Sister hijacked my time with DD

I agree with this @HighlyUnusual. If she’s in her late 20’s and in a relationship, she probably doesn’t need to be protected from her auntie by you.

I agree with this! Super over the top and pandering I say. Instead of teaching her to be super appreciative that her aunt wanted to give her a gift and see her, I’m quite baffled! Yes, I have an autistic son. We don’t live in a world on our own, our children should not be isolated but should be encouraged to mix with others and appreciate family especially.

You think it's crazy to have 8 family members in a living room but for some reason it's normal for an adult to "hide in the kitchen with the boyfriend and a dog"? MN is a wild place sometimes.

What's crazy about 8 of you being in a small living room? 😳

The lives some people live

Maybe the aunt is also neuro diverse but presents in a different way?

What situation? This is bizarre in the extreme. What is about her aunt that your daughter can’t cope with?

I don't understand why you think it is your responsibility to mange, you can help her navigate the situation but I really think it isnt in your control, she is 26 how does she want to handle it ?

Does your daughter work with other people? What happens if she’s out and about and there are more than 8 people present? How does she cope then?

I hope the 3 of you can work through this for next year. Maybe not being the boyfriend or dog. It would be nice for her to interact with her aunt and cousins. She may never know when she might need them.

As someone most likely neurodivergent myself, with 2 autistic offspring (16 and 18) and several autistic extended family, I understood what you meant before you explained. But clearly others didn't.
In future I would speak to your sister and not tell her when your daughter will be there. See them separately and protect your daughter from what sounds to be an overwhelming situation. Your sister should understand, and as you say you want to see both, work it out in a way that you can see them separately. Or arrange for daughter's visit to be nearing a close just as sister is arriving, so they can see each other but briefly.
As you can see from all the posts above using words like "normal", not everyone understands. You can either attempt to explain or arrange the visit differently.
Oh, and send yourself a reminder well in advance of next Christmas (point yourself to this post via link if nothing else!).

Did your daughter give her aunt a Christmas gift?

Can you explain why a 26 year old who lives independently would need protecting from a kind relative bringing her a present? Or what’s crazy about a gathering of 8 people who are related to each other?

It sounds like your sister wants to see your DD in person to exchange gifts. So why don’t you try & facilitate an actual time that this can occur next year and then you can control it and make sure it’s done in a way your DD will enjoy.

How does she work/study if she can't cope with 8 people at a time?

Your dd is an adult? Seems she’s old enough to say this to her aunt herself?

What was the situation she needed protection from? Being given a gift from a family member?
You are coming across as scarily over involved and invested in your dds new diagnosis.

I’d explain to your sister that your daughter has grown up enough now not to need any more Christmas presents going forward, and she’s socially a bit awkward.

If your daughter is living independently, and has a boyfriend, she may not need you to step in, it's a bit infantalising. You can't manage all her life for her when she's heading into her late twenties.

I think we talked about it a few days before Christmas but i don't think I agreed to it.

You know you didn't agree to it. You should have sent her away when she turned up announced on your doorstep.

So I think you have 2 options for next Christmas:

1. Don't tell your sister what date your DD is coming over to you.
2. Tell your sister that your DD is diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, that she gets easily overwhelmed by situations like this, and that you want to protect and ringfence your time alone with her. You will need to be firm and spell this out clearly to your sister, because she is not likely to easily understand how her visits make your DD feel, much like many of the posters who have replied to you on this thread.

From someone with ADHD and some autism too, it would be much better for your daughter if you worked on some coping mechanisms to deal with unexpected changes, rather than trying to avoid the triggers.

Trying to interact with family and exchanging gifts is all very normal for Christmas. On the surface it seems like your sister has done nothing wrong. Have you made it clear to her what accommodations your DD needs?

And what about everything else?

You need to arrange for her to go to her aunts so she can leave when she is ready, I appreciate she is neurodiverse but she is living with her boyfriend and can navigate life independently but I do think you either need tp tell your sister she can't manage the gift giving or your Dd decides what she wants to do about the gift giving.

If your DD is big and brave enough to have a boyfriend, I'm sure she can be nice to her auntie and cousins for half an hour in exchange for some presents.