Nothing from teens

Of course they should get you a little gift. I was buying Christmas presents from a young age out of my pocket money. I guess some were quite different as I didn’t have a lot of money I also made some probably not very well. I was never given money to buy presents.

There are loads of threads on here where people are fed up of being bought tat and fed up of having to reciprocate. Life is expensive and most of us don't need more stuff cluttering up our homes. Should we really be burdening the next generation with more of this pointless exchange of presents just for the sake of it? Spending money on crap we don't need to give to people who don't want it? There are so many other ways to show someone you love and appreciate them.

🤣

I think setting up an expectation before Christmas is helpful so ‘I’m hoping one of you will get me some nice smellies for Christmas’ or ‘have you been Christmas shopping yet? What are you getting for dad?’ Just opens up the conversation and shows you expect they will be buying loved ones gifts.

Gift buying is a love language and an important way of showing you love and care about someone. It’s also about generosity, thoughtfulness and imo an important skill to teach your kids.

Did they get presents for each other? Or for friends?

since my kids were 2 and 4 I’ve taken each out separately and bought them a present to give to each other.

my partner also takes usually my eldest out and they choose something for me together.

I think the act of gift giving important and I’d be devastated if my kids were this thoughtless / selfish as teens. But I do think if there was a chance they’d forget your partner should have stepped in. Is he equally thoughtless?

So if it’s “greedy and selfish” for a mum to expect a modest thoughtful gift is it not also “greedy and selfish” for teens to get / expect gifts from you? Present getting is either greedy and selfish or it isn’t. Or are you saying mothers are just the non people perma giver class?

Op - just wanted to let you know that I have found the teen years the hardest by a million miles. I’m sorry they didn’t get you anything and I have no constructive advice on that but just letting you know that there are others who struggle with teens!

Although I don’t see it as pure greed! I do agree with you that it shouldn’t be expected to receive gifts from the kids.

I’d be asking them why they don’t do Christmas presents? And if going forward they’d like to stop Christmas presents, no point you getting them presents if it’s not something they want to participate in…

see what they want to do for next year? Also do check with them about birthday presents

its clearly a conversation that needs to be tackled and it might be best to do it all together

I suspect she probably did, but seeing as she organised absolutely everything else, perhaps she shouldn’t have.

Good point. In my family in the run up to Christmas we’d have various discussions asking what kind of things each other would like as presents. This includes my teenage children….

I don’t think that’s unusual as it was the same with my ex and my current partner’s families.

Didn’t you discuss presents at all? Didn’t you think it a bit odd if they never once asked you or your DH what you wanted?

I don’t get this. The OP isn’t talking about under-tens here; her kids are teenagers. How do you expect your children to learn about how to act in the world, and with their family, when they’re grown up? How are they expected to mature and understand that giving a gift to a loved one is a pleasure in itself?

Rather than the parent being selfish, I think not teaching your children how to think of others is the selfish thing! Not showing them how to think of others and enjoy giving gifts themselves is raising selfish and narcissistic children. What, do you think on their eighteenth birthday they’ll somehow switch into adult mode by magic? Teenagers have to learn these skills of thinking about others like anything else. IMO a pre-teen can make a handmade card and decoration/gift for parents or siblings. By older teenagers, they shouldn’t have to be reminded to get a small gift of sweets or a book or similar for their parents. Young teens might need reminding by the opposite parent to get something small (and be given a bit of extra money to do so). Nothing needs to be expensive — my 13 y o made an embroidered brooch from a kit for me, and got her dad some chocolate — it’s the thought that counts. It’s part of growing up and learning to be in a family; and if you aren’t showing your kids how to do this it’s poor parenting IMO.

You say they didn’t get anything for their dad either. In the run up to Christmas did you not speak to them about this, ask them what they are getting him etc? Or did you just assume they were doing it? At their ages I would’ve gone shopping with my mum, or at the very least discussed it with her. Christ I’m 36 now and still tell my mum what I’ve got my dad for his birthday and Christmas, in the run up. I’m guessing you kind of knew they didn’t get your husband a gift before Christmas Day came around, so imagine you weren’t really that surprised they didn’t get you anything either?
I can understand you’re hurt that they don’t think to do this themselves, but also do think teenagers may need chivvying a bit. Still rubbish of them though.

Perhaps a family discussion about expectations for Xmas and birthdays would be useful for all of you.
Some of my favourite possessions are small but thoughtful little gifts that the DC have bought me over the years that I will never part with.
If all 3 of them haven’t bought for either of you it appears it just isn’t in their consciousness. What does DH think?

@boredwfh I go above and beyond as well i was happy with an item from a charity shop. Amount doesn't equal love.

It is not greedy or selfish to expect your teenage children to make an effort to write you a card and pick out a small present!

I am going to get shelled for this, most probably, but, LOL, I love
your son!

My daughters have always been thoughtful and buy me something lovely but my son usually doesn’t bother or he’ll ask me what I want Christmas eve, same with birthdays.
He did give me a bottle of bubbly this year which was nice but the first proper present in 25 years.
He just doesn’t have a clue, he wrapped it in foil and masking tape but I was just grateful that he did something, after I said thank you he said it’s ok it was a tip from work I thought you’d like it and then proceeded to drink it himself.

It’s important that children value their mothers as people in their own right as well as their role in their life. This is where they learn the customs of gift giving, writing cards, spending time and making some effort. It doesn’t have to be extravagant but the consideration and thought are important.
Their dad should remind them. It doesn’t matter if they’re old enough, they’re still young enough to forget. I hope he reminds them on in your birthday and Mother’s Day.

As we see from the numerous threads on MN about how we all spent Christmas, the joy’s and the woe’s.

My DH, was not born in the UK, his DF forbade the celebration of Christmas, more quasi religion than formal, established religion. As a result he just doesn’t get it.

I am one of 8, and therefore our Christmas’s were family oriented and my DM cooked the most wonderful food. She prioritised fun over presents. We had presents and I remember them fondly (the toy sewing machine, the stand up 2 ft doll, I am laughing).

We made cards and presents for my mum, we didn’t get pocket money to buy presents. I was born in ‘66.

My DD (I am biased), is the kindest,
most thoughtful person I know. She was on the phone asking what she should buy for DH, her SF, we settled on some socks. He was delighted.

Mother’s Day and birthday, sometimes flowers, but on my
pin board in my office, I have a collection of the most beautiful cards.

For the record, not all non present giving children grow up to be socially and professionally inept. DS1 bought his girlfriend some lovely little gifts (which he showed me for approval!) and a card from his own earnings. He’s just switched on enough to recognise that teenage girls value a nice basket of STUFF from their boyfriends whereas slightly grumpy, no nonsense middle aged women like his mother prefer not to receive them thank you very much.

That’s terrible 😢 my dd has always bought me a gift at Christmas and for my birthday.

Have you told them you’re upset?

And to add, I bought my family presents out of my pocket money from a young age. So I do not understand how my DP’s children have never bothered in their lives & they earn their own money now.

whereas virtue signalling and kicking others when they're down, let alone insulting people for daring to do things differently to you is an indication of being a charming and selfless individual...?

They should want to recognise you and thank you, it shouldn't be anything to do with expectation. No (or very few) parents expect their DC to shower them with huge expensive gifts, but one or two thoughtful items indicates they are decent people who appreciate what others do for them.

Besides which it's completely irrelevant if you have told them not to get you stuff and OP hasn't...

I was pretty disappointed with my eldest 20 yr old SD who didn’t get her dad anything (he said her presence was enough but still..) and I got a £7.50 hand cream when i go so above and beyond doing Xmas Eve boxes, go all out on Xmas day & stocking fillers on top of what their dad gets them. I just thought the hand cream was so little thought & I was disgusted that she didn’t get her dad anything. I had to go and buy their dad a present for Father’s Day as neither of his daughters had bothered. It really bothers me tbh.