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Original poster

To think manners were always a 'thing'

59 replies

Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:01

I remember being a little girl and noticing that my mother never said 'please' or 'thank you' to anyone in the family. I remember resenting being told to 'pass me the butter' or 'go and get my purse' etc and as I approached the end of primary school, noticed other children's parents saying please and thank you to them and thinking it was so weird.

So then I decided to enforce 'please' and 'thank you' with my sister who is 6 years my junior. I remember being on this big mission to make sure she had lovely manners and I actually became obsessed with saying please and thank you to people.

Then when I had kids, my mum told me I was being bossy when I made my own children say please and thank you and that it was OTT. Everyone comments on what lovely manners my children have so I don't care if my mum thought i was being OTT.

Anyway, recently I was talking to mum and she said that when she was a child, nobody used manners (born in the 50s). I said what about at home? What if someone gave you something? She said that nobody ever handed her anything (!) and so there was never any need to say please or thank you. She said 'all this please and thank you stuff' is a modern thing and nobody taught their children to say it in her day.

Am I right in thinking that this is just rubbish and maybe her mum didn't bother with manners but the rest of her generation did?

OP posts:
Pricelessadvice · 28/12/2025 18:22

My mum and dad were born in the 40s and 50s. Manners were a huge thing to both and me and my brother were raised to have manners.

Bikergran · 28/12/2025 18:20

No, she was just brought up by rude ignorant parents.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 18:19

3% think my mum is right, interesting. Do tell!

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 28/12/2025 18:18

Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:17

I knew it. What she was saying are absolutely no sense but she was trying to imply that nobody in her generation was raised with manners and that it's a modern day phenomenon. And then when she said that there was literally never a reason to say please or thank you because nobody ever physically gave her anything except her meals which were already on the table. I thought it was so strange.

Your mum is the outlier here - it was drummed into us, both at home and at school. Working class family, school echoed the roughness of the area.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 18:18

AyrshireTryer · 28/12/2025 18:13

If I hadn't said "please" and "thank you" I'd probably have a size 4 and a half court shoe sticking out of my forehead right now.

Edited

This made me laugh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 18:17

TheRealMagic · 28/12/2025 18:12

There are still lots of people like this! I once got quite mocked on MN when I said that DH and I say thanks to each other for anything we'd thank someone else for, e.g. 'thanks for hoovering', 'thanks for putting the bins out', 'thanks for putting the kids to bed', etc. I remember being a little hurt by the posters saying this was ludicrous and overformal but for me it's mad to be less polite to your partner than you would be to someone you don't even like.

Show quote history

Ive noticed this too, and it gets politicised into misogyny here, as in 'why should you thank your husband for doing the dishes' when actually my husband and I often thank eachother for doing lots of things. Its another way of saying 'I saw that you did that job so now I don't have to do it' and it goes both ways. You're not alone!

OP posts:
Nucleus · 28/12/2025 18:16

Quite the opposite in my experience. People these days seem far more rude and impatient than when I was a child.

Miranda65 · 28/12/2025 18:16

Manners have been important to every generation, and still are. And especially in the home, as that is where children learn.

AyrshireTryer · 28/12/2025 18:13

If I hadn't said "please" and "thank you" I'd probably have a size 4 and a half court shoe sticking out of my forehead right now.

TheRealMagic · 28/12/2025 18:12

Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:32

I think this was her experience. Like you didn't waste manners on children, or your husband for that matter. I don't think she says please or thank you to my dad (vice versa) and I think they find it weird that DH and I ask for things politely even though we are married:-)

Show quote history

There are still lots of people like this! I once got quite mocked on MN when I said that DH and I say thanks to each other for anything we'd thank someone else for, e.g. 'thanks for hoovering', 'thanks for putting the bins out', 'thanks for putting the kids to bed', etc. I remember being a little hurt by the posters saying this was ludicrous and overformal but for me it's mad to be less polite to your partner than you would be to someone you don't even like.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 18:10

My mum says please and thank you when we are a shop or at a cafe etc. If someone gives her a gift she says thank you and always made us ring our aunts and uncles to say thank you for gifts. But she never used it within the family at home and it wasn't a natural part of our daily life. 'Having nice manners' didn't seem to be a concept that she bought into, but she did know when was the socially appropriate time to do it outside of the home. For me, manners are integral to all of my relationships, kids, husband, colleagues, strangers. I dont have no manners at home then good manners outside of the home. Am I making sense?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 28/12/2025 18:06

My DM always ensures that we had good manners, she was born in 1950. My DGM’s born in 1920’s were both very ladylike and always had good manners.
Your mother is rude and making excuses.

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 28/12/2025 18:05

Your.mum is weird. Sorry OP. Manners cost nothing and they can mean the world. I would carry on as you are

Pedallleur · 28/12/2025 18:04

Just her. Good manners cost nothing. My teen daughter is always polite and it works for her. Even gets free stuff in certain shops!!! People have commented on her manners. She is a credit to herself

DustyMaiden · 28/12/2025 18:02

Be seen and not heard
do not put elbows on the table
do not start eating before everyone else
do not leave the table until everyone has finished.
ask to be excused before leaving the table
please and thank you but never ask for anything

born 1962 London slums

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 18:01

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/12/2025 17:55

There is definitely a trend in older people I know that they find it odd when, for example, we treat children with respect, or offer them the same meals as us, or plan around them a bit.

But as far as I know they're all super pleased that my son and his friends all say please and thank you etc.

Yes my mum finds it odd when I give my children choices. But also when I dont give choices (water or water!).

OP posts:
TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/12/2025 17:55

There is definitely a trend in older people I know that they find it odd when, for example, we treat children with respect, or offer them the same meals as us, or plan around them a bit.

But as far as I know they're all super pleased that my son and his friends all say please and thank you etc.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 28/12/2025 17:53

I was raised in a 1960s working class home and manners were even more important to us! We knew that we were looked down on by those who were better off (ie, my mum's entire family) and so were encouraged to be extra-polished with manners and respect towards our elders, so as not to give them anything to tut about.

Appearances were everything back then, clean socks and frocks to meet adults, speak when spoken to, don't shout, be polite...

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:48

alexdgr8 · 28/12/2025 17:43

Some rougher type people might have been like that but in my experience pretty much everyone in the working class world of my youth had manners.
That was the norm throughout society.
Perhaps your mother now realises that she lacked something in her own upbringing and is trying to justify it as the norm. Rather than face the pain that her parents weren't bothered to be more attentive.

Yeah I think this is what happened. My mum was raised in a working class home but I had a more middle class upbringing and don't know if she is working that all out in her head too.

OP posts:
HelenaWilson · 28/12/2025 17:46

Anyway, recently I was talking to mum and she said that when she was a child, nobody used manners (born in the 50s).

I was born in the 1950s. Manners were very much a thing. Saying please and thank you - everywhere, not just at home or with family - or no thank you if you didn't want what was offered, writing thank you letters, greeting and speaking to relatives who visited the house, or who you were taken to visit, giving up your seat on the bus, not pushing in a queue.

And at both my primary and secondary school, we stood up when the Head walked up to the front of the hall to take Assembly.

alexdgr8 · 28/12/2025 17:43

Some rougher type people might have been like that but in my experience pretty much everyone in the working class world of my youth had manners.
That was the norm throughout society.
Perhaps your mother now realises that she lacked something in her own upbringing and is trying to justify it as the norm. Rather than face the pain that her parents weren't bothered to be more attentive.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:34

EveSix · 28/12/2025 17:25

For some reason, I find your mum's take on this fascinating. My mum and grandma were definitely into their pleases and thank yous.

I wonder what it was that made your mum so adamant it wasn't a thing?

I don't know! I don't think my grandma was a very good parent and I don't think mum was brought up very well. My mum is probably trying to connect the dots between not being raised to use manners and the fact that I hammer it into my kids.

OP posts:
MrDobbs · 28/12/2025 17:33

My parents didn't say please or thank you but my wife's parents did and I try to ensure I do it with my children.

However, tone of voice was very important at home when I was growing up. So I (probably wrongly) assumed that politeness was implicit in the way I was speaking even though I didn't say please.

I also find it very grating when I hear the opposite, i.e..someone talking in a rude or aggressive tone but adding "please" or "thank you" - I would actually find it less bad if they dropped the pretence of politeness.

I don't think this is normal but not sure if anyone else had the same experience.

Original poster
Hidingupatree · 28/12/2025 17:32

RawBloomers · 28/12/2025 17:27

Please and thank you was for outside the home, not family when I was growing up.

I think this was her experience. Like you didn't waste manners on children, or your husband for that matter. I don't think she says please or thank you to my dad (vice versa) and I think they find it weird that DH and I ask for things politely even though we are married:-)

OP posts:
cobrakaieaglefang · 28/12/2025 17:30

Even DH grew up having good manners, in a 1950/60s children's home. which was otherwise quite a brutal placeI grew up with manners, as did our children. It was commented on when they were little, sitting nicely at the table, please, thank you, can you pass the..., may I leave the table etc

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