Struggling with Dad’s new friend.

I understand, and feel sad for you, OP. However, you don't live in that house. You picture it with your Mum in in, and your Mum using her crockery, cooking in the kitchen etc. Your dDad has has 12 years of living there on his own - he might feel it more as HIS home, and HIS crockery. He might have felt really lonely and sad that there was no need to use the best dishes (since he was eating a solitary meal). He might really love that another woman is gracing it with her presence, and getting out the things that your Mum valued.

It doesn't lessen the love that he had for your dMum.

I have a neighbour in the same situation. He (in his 80's) has a new partner, but last week he still cried on the anniversary of his deceased wife's birthday. His love remains strong, and he also has joy and love from his new friend.

You're feelings are valid but you are being unreasonable to be honest your dad has been alone for a long time he's in his older age now and should have some happiness you need to try and move past this yes it'll hurt seeing the new women in his life touching using your mother's items but I'm sure your mum would want your dad to be happy after being alone for so long

I think part of growing up is seeing your parents as separate people with their own lives; but I totally feel for you when you say that you of course miss your mum so much and this companion really highlights that gap and your loss.

The other way of looking at it is that your dad lets you into the day to day aspects of his life and that is to be treasured. It might sound something normal and natural but not all families have that. What I mean is your bond and love for your dad is still there all the same and he is not hiding any aspect of his life, even though it is different now. I do think that matters as well.

It is also okay to have two or more competing emotions at the same time. You don’t need to reconcile them, it is possible to have space for different feelings and that is okay.

My mum was without my Dad for 28 years when she died ( he died quite young ) she didn't even as much go for a coffee with another man and carried on living by herself in the same house.
It would have been strange for me for her to have another man about , but I'm sad she never tried to date anyone .

Ive also changed my vote to YANBU as you sound like you're having a normal emotional reaction, just as long as you don't let on to your dad.

I think your feelings are valid. I also imagine you feel torn in two also. One part wants to see your dad happy but the other part of you misses your mum. Also remember you saw your mum a lot longer in this house than the new partner. It's going to feel strange for a long while.

Very gently, yes YABU. It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, but you need to work through them for your dad’s sake.

I'm sorry about your mum.

YANBU to find it hard. You would be unreasonable if you expected your dad to see her less or not have her over to accommodate your feelings. I'm not sure if you're suggesting that he should do that, if you're just finding the feelings hard that's normal and understandable.

I have voted YABU, because while you can't help how you feel, it was 12/13 years ago and instead of doing your best to put those feelings aside, your overriding feelings should be those of happiness that your DF has found a companion in his later years. Instead it is bothering you enough to post here.

So many elderly people can be very lonely - even if they children who see them regularly. It's not the same as having someone of your own age to enjoy things with.

I think that the time that has passed until your dad has found h to us companion is part of the problem.

My dad remarried within 3 years of my mum’s death. The big difference is my mum and dad were 45, and I was almost 23 when she died.

The thing I found hard was going back to mum and dad’s house. We’d lived there since I was 15, and her not being there was so hard. I was a little relieved when he sold the house and he and my step mum bought a house together, that had no connection with my mum. Much of their furniture was my step mum’s too, as her dad had been a carpenter. BUT, on their wedding day, almost 4 years after my mum died, I was still in the ladies’ toilets sobbing on my dad’s sister’s shoulder (my husband was abroad serving with the RAF.)

In the end, as a PP said, your feelings are your feelings and no one else can see them, it’s your behaviour that counts right now. Your dad clearly likes this lady, but even if she’s only around for another 6 months and then decide to split up, it’s okay. Your dad deserves to have friends and even a little bit of love.

You will acclimatise, I promise.

Edited to add: My dad and stepmum have been married almost 25 years now. They are very happy, and I’m happy for them

then i assume you can also understand the conflicting emotions of wanting your dad to be happy but also feeling the pain of your mum being replaced. it’s possible to feel both these things at the same time

She is happy for him as she said in her OP. That doesn’t mean that she can’t find also find it painful at times, seeing another woman in her Mother’s former home, using the same items that she did.

People want companionship and company. Unless you are prepared to step up and see him 5 times a week to make sure he isnt lonely then he will find company elsewhere, and with that then comes a want to spend holidays together.

Let your Dad enjoy life. Until you’ve lost your 24/7 person you have no idea of what it feels like. 😉

My mum died when I was a kid, my dad remarried a few years later. Initially I was upset, but I did come to understand that life has to go on. He deserved happiness, when I left home a few years later, I was glad that he had companionship, that he was loved that he wasn't lonely sitting in the house by himself. When he died my stepmother put on his grave, ' In memory of a fond and affectionate husband and father'. My mum my dad and my stepmother are all buried together. He's with the 2 women who loved him.
I'm telling you this because if she is good and loving and good for him, then that is what matters. Some people don't remarry or have another relationship, some do. If he's happy try to be happy for him.

@first2025

those saying ‘but it’s been 13 years’ obviously haven’t lost theirs

Actually, I have. My dad was never the same after my mum died, and I would have given anything for him to find someone else, before he died.

I get it might be hard for you, but how lovely that your dad has found a partner. Loneliness is the last thing you’d want for him.

And no, you are not unreasonable, OP. It’s natural that you find these things painful even if you are simultaneously pleased that he has a companion.

I find that it’s often the other way about. That because the parent is happy with their new partner they expect their children(Adult or not) to be happy about it too, or at least comfortable with it, you see the same with stepfamilies too, forgetting that they can get a new husband/wife/partner but that the relationship their child had with their Mother or Father is truly irreplaceable and ignoring how incredibly painful it can be to see someone taking their place. Their needs are met and they don’t really care about how their children feel about it.

I’ve seen that situation a few times in my extended family and in one in particularly the new partner arrogantly took over the house and tried to act as though it’d always been his and was totally dismissive of the trauma my 4 cousins had suffered. An attempt at sensitivity and understanding of how painful it is for the children of the deceased may have helped considerably but he made it pretty clear that he didn’t give a toss about what they’d just suffered.

My father didn’t have the decency to wait 13 days let alone 13 years. I have felt all the feelings - I tried to be welcoming to the woman he was clearly involved with before my mother died but she decided that we were surplus to her plans for her new family and she encouraged my father to drop us. As long as she’s kind and respectful try and embrace it. Chances are if you didn’t you will lose your dad.

Your feelings are totally valid and expected, it will ease with time as these things do ☺️

She doesn't live in the home though.

I'm sure Op would have just turned on the kettle herself, but the vibe I'm getting was that this woman acted as though she was woman of the house. Which can come across as intrusive...whether that was the intent or not.

And it has nothing to do with being a woman. I would feel uncomfortable if a man started acting like that in my deceased dad's space whilst we, his adult children, were there.

Op, you are doing nothing wrong by feeling this way. Its ok to let these feeling come to the surface. I dont agree with posters essentially telling you to suppress your emotions and get over it. You're not wrong to feel this way.

Of course it’s going to be hard for you and will take a while to adjust, but his wife passed away 12 years ago. He has one life. He deserves to be happy.

You are not unreasonable to feel like this inside at all. But outwardly you need to support your dad.
my in laws were ridiculous about grandad (their dad) starting a new relationship when their mum died. They were both widowed and actually grandad was going downhill v fast. He lost stones in weight and a manageable health condition he has flared like mad. I think he would have died on his own. Instead they got 19 years so far of him having a pretty decent life.

Its fine to feel like that, just dont let it spoil your happiness for your dad - who clearly sounds like he can pick good uns. Both your lovely mum and this lady whos making a good effort with you all