I'm scared of my Angry 4year old DD

But WHY isn't he living with you?

How did that happen? When did it happen?

It's all important...

remind her how we need to behave and how we don't get angry

It’s ok to feel anger, it’s what you do with it that matters.

Is she able to communicate well? Can she recognise her emotions?

Yes, that's what I meant!

I would speak to nursery/school and ask senco to observe and explain your concerns. You could film her behaviour and book an appointment with GP.
In terms of managing it, the best way to see results is to manage her environment. So try to have a fairly consistent routine, lots of notice about changes. Look for signs she is getting overwhelmed and try to intervene/distract. Encourage your older children to recognise if she’s struggling and take a step back. Try to find things that soothe/regulate her and make sure she has access everyday, try to make sure she has down time without her siblings as she may be getting overwhelmed stimulated.
Do some techniques for managing emotions, deep breaths, counting to five, punching /squeezing a cushion. Try to direct her to these techniques if she’s getting angry or after to calm down. Try to remain calm when she’s in overwhelm.

sounds like she may be neurodivergent. I have adhd and this exploding over smallest things sounds like that - usually stems from being overwhelmed.

It could be neurotypical and responding to trauma. It’s why it’s important that OP gives some more context about her father and why he’s not there at the moment.

Her behaviour doesn't sound neurotypical.

They sound like autistic meltdowns, and if they are, the naughty step will do more harm than good.

My almost 7 year old DD is like this.
She never grew out of tantrums and will fly off the handle endless times every single day. If she is angry she will throw whatever is closest or hit whoever is near her. She doesn’t care about consequences. She tells me when she has calmed down that she doesn’t know why she acts like that but she can’t control.

She’s perfect at school but I’m certain she’s masking. Community paediatrician doesn’t suspect autism due to her communication and play skills (with her twin sister) but she has been referred for assessment anyway just in case she’s masking really well at school.

You have my sympathy. It’s hard when your small child will physically attack you. It’s like being terrorised in your own home.

I think at 4 years old this is a bit late but not unusual and different kids have temper tantrums at different ages - someone once said to me you start to worry if they aren't getting better (ie many less temper tantrums) by 5. But then both my younger siblings had temper tantrums beyond 5 (I never really had them) and as older children/teens/adults they were/are perfectly normal at least in that regard.

She may be masking at nursery, which is why she is having more meltdowns at home.

Also, how a 4-year-old acts doesn't indicate what they will be like as an adult :)

Oh and just to add my DD never displayed any of this at nursery or school, they both see a totally different child to what we see at home.

Time out will make her feel more pushed out.

Wanting to go to nursery doesn’t exclude being autistic but other than behavioural outbursts that some autistic children have (and some autistic children don’t have) there is nothing to suggest it’s different to a outburst a neurotypical would have.

Regardless of whether she is ND or NT, it’s still the same answer. You need some parenting support and she needs to have the right home environment for her which might mean your gentle parenting needs do change to ensure certain boundaries or it might mean it needs to change from a sensory perspective- none of us can tell you what that will be.

No she didn’t, she said he isn’t currently living with them

Op that's ok if she apologies but she still needs you to follow through with the consequence afterwards. No tv or device or whatever she enjoys. What she is learning is that an apology is a get out of jail card. Tell her that her behaviour is showing you that she isn't respecting her toys so you will take until tomorrow so you can try again then. She will likely cry, get angry, do what it takes to get her way but you stand firm and remember that however you respond will be teaching her something. She needs to learn 'when I do x, y happens' and this only happens with consistency. She needs to learn that you follow through on the consequence every time.

Sounds very much like how my DD (now 10) was at that age.

I know I will get jumped on for bringing neurodivegence into it but I am just giving my experience, not diagnosing anyone.

We spent a lot of time learning various things to try to better communicate with her and support her, lots of online parenting courses, advice from a psychologist etc. Eventually through trial and error got a diagnosis of combined ADHD, though there is a big streak of demand avoidance in there too.

Things are better now but still difficult at times. She still absolutely explodes out of nowhere about tiny things (like the toy lid not fitting example you gave) but she can also calm back down very quickly if we don't respond in a way that escalates things. I think she is finally starting to mature a bit, but we still have to stay very low demand and do a lot of things for and with her that we did not have to do for and with our older DD.

Don't worry that her behaviour now is an indicator of how she will be as an adult, just find a way to calmly respond to the behaviour that's in front of you now. Calm, gentle voice, stay low, don't talk much, just calming reassuring body language. Ask the other kids to leave the room. Afterwards don't punish, comfort her and reassure her we all lose our temper at times. Perhaps a very brief chat the next day about what behaviours are ok, but don't labour it. Our DD knew what was and wasn't ok but couldn't stop herself in the moment as she was in fight/flight. So going over it again and again just made her feel bad which wasn't helpful.

I hope some of this is helpful. Good luck x

I agree with this. Little kids need short, simple instructions.

I was very worried about my eldest for a long time. He had terrible outbursts. Even did a MN post on it. He’s 12 now and absolutely lovely. Punishment didn’t work as he was not able to control himself, and like your daughter, felt ashamed afterwards.

You say that her dad is not around. What does that mean? Is he in prison? Working abroad? Do they or did they have a relationship? I wouldn't dismiss this as a cause for her behaviour before knowing more. Maybe she knows she's not supposed to talk about him and being anxious/worried?

No one said her dad abandoned her? He isn’t currently living in the family home, doesn’t mean he abandoned her. Unless you mean that in her 4 year old mind he might have?

Beyond talking about being nice and anger monster or whatnot, are there any consequences for violence?
If she is a perfect angel at nursery, you have a home issue. Do not accept violent behaviours or tantrums.
Have a chat on a good morning and say that from now on, her actions won’t be tolerated. Start by removing all screens and tv time is earned with good behaviour on a daily basis. Then warn her that every time she hits someone, she will lose something, her favourite toy, her favourite toy and DO IT.

What do you do as a consequence for the naughty behaviour?