifically rude to him and his partner. Why the hell did you not do or say anything? I’d have told husband to shut up and leave way before they had to. I’d never allow my sons to be verbally abused like this. You’re enabling it. Shitty. You seriously need to call and apologise to your son and work on that relationship and be prepared to visit him on your own. I’d want a divorce from anyone who treated my child like scum.

Sadly another thread on mumsnet where I’m shocked someone is actually still married to one of these utter cunts.

And to be frank, mother to mother, I am shocked you are allowing someone, husband or not, to treat your son in this way.

My dad was a knob, and that’s one thing, but I’ll also never forgive my mother for standing by and allowing him to do it. Almost as bad IMO.

Please think carefully about what you do next before you potentially destroy the relationship with your son.

Your husband is an abusive bully and probably the reason your son attempted to take his life, after years of being bullied.
Sounds like your son will be stepping away from you both.
Poor lad, he deserves so much better.
Be careful OP, its reading as if you have put your bully husband ahead of your son.
That never ends well.

Your husband is an abusive bully and probably the reason your son attempted to take his life, after years of being bullied.
Sounds like your son will be stepping away from you both.
Poor lad, he deserves so much better.
Be careful OP, its reading as if you have put your bully husband ahead of your son.
That never ends well.

Your husband is an awful bully and your son sounds like he's found a kind partner. Good on him.

It sounds like things got pretty bad for him as a teen to attempt suicide. I imagine being gay, unable to come out to his homophobic father, was pretty tough. Thank god his friend was there for him, and still is.

Have you stood up for him against his father reliably and consistently? If not, you probably want to start now in order to preserve your own relationship with him.

Thank you, he is lucky to have myself and my sister who knows his true self, but he really feels so sad that he can’t connect with our dad. I’m sure there are many people sadly in the same position, hopefully our children will be be more open hearted.

My heart breaks for your son, OP. I'm pleased that he has a wonderful and loving partner in his life, however.

Your husband is a nasty, bullying, arrogant homophobe. Appalling behaviour. If you want a relationship with your son then you know what to do, draw your lines clearly on his side and reflect on your marriage to this shart.

Thank god your DS has a supportive boyfriend, his family are seriously letting him down.

As a mum of three, I simply cannot fathom how a parent's love is anything but unconditional. To not accept anyone simply due to their sexuality I personally find abhorrent, but your own child...unimaginable.

Your DH is a jerk (putting it very very very mildly). I would be telling him to go home (in much less polite words). I would knock on your ds and his partner door and tell them they have your 100% love and support. I also would be reflecting on my marriage and would wonder what my Dh role was in my Dr's son's reasons for attempting suicide. Sadly I fear it was significant.

How sad for you that you're married to such an ignoramus.
And how sad for your DS that this ignoramus is his own father.

You and ds have choices.
I would choose LTB for you and NC between DS and his father.

Don't waste any more time, both of you....

This breaks my heart 💔

How far is your hotel from your son’s home? Can you go over and just give both boys a hug and say you’ll speak to them tomorrow but you wanted to do that?

Sounds like the bf is the first person to have your DSs back which, while lovely for your ds, is just awful that it wasn't you or your husband. I cannot image how it must have been to be exposed to his fathers constant criticism.
Whilst you may not feel the same way as your dh, you are not a person of trust in your DS life because you allowed him to be treated the way he was. Even now, why was it up to the bf to tell your dh to leave? Why couldn't YOU?

What it must have taken to reach out to you both and invite you into his home 😢

All the ultimatums in the world mean nothing without follow through.

Name-calling is such a terrible argument - a favorite of people who lack critical thinking skills.

OP's husband reacted badly but it's not the end of the world and he could still come round with time.

Btw, today's youth are every bit as intolerant as older generations, just over different things - you'll realize that as you get older.

Please look after your son. I’m in my late 50s with a trans brother that has never came out to our dad (mum died years ago),. It makes life really hard for them, I wish we had all been braver years ago and been honest instead of this stupid pretence. Don’t be us a family waiting for my dad to die so my brother can be free in his 60s

Go and knock on DS'S door. Tell him DH's behaviour was not acceptable, that you side with DS and that you love and accept him and BF. Ask him what he'd like feom you re DH - does he want you to try to speak to him and help him see sense, does he want some space feom him for a bit? Don't be half hearted and say things that are apologising for DH or just smoothing it over - he needs to know you are on his side and you won't just let it go. Next time intervene sooner with DH - 'DH i don't think Bob wants to tell you the ins and outs of his family situation, let's leave it there shall we?' 'DH the soft toy is a lovely gift, stop being negative.' Etc. Otherwise you look like a collaborator from your DS's perspective. And also because you don't want your son to be made uncomfortable by a dickhead even if he is your husband. And on that note I'd be getting DH to therapy - was his father hyper masculine? Is there some deep rooted insecurity there that is making him pick on his son? Why does he think it is ok to give someone who is practically a stranger (BF) the third degree on personal issues?

Support your son, your DH is a prick.

Well I suppose he’s shown you now that he’s homophobic. It sounds like your marriage is already difficult with you threatening to leave and him accusing you of breaking the family up. Sadly the only person who seems to be pulling the family apart is your husband. Obviously you’re not responsible for your husband’s nephews so it would not be on you if you did decide to walk away but can you honestly see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man? I would consider writing a letter to your son and posting it to let him know how sorry you are, how much you love him and that you will always be there for him, but don’t leave things this way. Perhaps tell him you are more than happy to visit alone. You’ll probably find the reason he has kept this from you both for so long was because he already knew how your husband would behave and he was right, wasn’t he?