Anxiety - consultation cancelled due to kids noise

@Kardelen I think you were in a really difficult position- primarily of your husbands making. It seems that you are taking on all of the practical and mental burden at home as well as the financial load due to your husband’s anxiety. I really sympathise. However, your husband does have to take the decision that he wants to address his anxiety- actually address it, by himself. And that means him ( not you) holding responsibility for the appointments. He needs to check if Teams works and he needs to attend the appointment by himself. He can ask you to help him to write down some of the important things beforehand but having you beside him during the appointment means that the therapist’s attention is divided and that also that your husband isnt giving the session 100% as he is relying on you.

I know how hard it is to live with someone with mental illness. It’s essential that you implement boundaries otherwise you will lose yourself for his sake. Also - in order to treat anxiety the person has to challenge themselves and be uncomfortable.A lot of people are very comfortable with having anxiety - in your case you have taken away lots of work and responsibilities from your husband. Does he actually truthfully really want things to change?

It’s very difficult living in a flat and trying to get peace.

Its Sod’s Law that they’ll start making noise as soon as you need quiet.

But you cannot be in the same room when DH has therapy - this is ridiculous and he needs to do this 1 thing by himself.

If you can’t take the kids out, then next time, do something that you know keeps them quiet - movie, screen time, dinner etc.

Its likely yours and DHs anxiety were heightened and they picked up on this.

It’s fair enough that they couldn’t do therapy.
Its meant to be completely private and if the therapist and client can’t hear each other then what’s the point.

Hopefully next time will be much smoother.

It was an important, awaited appointment. First point should have been to go through the teams set up in advance so it was working and connecting at the start of the appointment. Second point should be to set up somewhere quiet with no interruptions or distractions. If that means wrapping the kids up and and taking them on a walk, the park or the shops then thats what should have happened.

Unfortunately you were not set up properly for the appointment to continue effectively therefore it needed to stop. I'd be surprised if they reschedule without a charge for the new appointment. Im sure all of these points were set out as terms and conditions for the first appointment.

You could have just taken them for a walk while your DH was doing his consultation . 🤷‍♀️

This.

If you can't take them out next time then consider where you position yourselves and get set up well in advance.

If you can be a couple of rooms apart with the door shut then that's better than right next door. Start a film or activity 10-15 minutes before the session starts so the kids are settled and distracted elsewhere.

If you do take them out is there a park or something close by? Plan it and perhaps test it in advance so your husband knows he can manage on his own and you are still near.

It sounds like you are having a hard time and things just went wrong here.

"He found this private company that offer help relieve symptoms. It’s very expensive but w e thought we would try just incase it helps as nothing else seems to be helping."

What kind of company is it?

A private clinic offering consultations with qualified psychiatrists, psychologists or registered therapists or what?

Do you know what the qualifications are of the person your husband is paying for a consultation and which professional body regulates their services?

The whole thing sounds weird tbh.

First you say you were in the room helping him with Teams. Then it turned into you "trying"(?) to take the kids out of the room. Then your daughter crying in another room was SO disruptive the therapist couldn't hear or speak (despite, presumably, at least two closed doors between daughter and him?). Then you say your husband had asked you to be present. Which of these was it?

Tbbrutallyh, if I was the therapist I'd be very suspicious you were deliberately bustling round trying to nose in on your adult husband's private medical consultation. And I'd probably also be wondering if half the problem wasn't this whole set up as well. He is entitled to a private consultation and I expect that is how the therapist works as well.

Your problems are not lesser or inconsequential, but that also means neither are his. I hope you both find the help you individually need.

Noise may not have been bad on your end to you but over teams it could have been significant to the person your husband is talking to.

Sorry everyone has been so horrid OP.

As someone who conducts mental health assessments the reason she ended the call is that she couldn’t maintain a safe and confidential space. Common topics could
include suicidal ideation, self harm or past trauma/abuse so not things you would want others over hearing, especially not children.

Might be easier for your partner to find somewhere else to do the call like a family members house or even in your bathroom if that has a lock.

I’m sure if you explain that you weren’t aware privacy was needed they will be happy to rearrange.

Best of luck x

Were the children in the room making noise then as well?
It’s frankly bizarre that either of you considers this to be ok.
How does your life work with young children and a husband who can’t be left alone??

this, you wasted the doctors time which they had set aside for this appointment. It couldn't be conducted in the environment you provided so expect to pay again.

If your husband wanted you there, how was that ever going to work unless the children could just be left in another room for the call?

It may have been a combination of him not being set up & ready to take the call plus wanting him to be alone?

I was thinking the same. No wonder your husband has severe anxiety - he cannot even get a minutes peace to speak privately to someone trying to help him.

Yes it is perfectly normal for the practitioner to request its private and calm. That’s what a professional should do because they are creating the protected space for him to be heard and understood. I don’t see why you should be in the room with him either. It’s possible for him to take in some notes that he can prepare with your help in advance but it’s his thoughts and feelings that are important here.

This just isn't true. In fact, there is no evidence that WFH has a detrimental impact on productivity and quality. The push for workers to return to the office came from wealthy property owners who didn't want to see the value of their city centre office blocks go down. This, and the fact that people working from home saw expenditure transferred from central business districts to suburbia. Many people have swallowed this nonsense and it will be to the detriment of us all. If we are serious about tackling climate change and air pollution we have to let go of the commute. Everyone whose work can be done from home should be working from home. We have allowed the chink of daylight COVID gave us to be closed due to envy and arrant stupidity. It's incredibly frustrating.

I get this at work sometimes.

When I ring out then its luck of the draw about the situation you end up in, its when people ring in with loud music in the background then start shouting at someone to turn it off

I am guessing it was quite noisy and maybe he was too distracted that they felt the session would not be worth anyone's time. Surely the whole family wouldn't have traipsed into a doctor's appointment and expected to be able to listen thoroughly.

I had to do a speed course awareness online during Covid times and the noise coming from other people's homes was horrendous and really distracting. The course leader had to be quite arsy in the end telling people to close doors to the room and disconnect landlines etc. Noise travels badly on microphones, and the reality was likely that it was too distracting for the therapist/counsellor.

Why are you spending money though - is he not seeing his GP? It sounds like his anxiety is ruling your life, and i mean that kindly. And he needs to take responsibility for his mental health because he's the only one who can fix it. This company could be complete charlatans for all he knows and I would encourage approaching some better known organisations if he won't go to the GP.

So how was that ever going to work?

Op I agree with you, was a bit ridiculous she got annoyed with someone dealing with anxiety!!!!!

This isn’t about you. It’s about helping your husband in a particular situation that was pre-planned. I think most people just want you to see it, so you can support him better next time. I repeat it’s not about you

I don’t know why people are so horrible. I am a therapist and I definitely wouldn’t have ended call. It would be an opportunity to see how the client reacts in a stressful situation and see if any helpful strategies can be put in place. Big hug from me.

& this is why it was never going to work....

Yeah, you’ve had a really hard time here, OP, and very little sympathy (but that’s what you can expect these days, on here).

Hopefully, you can reschedule the appointment although like a PP asked, who are these people that he’s having a call with and what are their methods for reducing anxiety? Has your husband consulted his GP for help?

For what it’s worth, I had moderate to severe anxiety for about 3 years and after trying a few antidepressants, I tried Fluoxetine. My anxiety was gone almost completely within about 3 days. Honestly, it was like a miracle.

Sending a hug. Hope you’re Ok xx

OP It must have been very disappointing to feel you were hanging on for this and then it not to happen. People aren’t trying to be mean just to explain that one person only and a calm environment are important parameters for therapy. In the old days before online was a thing the ideal for a course of therapy would be the same room at the same time and set up the same way for the whole course. It’s about a therapeutic space, feeling safe and it’s an important part of the process.

I see some PPs have picked up on this as well.

When you've made a commitment to addressing your anxiety, you need to embrace the responsibility for it. It's not really on to share a therapy session with a third party unless it's an intentionally multiway project. Your presence would be expected to inhibit both DH and the therapist.

You can support him more effectively by:

• ensuring the connection's set up before the start time;
• working with him to make notes in advance;
• arranging to go out with the DC before it starts.

If he's scared of the actual session start, he should prepare some self-support: a cup of tea, a warm blanket, a breathing ritual, something. The first couple of times, maybe he'd like to phone you while he logs in? The therapist will help him with this once she knows him.

Here's my favourite breathing prompt 🙂
https://tenor.com/en-GB/view/breathing-exercise-shapes-triangle-square-gif-833188648845214299