Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

You are not there on what could be long lonely days, nights and mornings. He deserves to be happy plus if she's looking after him then you need to do less.

The problem is I think that she’s in your mums home. If your dad had moved after you mum died and had got rid of the dressing table etc then I think you would find this a bit easier.

it’s always going to be hard the first few times she puts the kettle in in your mums kitchen but it will get easier.

she’s sounds lovely, and it just sound like you’re missing your mum

I’d also remind you that it’s probably stirring up grief your had tried to bury if you know what I mean, it’s a visual representation that your mum isn’t here anymore. Be kind to yourself, but remember your dads happiness is paramount

Well it seems he's got a new girlfriend and if things carry on she may move in with him.

Unless she seems like a gold digger, or to be cruel, rude, unkind or controlling, you really have to just let him get on with it.

She'll never replace your lovely mum. But your DF does deserve to have a partner/companion whatever you want to call it. Your mum wouldn't have wanted him to face his last years alone?

Just be supportive and make sure you have open dialogue with him. As much as is possible with older people and talking about relationships to their kids.

I think the amount of time passing is irrelevant and your feelings are entirely normal and valid.
I'm really sorry for your loss,. You sound a lovely person who is able to see the good your Dad's companion is bringing to his and your children's lives.
I hope it gets easier for you in time.

Totally understandable OP, it'll just take a bit of getting used to that's all

@Sunnywinterdays1you can be both, happy your dad is happy, but also grief isn’t linear. Christmas is a time when we feel our losses more acutely. Seeing this lady in this context, in your family home is going to take a little getting used to..

I don’t think you are unreasonable for having these feelings- especially as you have not said that you’ve acted on those feelings at all. I think I would feel the same.

Your Mum sounds like a really good woman- does it help to think about how she would feel about your Dad having a companion? She would perhaps be happy that he is not alone. (I know this is how I’d feel about the idea of my DH meeting someone else if I’d died)

Hopefully it will get easier with time. 💐

Yes you are being unreasonable, you know you are but it’s completely understandable too so don’t be harsh on yourself about it, we can all be unreasonable at times. The important thing is to keep the feelings to yourself and anonymous forums and be careful how you are in real life. It sounds like she is a lovely companion for him.

its hard for all children to see their parent with another partner, even years later and when their ex left them even. My dc didn’t find it easy when I met my now dh despite their dad dumping me! Ultimately they came around but I know they had to be diplomatic at first, seeing my now dh sat at the table where their dad used to sit etc - and this was them as adults and they were quite aware he had swanned off, where a parent has died it’s even harder to see. Perhaps ask your dad to spend a little time with just you occasionally and the rest of the time accept his relationship

You can feel the way you feel that’s fine but you’d be unreasonable to voice it.

I could never vote YABU because of course that's going to sting a little. That's not to say that your DF is BU either. It's going to take some adjustment but it's lovely that your father has found someone to share his days.

I hope you come to accept her fully in time, but allow yourself that time.

It's not about 'reasonable'.

You feel the way you feel; that's fine.

You would be unreasonable to show it at all, to him or to her.

I also don't think you are describing her spending a 'lot' of time there. Your dad could perfectly well have remarried and moved in with her by now; some people would. Maybe he doesn't want to; maybe she doesn't want to; maybe they will and maybe they won't. But I think you probably need to make sure you are being extra welcoming to her (given you do seem to feel she's genuinely nice and a positive force in your dad's life).

Absolutely normal for it to stir up sadness about your mum, though. Of course.

These feelings are entirely normal. Your head says one thing, your heart another.

Time is the process where you transition from your childhood home being a place where you could remember your mum, to a place where another person has ‘taken’ her place.

Perhaps you can get something from your childhood home or old photos and use those to invoke all the happy memories of your mum. Just because someone dies a long time ago, doesn’t mean you stop missing them.

It's clear you don't begrudge your father companionship and happiness AND it's still hard to see someone else in the space your mother left behind. It sounds like part of grieving still.

Sounds like you are seeing your dad a bit as a 'role' in your own life rather than his own person. He's not just your dad, and this isn't about you. He deserves his own happiness.

You can have all the feelings that you have. You can find it difficult, you can completely hate it. It's normal to feel like that.

The important thing is how you act, not how you feel. They are two completely different things

Except that’s not what the OP is doing.…

Imagine if you had been widowed 13 years ago and you were being criticised for moving on

I think it’s quite normal tbh. Of course you are happy for you dad to have company but it’s seeing another woman doing things in your family home that is jarring.

Your feelings are perfectly natural. Embrace them and allow yourself to feel that way.

But also be happy your DF has found some companionship. It’s a lonely life otherwise.

A wee bit unreasonable, but understandable I think

Well, you feel how you feel, but I’d regard it as my issue to come to terms with, rather than anything this woman is doing wrong.

I think it’s natural to feel a little strange but kindly it’s been the best part of 13 years and of course your dad wants her around