Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

Something I’ve noticed as a parent is that often our children do not see us as individuals, as people with our own needs & hopes - rather as adjuncts to them. This can result in selfish behaviour from children, because they just do not see our feelings. We are the background to their lives, rather than characters in our own story, so they need us to remain the same, unchanging, sources of stability for them, not people in our own right. We are ‘support humans’ you could say.

My own children for instance I know are somewhat resentful of my partner - they don’t see the joy he brings to my life, the support or the kindness, just the fact that he has ‘replaced’ their father.

I do think this is something that adult children need to work on, & that it’s not enough to say ‘oh, your feelings are your feelings, they can’t be unreasonable’.

Maybe feelings can’t be unreasonable, but sometimes we still need to speak firmly to ourselves and put them aside, recognising that they have their roots in childhood, and are not respectful of the rights and individuality of others. I think that is the position the OP is in - this is about recognising her father as an individual separate to her, with needs of his own. These feelings may arise, but they need to be put aside.

You are not unreasonable, nor is your dad. I find it incredibly difficult just visiting my dad in our family home because I see mum in everything - even though it’s been 17 years. He hasn’t changed anything so it’s hard not to. I completely understand this is difficult for you. I would talk to both of them if I were you and say you are so happy for them that they have each other and X is SO lovely, but sometimes it’s a bit difficult seeing X in the same homely space you saw your mum in for so many years. I bet you anything they will both completely understand where you are coming from. Until you’ve got used to the new dynamics, it might be worth meeting up elsewhere. Be kind to yourself, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling.

Your Mum died in 2013. You're not being reasonable.

I don’t think she comes across like that at all. OP sounds like she’s the product of great parents and a solid, secure upbringing in a happy home.

Some people are used to multiple partners and dysfunctional relationships and seeing parent’s latest squeeze come and go.

But if you’re not used to a split family and have been brought up by two people throughout your life it can be gut wrenching to see someone replace your (in this case) Mum’s shoes. Yes her Mum died a while ago, and if her Dad has been on his own for 12 years, OP probably thought that’s how he would carry on. To see another woman in her Mum’s house after a lifetime of two steady parents must be a shock and take some getting used to.

You are not unreasonable; it's how you feel and I would also feel the same.

You are also not unreasonable because you acknowledge how you feel, and also recognise that.your Dad's new companion is a pleasant woman.

Christ. What is wrong with you?! She doesn’t come across like that at all.

Feelings can be nuanced. She wants her Dad to be happy, and appreciates on an intellectual level that it’s been over a decade. But, she’s still struggling with some feelings about it. As people are not robots. All of that is perfectly understandable to anyone with an ounce of empathy, surely?

I sympathise very much OP. It was excruciating to me seeing another woman cooking with mum's favourite pans and driving her car. Just hang on in there and it will get easier as you get to know her better and appreciate that she's making your dad happier.

Don't be so nasty.

And if you read the thread, the OP very much does want her dad to be happy.

She's just struggling with new feelings which are perfectly understandable, especially at this time of year.

I one hundred percent understand. My parents have been married 59 years, it would kill me to see another woman pottering around my Mum’s kitchen and our family home. I’m sure she’s very nice and there’s nothing you can do but you are not being unreasonable at all to feel like this.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel sad and odd about it. It would be unreasonable to be unpleasant to her or whinge at your dad but feelings just are what they are. You'll get used to it and it will get easier.

my mum died of cancer within 2 weeks dad was meeting this old lady for a meal.broke ,me she really was terrible he then moved her in changed his will to make sure she had money if he died first, she hated me would let me visit for more than half an hour, your dad waited a long time to meet someone, let him have a bit of happiness i know it hurts

Your feelings are completely normal. You were lucky to have had loving parents who gave you a loving and happy life. Be thankful that after spending years living alone, your dad has found happiness with another lady who is making his life happy and fulfilling, having someone to share his life in his elderly years, holidays, theatre, days and meals out etc. You have your memories of your mum, and your dad does too, but let him live out his life with this lady who loves him too xx

Are you worried this lady friend is taking advantage of your dad? It happens. How much younger is the friend?

I completely understand how you feel - my lovely mum passed away 6 years ago, and 3 years ago my dad started seeing someone else who he’s now very serious with. His new partner is absolutely lovely and an amazing match for him, I’m so happy they’ve found each other. But it’s still difficult at times to have her at Christmas gatherings and meeting my new baby when I wish it were my mum there.
Of course you would be unreasonable to say something to either your dad or his new partner, and it’s something you need to come to terms with. Your dad deserves to be happy with someone else after so long alone. But it’s also a natural way to feel, so don’t beat yourself up over it.

I can understand where you're coming from. Your feelings are valid and takes time its a big adjustment, but I'd be happy that my dad has found love again. She will never replace your mum.

Yanbu unreasonable to notice and feel it. Let yourself do that. Obviously uwbvu to say anything. But its definitely OK to miss your mum at Christmas or any time and notice the changes.

He's not just your dad, and this isn't about you. He deserves his own happiness

Genuinely how do people read the OP and this is their take away?

I couldn’t vote YABU because grief is a personal thing and doesn’t have a time limit. However, I think you know that these feelings are unfair on your father who deserves happiness and companionship in his remaining years. Be kind to yourself but an try to be happy for your dad.

I changed my vote to you are not being unreasonable, your feelings are just that, your feelings and on reflection I may well feel the same if I was in your position. It's now about how you deal with those feelings going forward, I think you need to keep them private and be pleased your df has some company and happiness after being on his own for so long 💐

Of course it will raise feelings but this was over a decade ago, which does change things. I would never expect my DH to spend the rest of his life alone and lonely only ever thinking of his loyalty to me. I’d want him to find love again and find happiness now that I’m gone. Maybe use the new year as a chance to look into some therapy for your own feelings. Unfortunately when people die life still has to carry on for the ones left behind.