Nothing from teens

I wouldn't find this ok at all, but from a very early age, we have always made sure everyone in the family has a gift, there would be no giftless persons, we chat about presents and lists, and I give out some ideas to my mum, my children and so on for myself in return for my gifts. In other words, I act as if I'm getting a gift! I have never gone without a gift or treats on Mothers Day, birthdays or Christmas and I wouldn't expect to, it's part of reciprocal gift giving but you do have to model this and help children when young, If you make yourself a bit invisible and your husband doesn't step up, it won't happen and then you end up where you are now. Did you ask- what are you getting your Dad? What about your siblings? Don't worry about me, a token gift is fine (thereby establishing it's normal to gift!)

Isn't it embarrassing to be doing gift-opening with two people not getting gifts? We do it in turns and it would be awful if some people didn't get hardly any.

Jesus I make it very clear that I expect a thoughtful present (two teen DS) and DH pays them back. I am not doing any martyrdom like my mother did. I drop hints, I write lists and reminds them about three weeks before my birthday & Christmas.

I would be hopping mad. Hence all the reminders + DH reminds them too.

three line whip for birthday and next Christmas!

I can remember at 8/9/10 I definitely either made something (bookmark/bath salts/horrible cake/coconut ice) or bought something really cheap (woolworths!) for my parents/grandparents but likely not siblings or anyone else. I think my pocket money was pennies in 1975/6 so absolutely made an effort. 60 now. There is no excuse for not making a card. Mind you by 11 I could cook, make pastry, sausage rolls, decent cake, roast chicken etc

To me christmas is about the day, making the kids happy and just having a relaxing day off with the ones i love.i dont get presents until i visit family boxing day and i dont care , i dont give my children presents to recieve them no matter how old they are i do it because it makes them happy and if i dont get presents in return then its not the end of the world i can go and buy myself what i want its not a big deal to me

Not something I’d expect a teenager to do, different if they were in full time work. If you want something buy it yourself.

OMG. Never ever would I got away with that - EVER!! You need a serious stern blazing row with your whole family stipulating what is expected of them. And if not they obey. It will be world war 3.

My mother made it crystal clear that all birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas was never ever forgotten, no matter what. Even if I had exams, holidays, working 7 days a week & penniless.

I used to hand make presents for my mum and dad as well as bought gifts and I would be looking for things in the sales, and all year around.

Massive amounts of effort was put into making cards, and exactly the right bought card as I trawled around the shops. I spent hours on EBay looking for exactly the right gift to make my parents smile & be delighted.

I bought presents even when I was penniless, and even wrapped presents when I was working 3 jobs a week/100 hour working week.

I handmade birthday cakes, Christmas cakes, and put in VAST amounts of effort.

I was told to use Google reminders for birthdays, so nobody is forgotten.

Even if your kids have nothing, they can hand make a card even from rubbish in the recycling bin and 10 minutes of their time, colouring in.

You have allowed this fiasco to grow by not laying down the law.

Expect to be treated like dirt going forward. Just because you refuse to have screaming matches so your kids never ever forget their duties within the family.

good luck!

Quite right writers couldn’t agree more.

Thinking of others didn’t come naturally to dd1 but she now as a student buys small thoughtful gifts for us unprompted so we got there in the end. Dd2 naturally more giving so didn’t need teaching / prompting.

Many teens are like dd1 and not bad people but instinctively self absorbed. I am of the strong belief it’s part of a parents job to teach this. Not to do so is not great parenting you want to send a pleasant emotionally intelligent young person out into the world rather than a selfish git.

Mine was a bit meagre until twenties

It’s really heartening to hear things like this. I’m (sadly) child free, but had a big part In bringing up a nephew and niece. Both are now in their 40s, but always buy me birthday and Christmas gifts- love, thoughtfulness is about letting anyone who has played a big part in your life know you care about them. Value of gift is irrelevant, but the act of learning to embrace and return gratitude cannot be underestimated. This world is already filled with so many entitled people who feel that life “owes” them. The only way we will ever redress the balance of a lack of care in our society is by instilling gratitude in younger generations, starting with our children

It has taken a lot of nagging and chivvying but my 20 year old and 17 year old seems to have finally got the hang of giving. He didnt care a few years ago. 17 year old now says he prefers giving to receiving. His presents were bought and wrapped by end of october. He made his dad a lovely drawing in a frame. 20 year old bought all his presents about an hour before closing time last year but has been more organised and thoughtful since gping to university this year. .

Do they normally get you things?

I’d be more upset at my DH for not checking and promoting them.

I’m a single parent and my teen did get me things without anyone promoting them but I didn’t expect anything.

I think your DH needs to have a strong word on your behalf. They shouldn't get away with the sort of selfish behaviour that may well impact future relationships.

I got gifts from my teen Grandkids.. used their own money.. daughter single parent.. don't think she nudged them. Always been caring and thoughtful.
Maybe yours needed a nudge or some clues.
Maybe next year .

My students kids (early 20s) didn’t get me, or anyone else in the family, a present, and never have done. One has no money and the other one is not particularly interested in people. DH and I only got each other a couple of stocking bits. We’ve never been big on presents and no one gets much unless they need something or have a particular wish.

Yes, it’s normal for teenagers who aren’t aware of expectations to ignore everyone else’s needs around them.
I wouldn’t say anything to them, next year give them a nudge in November.

Your DH needed to sort this out with them. So he knew they were not giving you a present and didn't buy something they could give you or discuss this with them. He knew you would be disappointed. You chose your own present from him. What is going on here......

Rubbish. As we care for them, it's lovely that is reciprocated. It doesn't have to be expensive but it's heartwarming to know they think of you. One of my favourite presents this year was a set of books found in a charity shop by my son, I absolutely love them. Don't be such a self-righteous martyr.

@Writersblok haha I have just read your comment and then read you posted v similar. 100% agree. 👏👏👏👏

@Rosealea i don’t agree wit this comment at all. It’s not being greedy and selfish to accept gifts off your teenagers. Mine bought me little gifts this year as they are 16 and both working. It’s about being thoughtful and showing appreciation not about the cost. Teaching them how to treat others with kindness and compassion .

I disagree.

No, it’s not pure greed and selfishness, It’s teaching children to be caring, thoughtful compassionate beings who don’t treat their mum like a doormat, and entitled

I think if you took them shopping for aunties, grannies etc someone should have taken/ reminded them about you. I know they are old enough but you need to establish a clear pattern of behaviour.
Of course there are a lot of teens around who do this without reminding but it’s not relevant - yours clearly haven’t get this skill yet so need some help.
Next year do lists, have a conversation with them in advance and do shopping for relatives AND dad and then DH should take/ reminded them about his side of relatives/ you.
I think you not mentioning DH while you were shopping probably sent a wrong signal that you were buying only for outside of the immediate family.
Have they done presents for each other?

My teens enjoy giving presents at Christmas and other occasions (birthdays, mother's day).

DS16 struggles a bit more for ideas without prompting but DD14 likes to come up with her own ideas. I give them a list of ideas around the £10 mark for me (things I actually want). It's not about the value, it's about the gesture and thought and I don't want them spending loads on me, but I do want them to think about other people.

DS helped cook Christmas dinner this year, too. He usually cooks for mother's day and my birthday. He finds coming up with a menu and executing it easier than thinking of a physical gift, and I really appreciate the effort.

Making the special occasions nice for each other is something we've talked about as they were growing up. DS was invited to a party on DD's birthday this year but didn't go because it was her day. They bicker and squabble most of the time at the moment, but he prioritised her. I was quite surprised, actually!

I wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that every family member must have a present, no matter what. Even if it is plastic tat that will inevitably end up in landfill, that the receiver does not have space for and will end up either binned or in a plastic bag stuffed in a wardrobe, gathering dust with similar tat that was bought for them out of obligation.

Making children or teenagers scrape together the very little money they do have for the sake of an obligatory present that the receiver doesn't truly want and will never use is not conducive with reducing our carbon footprint. We should be teaching our children to save their money and focus on quality over quantity. I remember being a teenager and frantically trawling around the local shopping centre in order to buy about 14 family members Christmas presents. I could very seldom afford this, had no money left at the end and the presents I bought for family members was absolute tat as it was all I could afford. I don't think it is right to expect your teenager to be obligated to buy you cheap tat.

My immediate and extended family have all mutually agreed to stop all Christmas presents a few years ago. Christmas is now so much more laid back, I would even go as far as saying it is totally stress-free and nobody is in debt after Christmas. This year, we're away having some winter sun, last year it was my sister and parents, nobody minds, no drama and no expectations. Whoever is hosting will host, everyone brings food and drink and has a jolly old time.

If parents embodied this approach to Christmas at home and instilled the belief that Christmas is not all about material possessions, I do believe this would eliminate so much stress at this time of year.

Some of my most treasured presents are the little ornaments that my children bought for me when they were little. The fact they chose them and went and paid for them all by themselves and the excitement on their faces when I unwrapped them is one of the best feelings in the world. I feel sorry for you if you have never experienced that joy.