AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

You set up family with a man who hasn’t even let you be a part of his daughters life? He has no plans on blending families, he expects you to take back seat whilst he sees his dd whilst neglecting you and the newborn? Why did you decide to have a child with this man?

Things won’t get better, they will get worse. His previous relationship didn’t work out for a reason?

This relationship isn’t going to workout, you will end up resenting his child (and his family) which will be unfair on his daughter and unfair on yourself and your dc.

As a fellow breastfeeding new mother who’s son was discharged from SCBU just before Christmas (he was born at 27+4 weeks as in hospital for 59 days) I am furious and sad on your behalf. To consider my partner wouldn’t be there to celebrate his first Christmas as a family is unthinkable. After everything we’ve gone through. I know how hard it is having a baby in NICU, and YANBU to expect the father to be present and participate in family life. Also, what about the days when your child is cluster feeding and you need help?? It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to blend families, but he’s not invested. What a shit situation for you to be in. You deserve far better. X

I really don’t see a future in this relationship.

You and the baby should be husband priority. You have made it nice so his dc can stay. I would be questioning whether he is committed to the relationship with you.
Would it have been the end of the world for the dc to enjoy Christmas with the family and get to know their siblings.
How does dp get more quality time staying with his mummy and daddy? I'm sure grandma would spend a lot of time with the dc, so how does that work?
There is absolutely no reason for dp to stay with his mummy and daddy instead of being at home with you.
It seems you will have problems later on with his dc if the family is kept apart now.
Perhaps dp doesn't actually want to be in a committed relationship.
I may be reading too much into this but having been through a marriage where he went "home" to his parents instead of coming back to our "house", this situation strikes me as apron strings.
Dp needs to behave responsibly.

. At least if I involve the grandparents they can tell me any information he has potentially left out.

Thinking about it OP, you clearly don’t trust your DP as here you insinuate that he’s hiding something from you and you also haven’t been given a clear explanation as to why things have changed.
I’m leaning towards supervised visits…

You’ve also said his mum is ‘tricky’ - are you sure she’s not stuck between a rock and a hard place with her useless son, doesn’t want to get too close to you as she assumes it will end in tears and/or is embarrassed of her DS behaviour?

Why are you putting up with this? He isn’t a partner and he and his family sound horrible. He could stay away permanently, in my opinion

How's things today OP?

”He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.”

But you’ll remember won’t you? How he left you alone for a week with a newborn and didn’t even buy you a Christmas present.

i have to say I think he’s over this relationship and is treating you like crap, and removing his daughter from your house because he’s either planning to end it or hoping you will and save him the trouble.

Your partner sounds like an awful human being in my opinion. I get that he wants to see his daughter, which is understandable but it’s awful that he left you on your own for Christmas. Not even a small present. Get rid of him. You don’t need this person in your life, how do you cope with this all year round?

Does he have his DD on the understanding that it's at his parents and that you are not involved with her? But, why no presents off him or his parents, it sounds as if your not accepted by them to me. You need to have a serious talk when he comes back about what's going on,

Its weird, it sounds like suddenly he is only allowed supervised visits with his DD and his parents are the nominated supervisor.

When he finally rocks up tell him to pack his bags and get out. Its your tenancy and he doesnt even seem to contribute. Hes a user

Are you sure he wasn’t with her and her mum?

Ugh. This man sounds selfish and immature. Was he always like this, or is it new behaviour? Either way, he left you on Xmas Day with two kids? No gifts, no real thought at all? Maintain and lean on your IRL support network op. I doubt he’s going to shape up, so it’s only a matter of time before you run out of patience, put your kids first, and dump this twat. Maybe do that sooner rather than later. Sorry.

I've only read your posts op but was there some blurred lines between the end of his relationship with his dds mum and the start of yours? Or did their relationship end poorly / become bad in the course of the split?
I suspect this is much more to do with placating her Mum than it is to do with Dd or your dp. Especially if you've got comfortable space for her and her siblings / step siblings there to play with.
Your dp needs to sort out a better custody agreement through the court.

Sadly this was my first thought upon reading the thread 😔

2 years together and you've already got a baby.

Another rush to blend families and the kids suffer.

How long after meeting did he move in with you?

It's all a bit of a mess OP.

I would end the relationship before forming any further bond with his daughter. It's not fair on anyone involved. He doesn't seem to want you in her life. It's not going to work.

Can you point me to where the OP confirmed it was mum who has stopped DSD being in her house?

I wonder is it quality time though? Or does he laze about at his mums and his mum runs around after his DD?

Is there a possibility that he is actually still in a relationship with DD Mum ? And he’s balancing both families. He sounds like a total twat

You poor woman, that is absolutely disgusting. Your supposed to be his partner yet he has left you alone at Xmas with his baby and his SC while she swans off to play happy families with his no doubt (narcissist mother) I cannot imagine being the kind of mother in law who does not want to see her new grandchild at Xmas along with your little one which she should be including too surly. I feel like this is unforgivable.

you will be ok without this man!! Please be strong for your two little ones. Your children deserve better than this.

no year fresh start

I do wonder if his parents have anything to do with this set up - speaking from experience. When I met my now husband, he had a 7 year old DD. His mother treated her like her daughter and had full control over both of them. I was never asked around to her house and she found any opportunity to ruin anything I planned with him and daughter. I did eventually snap after a couple of years and put rules in place or it was over. It worked but my MIL pushed back to the point that my husband now doesn't speak to her. Ive been with my husband nearly 14 years and he hasn't spoken to his mum or family in 6 years. I would suggest trying to tell your partner what you want and need and see what he does and how he reacts.

He sounds checked out. You have an infant very recently out of NICU that he can't be bothered with. He's spending EOW at his parents.

I think having a sit down with his parents is a really bad idea. He's an adult and makes his decisions about his daughter and you need to hash this out with him, not them. Especially since you say his mom is funny with you. They're not going to give you answers if he refuses.

For whatever reason, your partner has gone back to a separate family situation and will not be blending families. That's his decision. Unfortunately, he's made it clear that your family is not his priority when it comes to holidays and events, his daughter is.

You need to decide if you can live with that kind of setup and being ignored on major holidays as well as him being out of the home on those and EOW.

Lots of reasons he is unconnected to you OP, so all red flags. Unless he voluntarily tells you the truth in all of this, I think you should disconnect him from your life (not DC) and go to court for CM. His access in future to be determined by the Court when DC is older.

There is, sadly, no more relationship between you. This was made clear over Christmas and the lack of presents and contact.

So sorry for your situation. Hugs to you and your DCs.

Just out of interest, what are his plans next Christmas and the next one and all the other future Christmases when both of his children, and your son, want to see him.

Will he dump you and your shared child when his daughter is 8 and your shared son is 4?

It all seems impossible to manage going forward........what about summer holidays, etc.....