BIL

Yes very much so
He's 61 would you believe and been single since his divorce over 20 years ago

Yes exactly that.
MIL passed away before I met DH. But she was very very traditional, the girls did the housework, the boys worked.
And the SILs have kept that to a certain extent, except they all also have full time jobs. So they're doing the housework, cooking, shopping etc and working, whilst their DHs do sweet FA.
In our house, it's a different dynamic, I'm from a different generation to them (age gap) and we share responsibility. When we cooked Christmas lunch, we had our bits to do and it made life easier as we co-run our business. And despite his comments to DD, she and DS very much pitch in, whilst doing school work as well. They know our hours are long and both are self sufficient (which I'm proud of) they do the shopping and chores without being pushed into it.
He won't change because he's been pandered to. It's not his fault he is divorced, it's the ex-wife at fault. They didn't like her either.
I just don't want to cause a huge, ongoing, situation with the 3 DSils. They are genuinely bullies and I avoid them at all costs and have done for years. They're rude, obnoxious and if you dare to disagree, well, you won't hear the end of it.
I prefer to keep our of it.
And yes, that may make me seem weak to some on this thread, but trust me, it's self preservation and not wanting to make an already awkward relationship worse.
I used to speak up and drown realised it was utterly futile and pointless. And it's not just me, it's the incoming partners and wives of the siblings and even the nieces and nephews.
They are a pain in the arse.

Oh and yes, DH has promised me more wine. He has said he is going to tell him to go home today and why. He will also be telling the elder SIL we won't be hosting again because he's been utterly useless this year, worse than ever.

Trust me it's very much not my choice and DHs family cause us 90% of any disagreements we ever have or have had in the 30 years of our being together.
They're a big Irish family and apparently family is very important. Despite this belief, and then voicing such, it's only important when their Christmas isn't fucked up by their DB. The whole lot I would not care a jot of we saw them again. They're rude, opinionated and I find for my sanity it's best to shut it and let DH deal with it. They actually openly told DH he shouldn't have married me when he invited them to our 30th anniversary this summer and that was why they wouldn't attend. They really are arseholes.
But DH although he knows they're twats says they are his family and he's resigned to it. I do get it. Mine are all gone and we were very non-commital before that.
DD did tell him. She is feisty and will always speak up. Literally told him to fuck off as he's a lazy twat who sat there while everyone else ran around.

If he was that age (and obviously a penis owner) my mum would probably totally excuse his behaviour. Of course if he was female he'd be expected to have tidied the house from top to bottom, helped every day with cooking and cleaning and bought loads of gifts. 🙄

I pointed out her double standards and she admitted she expects much more of women than she does of men!?

I'm also from a large Irish family and whenever any of them come to stay I actually end up with less to do, as everyone just pitches in.

I give you a young whippersnapper relative staying with his parents who has refused to let them watch their TV programmes as not culturally superior enough. When he leaves they shall binge watch their Christmas TV.

My DH's family are a huge Irish family too, and family is important to them as well. None of them would behave like this, not even the weird alcoholic one. And if they did, they would very firmly be told to sort themselves out by one of the matriarchs.
They are behaving this way because they are assholes. Even the assholes know asshole DB is an asshole. Cut him out. You will lose nothing but an asshole and potentially more assholes. Bonus.

Trust me it's very much not my choice and DHs family cause us 90% of any disagreements we ever have or have had in the 30 years of our being together.
They're a big Irish family and apparently family is very important. Despite this belief, and then voicing such, it's only important when their Christmas isn't fucked up by their DB. The whole lot I would not care a jot of we saw them again. They're rude, opinionated and I find for my sanity it's best to shut it and let DH deal with it. They actually openly told DH he shouldn't have married me when he invited them to our 30th anniversary this summer and that was why they wouldn't attend. They really are arseholes.
But DH although he knows they're twats says they are his family and he's resigned to it. I do get it. Mine are all gone and we were very non-commital before that.
DD did tell him. She is feisty and will always speak up. Literally told him to fuck off as he's a lazy twat who sat there while everyone else ran around.

As always, so much of this could be solved with adults using their words.

If no-one's willing to do that, nothing will ever change.

So you've plenty more Christmases like this to look forward to 🤷‍♂️

I said, it's our turn.
And DH doesn't like the idea that the rest of the family would leave him alone all Christmas if he doesn't come to us.
I would rather not and not would DD who will be telling DH exactly how pissed off she is later as well.

Trust me it's very much not my choice and DHs family cause us 90% of any disagreements we ever have or have had in the 30 years of our being together.
They're a big Irish family and apparently family is very important. Despite this belief, and then voicing such, it's only important when their Christmas isn't fucked up by their DB. The whole lot I would not care a jot of we saw them again. They're rude, opinionated and I find for my sanity it's best to shut it and let DH deal with it. They actually openly told DH he shouldn't have married me when he invited them to our 30th anniversary this summer and that was why they wouldn't attend. They really are arseholes.
But DH although he knows they're twats says they are his family and he's resigned to it. I do get it. Mine are all gone and we were very non-commital before that.
DD did tell him. She is feisty and will always speak up. Literally told him to fuck off as he's a lazy twat who sat there while everyone else ran around.

I said, it's our turn.
And DH doesn't like the idea that the rest of the family would leave him alone all Christmas if he doesn't come to us.
I would rather not and not would DD who will be telling DH exactly how pissed off she is later as well.