To be sad they wouldn't tell me directly about the death?

But your mother clearly wasn’t going to tell them! You had the option of them being told by you and not being told at all, apparently.

I have read the thread properly and I haven't misunderstood anything. There was no reason for you not to tell your siblings. You were upset that you hadn't been told and you chose not to tell them, knowing that this too could upset them as there's now an even bigger share of the family keeping things from them. I don't agree with you that it wasn't your place to tell them. I think you made a poor choice in not telling them. This is not me being inaccurate or misguided, it's an opinion. Which you ask for when you start a thread.

Your take on this strikes me as far odder than your mother’s. It’s deeply strange that you didn’t mention that her experience of death has most often been the murder of family members, and that she’s a refugee — of course that’s going to have an impact on how she experiences an ordinary ‘expected’ death. It may not suit your experience of what’s ‘normal’. It’s not clear why you didn’t tell your siblings when you thought it ‘wasn’t your place’.

I think it's odd that your mother didn't tell you, but she has lost her sister, so allowances can be made

I think it's even more bizarre that you're complaining about not being told, but you made the choice not to tell your own siblings! Surely if you're upset at not knowing, you could see that your siblings would feel the same, and they now know there's even more people that chose to keep it quiet! I honestly don't understand your thinking here. It's astounding hypocrisy.

I have a family member who was traumatised by a death and he can’t go to any funerals at all and missed his own brother’s for that reason.

I think that if you’ve experienced the mass murder of family members, that it’s certainly likely to have an impact on how you experience the peaceful, expected death in comparative old age of a family member.

I think the trauma is the clue here OP. My grandparents fled a mass murdering country but they did not want to talk about what happened and they didn’t want us to talk about it either. They never wanted to go back. Not even in their minds.

There sounds as if there’s a huge backstory here. Not attending your sister’s funeral or telling any of her nieces/nephews of her death sounds insanely dysfunctional.

Id concentrate on your cousins. Presumably if it’s a culture that does funerals this quickly there is some sort of provision in the cultural ‘rules’ for people who can’t get there in time? I’d go and see them, or at the very least phone them and write a card.

My mum dealt with her husband's death in much the same way. I think she believed that she only had to do what she felt was necessary and shouldn't need to think of anyone else. Which is fair in the circumstances but offers to arrange anything or tell extended family were refused. She said she'd do it. She never did. Lots of missed opportunities for closure in my opinion as the bare minimum was done. I think grief can affect people in some really strange ways.

Dear OP, I won’t comment on your mum’s reaction as there’s clearly a lot going on there, but the way you were told, and the complete lack of notice meaning you couldn’t possibly attend the funeral, is incredibly poor form.

I’ve been in a similar position. I found out my brother had died 3 years after the fact. When I started telling people, I discovered they’d all known long before me. I’m the scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family, and his death was tied up in a long history of trauma that continues to be brushed aside or minimised. What still stings is that my other brother and his wife, who both called themselves “etiquette coaches”, running actual etiquette lessons, never contacted me at all. Part of my brother’s ashes were scattered on our mum’s grave with no acknowledgement of him being there. I’ve since rectified this.

I’m so sorry for your loss. When families handle things this badly, it adds another layer of hurt on top of the grief. But focusing too much on their ineptitude can get in the way of processing your own feelings. Even though you couldn’t attend the funeral, there are still meaningful ways to honour your aunt. Speaking openly with her children/your cousins might help you feel more connected to her and give you some of the closure you were denied.

I really hope you find a way through this that brings you some peace.

But he could have asked your mother?

My mum can't travel at the moment due to some treatment she's been having. Could this be something your mum is going through, and her behaviour reflective of not wanting to share her own health issues with you?

Exactly. Plus your dad could presumably have told you about funeral arrangements? Also, isn’t it possibly your siblings blame you for not passing on the news of your aunt’s death? You had your reasons, but those won’t necessarily compute with them.

Could you speak to her and ask her how she would feel if you did that to one of your siblings. Just didn’t bother attending and say they are dead!