Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

@BoundaryGirl3939 I completely disagree, if someone lives in that home then that's the person who should be turning on the kettle too, I mean you just have to cut people slack, you can't expect a nearly 80 year old who is welcoming and nice to know to stop turning the kettle on! I've noticed this a lot on Mumsnet, people appear to expect others not only to be mind-readers but do and say all manner of things to accommodate them. If she hadn't put on the kettle, then the OP would have said she wasn't welcoming!

You can't win both as a parent, and as a woman, and there's a little bit of that here- this woman has dared to go into the OP's family home, well, the OP must be pretty middle-aged herself if her dad is nearly 80 and so it's not realistic, she hasn't lived there probably for 30 years!

I think there is a lot of truth in this.

I realised this with my own children. They do want me to be happy- but ideally with nothing changing, everything just the way it was, and in the same place so they can return to the happy childhood they remember (even though at the time they cried and moaned a lot!) If you move on too fast, everyone tuts, if you move on a decade later everyone likes the status quo. If you get rid of stuff, it's disrespectful, if you don't get rid of stuff, it's like a mausoleum; if you sell the family house they have lost that family home; if you don't sell it, then they will always remember the person who is lost there...basically, whatever you do, death and grief is hard and children struggle with it! This is normal and necessary and I don't think whatever you do you can fully solve it as a parent.

My parents got divorced and I did find it a bit difficult seeing my mum with her new partner, but got over it pretty quickly, I think keeping in mind that otherwise that parent will be facing life on their own which may not be what they want is a good way to start accepting what is.

You aren't wrong though to have a pang or two when you see her using your childhood crockery that your mum used to use. It isn't rational for them to move house, erase your mum (and you wouldn't want that), get all new furniture and crockery and so on, but it still leads to a bit of pang in your chest, and that's ok, OP.

i am in the same position and completely understand how you are feeling, i think it’s normal to have conflicting emotions. happy that your dad has company but if you haven’t lost your mum you will never understand how it feels to see their place being taken, those saying ‘but it’s been 13 years’ obviously haven’t lost theirs 💕

Therapy will help but I totally understand how hard this would be, it makes total sense you’d find it hard at such an emotive time of the year.

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel what you do as long as you don't express this to your father. He deserves companionship just as mush as you deserve to feel the way you do, find a supportive friend to sound off to but never tell him.

100pc agree with this post.
Thank you

There are two sets of emotions here - you are glad your dad has a companion and wouldn’t want him to be lonely.
But I think especially for women our old family home brings up all sorts of emotions.
Yes, it’s not practical to replace everything your mum used, but I get it’s very poignant to see another woman use her pots and pans.
I don’t think the man involved even notices.
This is about you and your mum, and you have been very honest here. You’ve talked about it here rather than voice it to your dad.
You miss your mum. Whether it’s been three years or three decades, this time of year brings up these emotions, and memories of your mum in the kitchen, for example.
The lady in question hasn’t given it a thought that it might be upsetting for you, but as long as she’s good to your dad, and you and your family, that really matters.

You are allowed to feel as you do OP
Must be very hard indeed seeing your dad's gf occupying all the spaces and home rituals at your family home.
Don't beat yourself up OP.
Your mum was a very special lady and can never be replaced.
Hold on to the memories.
Take care OP

It's fine to have these feelings, so long as you keep them absolutely to yourself and never ever let your df or her know you are feeling them.

No one can police how we feel. However, you would be a bad person if you were to ruin your father's old age due to your own feelings.

I was you but my mum had passed away less time. I found it extremely difficult but I was pleased my dad had some company and wasn’t lonely any more

I just wanted to send you big hugs. I don’t care how long it has been, seeing someone else in your mums place must be so hard - I find it hard enough visiting my DF’s house now mum isn’t there and I can’t imagine how much harder that would be with someone else in it. That doesn’t mean you can’t be pleased for your dad at the same time. But just be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel what you need to and hopefully it will become less uncomfortable over time.

I can see where you're coming from Op. You essentially felt like a guest in your family home.

People tend to disagree with me but her physical actions would have made me uncomfortable too....turning on the kettle for you as though you were an outsider, cooking with your mothers dishes, essentially signaling or behaving as though it was her space now. A bit insensitive. I would understand if she behaved like that privately but definitely not in front of adult children who grew up there and have come back for Christmas. I think she should have stepped back for the day and allowed your dad to take the lead but it seems as though she really inserted herself.

I think if I was with an widower, I would be extremley conscious of the children and adult children...and would do anything not to appear as though I was crossing boundaries. Esp at Christmas which is when grief surfaces.

People won't agree with me here but something in my gut would tell me something is off...she might not be aware of how she is coming across.

It's hard, even if you know logically that your dad has every right to move on.
And you will have to get used to the fact that he is sharing his bedroom with someone else, and so you shouldn't be in there, if that's where you saw your Mum's dressing table with the ladyfriend's jewellery on it.
Seeing her cook with your mum's pans etc juxtaposed next to the fact that your Mum is gone is bound to make you remember your Mum. All you can really do is to allow yourself to feel that, and then deliberately move on, remind yourself that you are pleased that Dad isn't by himself anymore. Your Mum sounds like she was a fab woman, and hopefully your Dad has picked another good person.

I think there may be an element of you subconsciously thinking that after 13yrs he likely wouldn't find anyone or be looking, that it would have happened sooner than this.

It was 12yrs ago. Be happy your dad has met someone

I was widowed 3yrs before my dad and god it was lonely. Every one else’s lives went on and so they should - but going back to an empty house after being out was hard

I would love my dad to meet someone. As a companion or lover - he has friends. Keeps his self busy but it is not the same as coming home and spending every evening by self

your dad was widowed late 60’s / thats still so young

would you feel happier if he sold up and moved and brought a diff house ?

I do get it must be strange seeing a lady use her stuff - maybe your dad needs to buy a new kettle plates etc

but in the long run this is a good thing and will make your dad happy and not be alone

I would say just try and change your thought process.
Your Mum sounds like she was a lovely kind lady and would surely have wanted your Dad to be happy in what’s left of his life, so would she not be happy for him that he had found someone else to be happy with? It takes nothing away from what they had together.
When my own husband was dying many years ago he told me that he hoped I would find someone else special in the future to have fun with and not to feel guilty.
Surely if you truly love someone you would want them to be happy after you’ve gone?
Be happy for your Dad -I’m sure your Mum would be.

You're quoting me, so...

OP is an adult. She has her own life and is getting upset because her dad has his girlfriend, yes girlfriend, not 'friend' or 'companion', over to stay. Her mum died 12 years ago. I know very well that grief never fully goes away (I was widowed young), but something's wrong when you're getting so upset by somebody making a cup of tea in your dad's house after so long.

She came here to ask if she was being unreasonable, and my opinion is that she is.

Where has she criticised??

I don't understand the unreasonable vote tbh. You are not unreasonable to feel this way, and you haven't said anything horrible about this woman. Just try to think she's making your dad happy and your mum wouldn't want him to be unhappy (I presume)

You aren't alone, I have the same issue.

OP it's very clear from your post that it's your feelings you're talking about and not the situation - despite what those who clearly have no reading comprehension are trying to imply🙄
I was raised by my grandparents and my amazing, wonderful, best in the whole world Grandad died nearly 5 yrs ago.
My Nana now has a friend/companion that she has been seeing for about 5/6 months and while he's a lovely man, I too find it hard being around them and seeing them as a couple as I just keep thinking "That should be Grandad, he should be here, not you"!!!
He was sitting in his chair when we called in before Christmas and I found it really hard not to say "Oi, get the fuck out of my Grandads chair"😂 but of course I didn't.
We host Christmas and when I asked my Nana would he be coming she was a bit stunned and said no, that it was way to soon to be including him into such a wider family occasion - I absolutely would have welcomed him in for her sake but was also relieved at the same time that he wasn't coming.
He spent the day with his own children and grandchildren but did come over to ours in the evening.
I will never say or do anything to upset or make her feel bad or awkward (or him for that matter) as you won't with your Dad, so long as she is, and he makes her, happy, that's all I need - still won't change how I feel.

@Skybluepinky was that really necessary?

Is this the first proper partner he’s had since your mum died, or at least the first one that seems to be living the life your mum should’ve had?

It can be quite jarring to see someone else in the place of your loved one. In your head and heart it’s still, mum’s house/kitchen/plates/bed/dressing table so the juxtaposition of someone else using them can bea mindfuck and hurtful even if you know it’s completely unreasonable. There can be feelings of guilt and misplaced loyalty too.

Would you have liked all the contents of the house slung out including your mum's dressing table off to the dump ?
I'm guessing not .
I don't have either of my parents alive , and other than a few bits from their home , everything had to go .
Be happy that your dad has a lady friend and a companion as I'm sure you would rather him and the house contents to have life going on around him / them .

Feelings don't always operate in the confines of chronological time.