Horror at sons "special" christmas present?

What does hitting the roof achieve? Nothing. Deep breath, ask how they feel about it, calm talk about the practicalities.

If you are in the right sort of job, you absolutely are free. After I graduated I was offered jobs all over the world. I chose to go where I wanted without reference to anyone else. I spent a year in the states, plus shorter term placements in Argentina, South Africa and Hong Kong. Excited adventures but also great for my career. None of these would have been possible with kids in tow.

This is in addition to the gap year I had in which I worked my way around the world to fund it and the student work experience placements I had in Africa and Asia (also not possible with DC)

Like the PP, I was aware of how much a baby would curtail my plans and according made very sure that no unplanned pregnancies occurred. Everyone wants different things in life but it’s ridiculous to suggest that babies don’t limit your freedom in some ways.

I had my babies in my 30s by which time I was a high earner with financial security and a supportive DH but I still find myself having to turn down opportunities for the sake of the DC.

I’d be very disappointed aswell tbh if son had a baby with someone who he’d only net six months ago; and if they were still students. How does he plan on supporting her & baby??? Practically I mean - with money, food, housing.. I’d be very concerned about that. I also think it’s rather naive to have a baby with someone who doesn’t have the same residency rights / and you’re not married. Does he understand she may well leave and he may not be able to follow? also from her POV if she stays and father is in baby’s life, she may well not be able to leave the UK either (depending on visa and parental rights etc). A rather foolish thing to do all round without some planning.

In my family if this happened my parents would’ve hit the roof. He obviously thinks it’s acceptable/ an ok thing to do…

I don’t think it’s fair to say that the way he’s told his mum is due to flaws in his upbringing. Not even sure if I agree with PPs calling it immature. People in their 20s have grown up with social media and movies - it’s a heavily romanticised way of ‘breaking happy news’. I’ve seen countless videos online of couples gifting pregnancy tests / baby grows to their parents as an announcement. Just because older generations haven’t done that, doesn’t automatically make it wrong. He made a wrong assumption that his mother would be happy for him, excited to have a grandchild and support him. It’s kind of sad really.

It sounds like this woman may qualify as a skilled immigrant all on her own, anyway.

Regardless, if it were my daughter, I'd be encouraging her to think long and hard about where she wants her future to be. Give birth in the UK, she may be stuck there, not able to remove the child. I'd be telling her that if she wanted to raise the child in South Korea or live there longer term, she better come back before the baby is born.

You have no idea what this poster did herself that resulted in a teenage pregnancy!

Or why she may not want a stranger, a 25 year old man and a baby to come and live with her.

The method of announcement and the timing of the request for accommodation have the hallmarks of a manipulative bully.

The OP has hard choices to make about her future relations with her son and grandchild. I don't envy her.

Please be kind to your son, I’m getting a whiff of something weird about your focusing on her nationality.

I'm assuming he probably thought his mother would be pleased. Mistakenly.

Here we go with the foreign girls trapping young men for visas business again. Just as likely that OP's son has found a way to force a leave from the UK.

Of course what’s done is done. And the OP needs to accept it. But she doesn’t need to pretend to be thrilled about it either. And what’s gone wrong with the DS’s upbringing that he thinks presenting his mum with a positive pregnancy test at Christmas was the way to go?

Possibly the OP has younger children and there might be a lesson to learn that could prevent this happening again.

No-one is free to do what they want, when they want. That's just life (except for the few independently wealthy).

I obtained three degrees because I wanted to. Granted, the last two were part-time because my children came first.

Travel was a matter of luck really, and opportunities that came up. Obviously fitted around other commitments.

When babies come, things work out. They just do. There's no other choice. The part about this scenario that would concern me is that the son's child may be raised in another country to that which he lives in.

I was with you up until you said you were only 38. Your son is 20. What right do you have to judge him for doing something you did yourself, two years younger? It's incredibly hypocritical.

This is pretty naive. I don’t know how you managed to travel the world and obtain 3 degrees while having babies but for most people it would be impossible for both practical and financial reasons.

Apart from anything else, a young couple who barely know each are likely to end up separated once the pressure of a baby is added to the mix - at which point you really do end up quite stuck because for one parent to travel with the baby for months / years or move to another country would be detrimental to the relationship with the other parent.

And then the child grows up and starts school and makes friends and it becomes unfair to be make them live a transient life just for fun.

I love taking my children on holidays now and showing them all of our favourite places, but it’s in no way the same as being free to travel and work wherever and whenever I want.

Not really as there's going to be visas involved. With no income £85,000 (in savings for a set period of time) is required to sponsor a spouse. It's been awhile for me, but I believe the amount goes down in proportion to your income. OP I would be really concerned about their plans going forward - how is she planning to stay in the UK. The process is not easy and just having a baby is not enough.

Luckily, Korea is a signatory to the Hague convention.

I think it's fair enough you don't want to house them, but don't withdraw all support from your son because this has the potential to turn into a real mess and he's going to need you.

You don’t get buyers remorse on a child. It’s done. It’s how you choose to move forward from that that matters. Could the circumstances be better? Absolutely. Could we question her motives - possibly (we don’t know her, neither does OP!). But there’s a baby coming, so let’s not forget that.

Why did your ds give you the pregnancy test as a present? That is seriously disturbed behaviour. Was it because he was trying to stop you having an authentic reaction to it and force you to be polite in front of everyone. I would be furious and definitely speak to him privately about that to let him now that behaviour like that is not acceptable. In respect of the pregnancy it is his problem, not yours. If he wants advice about options you can give it. But of course they can't move in if you don't want them to. He needs to grow up fast. You are not being unreasonable at all. He sounds too immature to be a father frankly.

I'm not so sure she's a "poor girl." She's 26 and living in a country that has free contraception. It fails but they could have used two methods. Also, she has the option of a free termination. It's quite possible that this baby is an anchor baby. I'm also wondering if the age gap is by coincidence or by design on her part.

His age is the least of the problems. What about the fact that he has only been with this woman 6 months, they don’t live together, they barely know each other. They are both students and don’t even have the ability to bankroll their own lives, never mind a child’s. As demonstrated by the fact that he is asking if they can live with the OP. There is nothing good about brining a baby into this situation. And yet clearly the OP has somehow managed to raise her DS to believe that she would be pleased about all this. I think she probably needs to reflect a little on that.

Yes, this. With bells on. Poor girl.

Going out on a limb here but this does sound like someone who doesn't want to leave the UK in September so has found a way of getting permanent residency here (whatever the legalities are we are not exactly great at deporting people are we).

She's obviously switched on enough to be doing an MSc so I'm sure she knows how contraception works. Plus most 26 year old women would find a 20 year old boy to be very immature and therefore wouldn't be dating them.

Unfortunately your son has been very naive. He should finish his degree and financially support the child of course but I think he needs to see this relationship for what it is. I would also get a paternity test when the baby was born.

Actually they do

Being a single mother of a half Korean child in Korea would be horrific.

Korean parents pour all their resources into securing their children's future. The education system sees very young children in grind schools preparing for an exam they take at 18 that will determine the entire course of their lives. This young woman must have had enormous resources spent on her in order to get to university in the UK; her parents will have the reaction of the OP on steroids to the news. They will consider this an unmitigated disaster.

I'd see it as a much needed reality check for him.

That is hugely ignorant, like all stereotypes.

Single mothers in Korea are so harshly treated and looked down upon that there are pressure groups set up to fight the negative perceptions that are deeply ingrained.

Marrying a foreigner in the circumstances in which this couple find themselves would not make things better for them in Korea either.

Yes, you can't just move to the UK even if he marry her.