Sister hijacked my time with DD

She’s autistic.

I hate how the onus is always on disabled people to integrate, rather than people making accommodations for them that’d be no skin of their nose.

This sounds bonkers all round unless there's more to it.....

Is it your DD with the problem regarding the preset exchange or you?

The way this thread played out is the perfect encapsulation of neurotypical normalization. It was absolutely obvious to anyone who doesn’t view the world only through a neurotypical bias that the daughter and likely OP are neurodiverse. She clearly outlines the distress this situation caused. Yet the responses immediately go to how this is a normal situation and the daughter needs to be more resilient.

What really needs to change is the default mindset of society.

Your dd hides from her auntie? Assuming there are underlying reasons for this, just don't tell your sister next time.

Why dont you just tell DSis its not convenient?

What a strange situation/overreaction. And I don’t mean the sister …
I’m guessing you and your daughter are neurodiverse?

I know exactly what you mean, OP, but this thread is going to be full of 'autistic adults need to just behave like everyone else' responses.

8 people in a small room can be difficult from a sensory perspective, but not so bad if you know it's going to happen. It's the unexpectedness of it. She expected to spend time with you, not your sister and her family as well. Withdrawing to the kitchen was likely a coping mechanism to stop her from getting overwhelmed - there's nothing wrong with this. If she knows she can leave a situation to calm down, that's something she can build on - leaving the overwhelming situation, getting calm, and deciding whether to go back into it or not. Often stressful situations are easier to cope with if there's a clear way out.

Next year either you or your DD (preferably her) needs to tell your sister that DD does want to see her and her family (presuming that's true) but that she's very uncomfortable with unplanned visits so it would be great to arrange a date in advance. If your sister isn't okay with this, if I were your DD I wouldn't want to see her at all.

Autistic adults don't need to be babied but they should have their wishes respected. It doesn't matter if everyone else is okay with surprise visits and crowded rooms. If she's not, and she says so, don't do it to her. It's not a work requirement or a medical procedure where there are serious consequences to avoidance and it's important to find a way to cope with it. It's sodding presents.

This...

As massive over-reaction from someone who is an adult and seemingly living independently.

Unless there's something massive that OP hasn't mentioned about DD.

Your dd is old enough to manage a relationship and a dog but can’t ‘cope’ with changes? How ridiculous and how does she function as an adult in the real world?

Mark the dates on your calendar / diary now for next Christmas, invite for dsis and family and a few days later dd even if you need to change the dates it will remind you to keep the two meetings apart, but I do agree with pp's your dsis is her aunt, could you arrange a post Christmas lunch just the three of you.

Is this for real? This has to be the world’s biggest non event. Aunt wants to visit Niece for Christmas? You all need to get a grip.

So what’s your actual problem, OP? Your thread title suggests you’re unhappy that your DSis impinged on your time with your DD, but then your OP implies you’re upset because your DD was stressed by the visit? Which is it? My guess is that your thread title is closer to the truth - ie you wanted time with just you, your DD and her BF, and you’re using DD’s recent diagnosis as the excuse for this.

Right, well you don’t need an excuse to want to spend time alone with your DD. That’s fine. However, you do need to stop being such a drip about communicating your wishes (Quote: “I think we talked about it a few days before Christmas but i don't think I agreed to it”.) Lay out your wishes clearly, in a text preferably so there’s no confusion. You can also then look back at the text if you get confused about what you said. Make sure your DSis replies to your text, acknowledging what you said.

But, your DSis clearly wanted to see your DD and exchange presents, so you should have suggested a day and time for this too. As you didn’t, your DSis just turned up when she knew your DD would be there.

Finally, stop babying your DD. You’re doing her no favours. Firstly, you messed up the communication and plans with your DSis so she turned up when you weren’t expecting it. This meant your DD was thrown too. However, your DD needs support to function in the real world, so even if she’d hidden in the kitchen initially, you should have encouraged her out and explained why. There’s nothing at all wrong with having 8 people in a living room, especially when they’re relatives who’ve come to exchange gifts.

The start of all this hoohah was you crapping up your communication with your DSis, so apologise to your DD for that. If your DSis is the kind of person to ignore a text agreement, then simply turn her away at the door if she turns up and point her to the text agreement. My bet is she wouldn’t just turn up if you were clearer and firmer.

It sounds like your sister wants to see your daughter too? So thinks it’sa good idea to come round when she’ll be there?
i understand it’s difficult for your daughter, so I’d definitely keep it secret next time - but would it be possible for everyone to get together if your daughter has time to mentally prepare?

Your DD is 28, old enough to sort this herself, she doesn’t need to protect her from a gift exchange.

I agree ☝️ a She is a grown woman living independently, there is nothing to protect her from. Her aunt popped in to give her a present.

You and your daughter sound painful. I feel sorry for your sister. Talk. To. Her. and let her know.

Your DD is 26. She gets to come up with her own strategies for managing unexpected encounters.

My 19 year old daughter has ASD and ADHD, and one of my jobs is to teach her how to function in the real world, where you can’t hide in a kitchen when there are too many people around.

We shouldn’t be infantilising our young people, your DD is old enough to have her own home, boyfriend, and job. She no doubt uses transport, supermarkets, restaurants and other places.

She can, and should, be able to create and enact her own strategies, and use her own voice, to deal with these situations. You sweeping in is unhelpful, and this kind of intervention can make matters worse.

So just tell your sister the truth. Say that the autism makes crowds difficult.

I'm wondering how she got to 26 without a diagnosis when it's so debilitating that having family visit would damage your relationship with her.

It actually sounds as if both the OP and her DD have additional needs - the OP mentioned that her sister can confuse her easily.

Did DD actually have some sort of meltdown in the living room, or was it more that you were worried that she might?

Did anything happen? It all sounds fine although a bit crowded. Everyone exchanged presents, DD had BF and DDog to protect her from her aunt if necessary.

Gosh, how sad. Your sister probably has no idea how you feel, and DD felt, as your reactions to her visit are highly unusual.