Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm scared of my Angry 4year old DD

61 replies

Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 19:54

Hi all
Not sure If I'm overthinking but my DD4 just turned has severe mood swings over nothing and everything.
For context she is much harder work then older two DD but I just assumed different father different genes.
DD4 father is not living with us currently. Not sure contextual or not.
DD4 hits DD10 over everything. Sh lashes out when she's in a mood and she will throw ruin whatever is in her vicinity. She screams and throws her toys on floor if something doesn't fit like she wants, rip books etc. Just now she screamed at me (like kat did in EE) for ruining her toys (I didn't and the toys were hiding under the blanket which I used on her duvet for extra warmth and tipped her toys on the floor in response.
I do worry when DD4 does this as it's scary and even my older two find it scary not funny as you would when younger sibling has a tantrum.
i worry if this is a sign of the type of adult she may become. I try everything to disciple her and remind her of how she should behave - we talk about the colour monster a lot, I offer hugs I sit with her and remind her how we need to behave and how we don't get angry like she does and we need to talk etc etc. the next day exactly the same over nothing she will just switch. She does say sorry mummy as soon as she's calm and asks if I'm still her best friend to which I reassure her I'm always her best friend even when she's angry.
AIBU to be worried or is this normal?
My older two did not behave or react like this so not sure if I'm dealing with it right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:20

Endofyear · 28/12/2025 20:12

I think with a 4 year old, having endless discussions and explanations about behaviour are pointless. She knows full well that it's not good behaviour and is angry at not getting what she wants when she wants it. You need to have a very clear consequence for bad behaviour, it needs to be immediate and you have to be VERY consistent. Hitting her siblings should result in her being immediately removed from the room. Whingeing, shouting and tantrums should all be ignored, remove anything she can throw and then go in another room and ignore. When she calms down just say 'oh have you finished? Shall we read a book/play this game/go in the garden now? Give attention for good behaviour and ignore the bad as much as possible - she will eventually learn that having tantrums doesn't get her what she wants. Be firm, stay calm, pick your battles and make sure you win them. She's 4 years old, she's not scary - you are the adult and you need to be in charge.

What if the tantrum is over her toy lid not fitting properly and she then reacts to that in frustration?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/12/2025 20:19

remind her continuously about good choices.

She is four
Too ypung to discuss " good choices"
Keep it simple.
Do this not that.
Remove her if she kicking off to a safe place to calm down no words needed

Darkdiamond · 28/12/2025 20:12

awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 20:03

She’s a 4 year old, she’s not scary!
This does sound fairly normal, although something you need to work on (sounds like you are doing to be fair), and hitting is never ok.
I would expect her to grow out of it, but maybe she will always have a bit of a temper!
Talk to your older DC about how they should react when she does this.

I don't think this sounds normal for a four year old.

Endofyear · 28/12/2025 20:12

I think with a 4 year old, having endless discussions and explanations about behaviour are pointless. She knows full well that it's not good behaviour and is angry at not getting what she wants when she wants it. You need to have a very clear consequence for bad behaviour, it needs to be immediate and you have to be VERY consistent. Hitting her siblings should result in her being immediately removed from the room. Whingeing, shouting and tantrums should all be ignored, remove anything she can throw and then go in another room and ignore. When she calms down just say 'oh have you finished? Shall we read a book/play this game/go in the garden now? Give attention for good behaviour and ignore the bad as much as possible - she will eventually learn that having tantrums doesn't get her what she wants. Be firm, stay calm, pick your battles and make sure you win them. She's 4 years old, she's not scary - you are the adult and you need to be in charge.

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:06

awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 20:03

She’s a 4 year old, she’s not scary!
This does sound fairly normal, although something you need to work on (sounds like you are doing to be fair), and hitting is never ok.
I would expect her to grow out of it, but maybe she will always have a bit of a temper!
Talk to your older DC about how they should react when she does this.

Scary as in i feel out of my depth.

OP posts:
awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 20:03

She’s a 4 year old, she’s not scary!
This does sound fairly normal, although something you need to work on (sounds like you are doing to be fair), and hitting is never ok.
I would expect her to grow out of it, but maybe she will always have a bit of a temper!
Talk to your older DC about how they should react when she does this.

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 20:01

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2025 19:58

But you’re not her best friend - you’re her mum . Who takes the mum role if you’re just trying to be her mate ?
she needs boundaries and consistent ones . She’s pushing you to find them .

regardless - if you’re scared of her a 4 … then you need to toughen up your resilience else how you gonna cope when she’s 14!

I am very boundaried. I will make sure she tidies up anything she ruins, will make her apologise and do remind her continuously about good choices.

I have a DD14 so not worried about coping with a DD of that age more scared this is not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
ScrambledEggs12 · 28/12/2025 19:59

She is maybe worried you will abandon her like her dad has?

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2025 19:58

But you’re not her best friend - you’re her mum . Who takes the mum role if you’re just trying to be her mate ?
she needs boundaries and consistent ones . She’s pushing you to find them .

regardless - if you’re scared of her a 4 … then you need to toughen up your resilience else how you gonna cope when she’s 14!

Original poster
Hiitsmeagain1 · 28/12/2025 19:57

cestlavielife · 28/12/2025 19:56

Speak to her school.or nursery teacher ask for referral for support

What support can I ask for as she's perfect in nursery and she's the mature child that they choose for nativity and carol singing in external places. The nursery have no concerns.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/12/2025 19:56

Speak to her school.or nursery teacher ask for referral for support

Swipe left for the next trending thread