Brother has said he will stop contact between his kids and my stepdaughter over Christmas invite

Like others, I thought this was about inheritance. But when you say DH has a different religion and is not from this country, and obviously DSD is his child - is there a chance your brother has been sort of radicalized? This REALLY smacks of suddenly deciding that someone else is lesser for some reason, and I would immediately wonder about possible racism (perhaps it’s garden-variety religious intolerance). You don’t have to say what your DH is, as this can happen either way - he might be Jewish, and your DB is becoming antisemitic, or he coukd be Muslim and your DB is becoming some kind of piece of shite Proud Boy or whatever they’re called. It doesn’t really matter; your DB cannot possibly have any excuse for hurtfully excluding such a young child. But saying she can’t be around her cousins really strongly sounds he’s formed the opinion, maybe with some help from online sources, that your DH and DSD are “bad” in some way, perhaps the “bad type of immigrants” (read: not white), whereas even if you and your family are immigrants from Italy, it’s okay because you’re white. It’s both sad and disgusting if this is what your DB has become; I’m mentioning it so you can prepare yourself, OP, just in case.

I thought racist too. Is he a reformer and did your DH come as an asylum seeker.

How old are nieces? Have they expressed any jealousy about DSD to him or about attention your mum gives? I think if anything this is the reason. Dreadful. I’d behaving stern words with him

I am intrigued. A possible misunderstanding about an affair is unacceptably fictitious but him being racist, worrying about inheritance/gifts etc are fact? The whole thread is speculation because we don't know these people. The vast majority of MN is speculation, we remove the speculation and there isn't much left.

The affair comment is total fiction, not the actual thread!

I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to ‘discuss’ this with you. There’s no justification for it. If you managed to reach some compromise then you’d know your DSD was always some weird compromise. Fuck that. I wouldn’t speak to him again.

Like PP I'd guess he's a racist - he's already shown himself to be prejudiced with his dislike of your husband just for being of a different religion. A couple of civil conversations disguised it but obviously didn't change his mind. Depending what online rabbit holes he's gone down, a vague prejudice can morph into racist ideology very quickly these days.

The weird emphasis on "full blood family" also has an echo of racist rhetoric as well.

I wonder what your agenda is in saying this?
If you think like this, why are you even reading it or commenting?

Wow, he sounds grim. Is your DH also a different race as well as religion? I’m wondering if your brother has been swept in by the flag bearers…

Either way, I’m happy you and your parents have accepted DSD as part of the pack and that she is loved and wanted. Screw your brother, he can stay away. Who on earth treats any child this way? What if you had adopted a child, would he feel this way as well? He’s awful.

Oh I agree with you and I did say how horrible it was in my original message.

What a horrible thing to say and stand by. You cannot allow him to dictate anything. Sounds like he’s trying to test which set of grandchildren are more important to your parents. He actually believes your parents would prefer his over yours, because you only have one by blood! Some kind of jealousy there for sure. I’d ignore him and carry on as you are. Offering to meet him to discuss it sounds like a good plan. Try and get to the bottom of it, keep asking why he’s changed his attitude and why now?! Did he used to get expensive presents for his children, now yours and his get the same?! Talk to him. If you cannot get to the bottom of it because he avoids you, then just ignore him.

Your DSD is your daughter in all the ways that matter. She’s part of your family, so of course she should be invited to family events.

I’d have a chat with your SIL, but if she agrees with him, I’d let them flounce around and get on with it.

Your parents sound great. 👍

I think this - jealousy. DSD is pretty much the same age as his youngest and now there is a baby on the way. The dynamic in the family will shift. And the extra attention your parents gave to his family will now go to you.

And maybe racism. Italy is a Western country, Italians don’t experience racism in the West. But others do.

Even if that were true taking it out on an innocent 5 year old would be beyond weird.

The OP mentioned that her brother's behaviour had changed recently towards both her DSD and her DH and I was just wondering whether the DB had misheard or seen something out of context etc that might mean that he suspects the DH of an affair (or other behaviour that may lead to family breakup) and was distancing the DH and DSD from the family. It is pure speculation based on the OP mentioning that this is new behaviour.

I'm so sorry it's turned out that your brother is a cunt, @Mollymaynot .I'm so glad your parents are being supportive. I am certain your brother will have other controlling tendencies. You sound like an absolutely lovely mum to your DSD. I would be wary of speaking with your brother. He obviously has issues and I don't think you should validate his stupid behaviour.

It's just total fiction. People make up the weirdest scenarios on Mumsnet!

I do admire you for not telling your husband about this. It is the best approach but I don't underestimate how hard that must be for you. I would approach this in a calm way telling him that since you and your family (including your step daughter) have been invited to the meal at your parents house and you've accepted then you absolutely no intention of doing anything other than attend it. He may consider your step daughter "non blood" but you don't. He can decide if he attends or not, that's on him and his wife. I would then clearly tell him that your step daughter is part of your life and that's an end to it. It's up to him how he handles it going forward but you really hope that the good relationship between you, your sister in law and his kids can continue. Then end the conversation.

Your brother is being so bold that I wonder whether your parents are not being as honest with you about your stepdaughter as you think? Might they have expressed reservations about your husband/stepdaughter to your brother - you know them so you know if that is likely? If that is a possibility, then they clearly don't want to fall out about it though so I would be clear with them too that the step daughter is part of your family and everyone needs to accept that.

He sounds a nasty piece of work and i would not be giving him head room.

Well done OP for ‘fighting your DSD corner’ ! Your DB sounds like a complete twat! Who gets the right to dictate which children see one another during a family Christmas?? What an arse!

Is it possible one of his girls has said something to set this all off? Normal response would be for him to reassure them of course not be a dick to his family...

Another one voting for this being financially-inheritance motivated. It seems that he’s been used to being the only one with children for a good while - now there are two ‘rivals’…

This is ridiculous , and if you really think about it everyone who has a partner is bringing a " non blood " ( his words ) person along . You could complain about his wife , what is she to you . You don't know her other than his partner , you live with your dsd and love her , so you love your brother's partner / wife ? I'm thinking no .

It’s just about inheritance, no more or less. Protecting what he feels he’s entitled to. That it won’t make a difference to him is a detail because most people don’t understand how it works anyway.

Is your DSD the same religion as your DH? Could the reason he's being so nasty about your DSD be religious bigotry at least in part? Not that it makes a difference really, whatever the reason is his behaviour is disgusting.