AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

If I'm reading this right you haven't had any contact with his DD since July? This coincides with her starting school, and you have a DS the same age who was sharing a bedroom and bunk beds with his DD. That on its own sounds like DD mum had kicked off about something in the existing arrangements to make him change the location to his parents house. It doesn't have to be true or logical, but the DD mum has a problem with something to do with DD spending.overnights at your home.
Then, add a pregnancy, and however many weeks you were in NICU (that's hard, I've been in that situation) who was looking after ds during that time ? The reality now is that your partner would have two 4 year olds and a new born in the house. Does he come under grief from his dd's mum about how she wants things to be for her DD (given that your same age ds lives with your partner presumably most of the time) It sounds to me like he doesn't want to blend the children's lives or he's coming under considerable stress from his ex to keep the children seperate. Some exes become extremely volatile when their child's parent appears to have a 'new' family.
Believe me, I'm not excusing what he's done, but he's ended up in an impossible juggling act where you feel rejected for your children yet he's trying to keep his commitment to his DD whilst (possibly) coming under fire from her mother as well.
Christmas/new born/ two 4 year olds/different opinions on where one parent should be was always going to be a recipe for disaster. Add your financial difficulties and he's in full flight mode.
I'd suggest a calm discussion after new year about the way forward before thinking it's all got to end in a mess. Plus, your emotions are going to be all over the place due to the birth etc.

But she didn’t have to be home alone and wasn’t home alone. She was invited to go too and OP’s mum and other family even came by.

This is the reality of a blended family. Parents have obligations to their children from prior relationships.

Do you have your own family that you could have spent Christmas with? I’d be prioritising those relationships from now on and bin off your cock lodger.

Agreed. I assumed this thread would be about a man who was driving across the country to see his DC at Christmas and I would have said it was reasonable to prioritise a 4yo. This is clearly not the case and YANBU to feel so hurt, especially when being left home alone with a little baby.

“Newborn chaos” they mostly eat, shit and sleep. They’re not that difficult.

I can understand him wanting 1:1 time with his daughter, but to leave you alone (with a newborn) and a difficult birth from the 19th is unacceptable.

It doesn't sound like he understands the gravity of his decision, so it's hard to see a future when you're not getting an apology or any kind of remorse.

Why isn’t your mum helping you? Where is your family and your DS dad in all this? You knew your current partner had a DD4 that he is responsible for and that Christmas would likely involve her grandparents on his side. You were invited to join them but refused because you don’t like his mum.

If you HAD to chose, being with your kid who understands it's Christmas makes 1000 times more sense than being with your tiny baby who barely knows whether its day or night, much less Christmas. Feeling he has to have one or the other makes no sense though.

It's not really about quality time, he's trying to get away from the newborn chaos. A 4 year old with help from his parents is easier. Just another disappointing man.

Maybe he hasn’t told social services about them.

This was my first thought.. hope to god its not the case, but wondered if theres less supervision at his parents house than in a busy/small family home.

You need to face up to the fact that there is no relationship and you are a single parent to two children now.

The red flags were flying long before you had the baby. He was never going to be financially or emotionally committed to you and has no intentions of blending families. Sad but true. You would be better off dumping him.

Sorry to read, how awful it has been for you. I didn’t read all of your post, due to instant thought is…… why does he have to
have his DC at his mothers? Could it be he is not allowed to see his DC alone ??

Get rid. What a horrible man he is. There is just no need for this whatsoever. So hurtful and tbh downright weird.

Sorry but honestly you need to take a very long and hard look at how you got here.

You both had 2 yr olds from different relationships or situations that did not result in a family unit with both BPs. Then less than 18 mths into new relationships you somewhat planned another child. When you had barely blended and also clearly weren't emotionally or financially in a position for.

The fact you had started to blend your kids and he has removed his daughter is a massive flag he doesn't see you as a family unit and its taken you 5 mths to realise.

This is all so toxic and dysfunctional. Honestly I would park any notions on a romantic relationship and get to grips with being a mother to two small kids. Focus on family support and stabilising the situation for your two.

I don’t know how you resolve this. My husband never would have left me alone with our high needs newborn for more than absolutely necessary. He basically went to work and ran our essential errands. Otherwise he was there taking care of us.

Your partner isn’t handling this well at all. He had no business having another baby before his older child was fully integrated into the household. Yet he doesn’t have a Time Machine to go back and not put himself in this position.

your anger and frustration is completely justified. There just isn’t an easy solution because there is a 4yo involved here too whose needs matter just as much as everyone else.

I’m just brainstorming, but one thing that did help me when dc was young was radical changes in expectations. She was a very high needs infant and it was hard. So I had to sort of accept that my life was different than I expected. Once I did that, it got easier.

If your partner didn’t live with you, but you had a fixed schedule where he came and parented and also helped with chores around your home that might be easier than one you have now where you are expecting a family and not getting one. Maybe he comes over 5 times a week and does an hour with the baby and another hour of housework. Yes, I think he should do housework even if he doesn’t live there because it is a huge part of parenting a baby.

Surely op would have been made aware of something like this, she has two small children. Social services would have a responsibility to safeguard them too.

If you're not a priority for him now, you never will be.

Wow there's so much wrong with this.

He doesn't want his daughter at your house.
Parents don't seem to like you/your son (no offence) as the whole moody at Xmas and no crumbs allowed thing doesn't ring true if the 4 year old is always there.
No presents AT ALL from your partner for you or his own baby.

I don't really know what to say without sounding offensive. Surely you can see if for yourself?

Yes I was wondering if something has happened to warrant this and he’s keeping it from the OP

I don't mean to offend at all and perhaps I'm just being paranoid, but it seems a little bit strange that a dad wants his 4 year old daughter all to himself for supposed quality time? Time that is apparently never quite enough - what exactly are these high quality activities that you apparently have no place joining?

If his mother is misrable and hates Christmas and mess, why on earth would he want his daughter there, sounds like a right bundle of fun for her at 4 years old poor kid, iam sure she'd of had alot more fun at your house, your husband sounds awful, bin him off, it's better to be single and on your own,than in a marriage feeling alone xx

What’s you relationship like otherwise?

If you left the house for a week would you return to a perfectly run house?

or do you do most of the housework and childcare.

does he work, does he get up in the night.

is this behaviour re Christmas as odd as it sounds or is it an example of a greater issue?

Realistically he isn’t your partner. He is a boyfriend and doesn’t intend to blend his life with you. He doesn’t see you as his family. This is going to end. You need to plan for life as a single parent. But by the sounds of it, it won’t be much different. Really wishing you some lovely moments with your little ones. Hope you have family to support you.