AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

This makes zero sense. When people have a baby they don’t dump it and the mum to spend 1/2/1 with an older child if theyre in the same family - blended or not. This is nuts. One of the weirdest things I’ve read on here.

i wouldn’t be letting him back in. He can stay at his mums permanently if he’s so concerned about being there on Xmas day and every other weekend! I’d be packing his clothing into black bags now.

There needs to be calm conversation about arrangements going forward. 30 minutes each way really isn't anything at all (though appreciate it doesn't feel like it with a new born screaming ) For whatever reason, your partner has created a status quo where he sees his DD seperately. Perhaps DD was displaying challenging behaviour to her mum after being with your ds etc. My ds had massive meltdowns when he returned to me simply because he didn't like the situation he was in and that was the only way he could express it. Moving into a blended family at 4 with a new baby is hard work for a 4 yr old who tends to be egocentric and concrete in their thinking. Every other weekend can be hard for them as they naturally miss their own home and their own mum.
You'll need to understand and be understanding about what has created this. It's far bigger than just not spending Christmas with you. You're going to need to understand if the dd mum has threatened to withdraw contact completely etc. You don't have an ex in the picture so it's naturally going to be hard for you to understand just how much grief one person can cause another with these arrangements. Your partner lives with your ds and your new born, who knows what's been said to the DD or her parent . I've been the ex in this scenario and you truly wouldn't believe what my ds was being told by my ex husband... He married someone with older children and suddenly Christmas became all about massive presents for the older girls and what his new wife wanted 'their' Christmas to look like. The step mum insisted my 4 year old call her mum and these strange girls were his sister's. At my house ds was an only child not used to sharing space. Again, I reiterate that DD mum may not be being logical in her reactions but take a step back , take a deep breath and find out exactly what is going on rather than what you've been led to believe up until now.

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds really horrible for you, I genuinely cannot believe he left you alone with a newborn and of course your older son on Christmas Day when you are supposed to be a new family. It’s very odd that he doesn’t bring his daughter to your house do you know why? It’s as if he has 2 separate families that he doesn’t like to interact..Does her mum know about you and new baby etc? Just seems very strange.

I can’t believe there were no presents either, how awful. If I was in your shoes, I would solely focus on the 2 children you have, without him. Wishing you all the best for the new year :)

Op You have to look after yourself, and lean on your own family if possible.

Op could there be a reason he isn't allowed to bring his DD to your house?

Something sounds fishy about the lenght of time he had her over Christmas too, when did her Mum see her?

Moving to a bigger house, bigger rent, bigger council tax is probably the last thing Op wants to do right now.
She has to be prepared for this relationship not lasting and her raising her two children alone.
She has about 8 years before she needs to worry about her two sharing a room (if its 2 boys then shes good for a lot longer).

if time with his dd was so important, why isn’t he pushing for 50/50 responsibility?

Does he work OP?

honestly this is dead in the water. He has left you for a week whilst you are vulnerable with your hands full at Christmas time.? There is no forgiving him. The fact he can’t even see the problem tells you the SCALE OF THE PROBLEM.

Please do yourself and your kids a massive favour. Change the locks, ditch his stuff in bin bags and tell him to collect it. File for maintenance and be done with him.

his bullshit will ruin your life.

If his DD hasn’t slept over at yours since July then I’d be questioning if something happened to make her / her mum not want her to stay at yours?

While not entirely helpful, you knew this and had a child with this man?

Sounds like he does what he wants, when he wants.

Probably time to consider what he brings to your life? Would life be easier without him in it?

Op - I don't think it's an easy situation. You, of course, have a lot of important points. But I also do feel bad for his daughter, and I can see that he is trying to be a good Dad to her, even though he may be doing it in an awkward, and not well through through way.

Personally - I think you should have come to his parents' place for Xmas. Even if you don't quite like his mom - this is what happens at Xmas - couples go from one set of GP to other. Or - you invite them over, but with a new baby, this was not quite on the books.

I tend to agree with prioritising DD4 over baby for Xmas, if one needs to chose. I also don't quite understand why your own parents only stopped by for Xmas, rather than inviting your over and helping in a bigger way, given that your bf's plans were not news announced on the day. It takes a village to raise children - why is it only him in your village, why are your parents not helping more?

Yes his DD4 was likely told his new partner needed him more for months and months because of the new baby but that he could make up for it by having a special 7 days of Christmas with her.

@tizzy13 sorry you’re going through this. The whole set up as many have said sounds strange. I completely understand (and applaud) him wanting 1:1 time with his daughter but surely he can carve out 1:1 time with his dd whilst at your house every other weekend and surely it’s not 1:1 daddy daughter time if he’s at his own mother’s house. Something v strange there. Also your son was planned - did he ever mention during your pregnancy that he wanted this kind of arrangement ? I’m sure you would have thought twice about it if he had.

Re Xmas again I appreciate the four year old will appreciate Xmas more than a 12 weeker but if what you say is correct and his dd gets on well with your ds surely it would have been so much more fun for them to spend it together opening presents and playing etc. he could have taken his dd to his mums for the Xmas afternoon or for the whole day or Boxing Day. There should at least have been an agreement between you as a couple as to what worked best rather than hik unilaterally deciding he was leaving you alone for a week. Now I’m not one for Xmas or birthday presents but surely after everything you’ve been through (and with the knowledge that he was planning Xmas day without you) he’d have made an effort for a Xmas present for you and the boys.

Really struggling to justify his actions and I think there is more to the keeping kids seperate than he is letting know. Ultimately if his plan is to not blend the families ever it seems v unlikely for the relationship to be able to work. Please let yourself be looked after and lean on support from your family at this time. Hope your littlelest one is doing ok x

This. Sorry lovely. You need to sit him down and set out your red lines. If he’s not prepared to meet you at them, you’re better off without him.

OP said she has plenty of support from her side of the family and has described them coming over to hers over Christmas. He stuck with her from birth to 3mo old baby, he just wanted 1 week with his 4 yo DD at Christmas.

I know I’m a minority opinion, but no one is thinking of his daughter that he hardly ever sees. He sees OP’s 4yo DS loads more than his own daughter.

Thank goodness you have family that are rightly appalled at his behaviour.
Stop allowing him to live off you.
Put in for CM and keep this loser out of your home.
You deserve better, so do your poor children.
Don't be used by this loser.

Thank goodness you have family that are rightly appalled at his behaviour.
Stop allowing him to live off you.
Put in for CM and keep this loser out of your home.
You deserve better, so do your poor children.
Don't be used by this loser.

He had already spent from birth to 12 weeks with the baby, and you’re begrudging him 1 week with his 4 yo DD? He would have been back on the 26th Boxing Day except OP told him don’t come home because she’s too upset.

The man is a moron. The point isn't whether the new baby will remember the day, but that you need support caring for 2 kids postpartum. You've done more than enough to try and accommodate him and his DD.

One of the most sensible and well balanced posts I think I’ve read on Mumsnet.

big jump from every 2nd weekend. 😒

I assume that the routine would be similar when his 4 y.o visits, all hands on deck, entertaining two 4 year old children, where is the special time with DD1. It sound's like he spends a lot of time on the other 24 days of the month giving your 4 y.o special time.
I think it's always very unfair to the weekend child in this setup.
Do the 4 years like each other even? Do they want to share a home? A bedroom?
For some reason DD1 doesn't want to go to your home.
He is unreasonable for leaving you for the week.

He left to go to his parents on 19th and she was invited on the 25th. So even if she had gone, she was left home alone for quite a few days. There doesn't seem to be any good reason why he couldn't have spent some of that time with both his children.

He’s not a partner.

Were you reason for the split from his daughter’s mother? He doesn’t have much staying power if he already has children with someone else and his daughter is only 4. I guess you can look at the post or, when your son is 4 he will spend the whole Christmas period with him as he thinks children only need parents when they are 4.