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Original poster

Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

116 replies

Propage · 27/12/2025 13:27

I have a lovely family. Every one wanted to have a special Christmas this year. Ie we said we’ll spend a little more on Christmas gifts and foods. The house was decorated beautifully with some posh garlands.

Just for context I live with my parents after my divorce. They have a large home and hosted. Sisters and I decorated together at the beginning of December. It was a great day with cocktails and laughter.

I don’t know I just feel sad. Don’t get me wrong I WANTED to make nice meals like lasagna, steak and ale pie etc so we could enjoy a meal together with wine. And just sit and relax together.

But one day I was at the height of a very mild cold we all sort of have (23rd). Not feeling amazing. I tried hinting I really wasn’t feeling cooking. Everyone was like “no we trust you are hygienic and will wash your hands”. So I just soldiered on as I wanted everyone to have a nice meal together.

Christmas day. I was up at 4 am prepping my cinnamon rolls (couldn’t sleep so thought I’ll just death them out the way and have a nice lie in). Couldn’t end up sleeping again. Had a nice breakfast opening presents. Within mins sister (mains cooker) who has been fine all morning says she is not feeling well and will have a nap before starting. So I offered to help. Ended up doing the whole meal with some people chipping in here and there.

Sister’s husband is running around after sister with pain killers, blankets, hot water bottles. I obviously got next to no attention. It’s fine. Obviously I chose this. I genuinely enjoy sitting around with a lovely meal. And I enjoy making puds. I want my family to feel loved and spoiled. But equally I would love to receive that too.

Got a wonderful expensive gift. So people
have made an effort

Just had a cry. Feel unloved even though my family is lovely. Someone did run out to the pharmacy for me. I feel like I give but have no one looking after me. It’s all one sided. I’m a nice person.

I mean everyone pitched in. But I feel like I’m always the one picking up the slack with the shittest jobs. Ie scrubbed the whole house. Others did more of the fun jobs ie wrap in front of the tv.

My mum has arthritis so is limited to what she can do.

OP posts:
Moretwirlsandswirls · 27/12/2025 13:47

I think it must be really hard after your divorce and not having someone /a partner looking out for you when you were feeling unwell. The whole thing probably really emphasised those feelings in you.

Having said that I do think you made too much work for yourself. I would be eye rolling at the homemade buns at 4am and the scrubbed house and the person feeling hard done by. It’s lovely but just extra work. I get annoyed when my husband does way more than he needs to then moans because we don’t appreciate how knackered he is- no one asked or expects it! Maybe something to think about?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/12/2025 13:47

Propage · 27/12/2025 13:43

I was the main person cooking. I was the person just telling people please peel that for me, keep an eye on x. I did 85% of the cooking. I was supposed to only be on breakfast and puds. The whole day was pretty much down to me. And it wasn’t a low key thing. A lot of work. I just wish someone would have offered to make me a tea or something. Or ask if I was ok. I had to ask someone to get me cough syrup as I was having coughing fits. No one offered.

Show quote history

You sound like a martyr. You didn’t have to be the person taking charge. You clearly stepped into that role by choice, don’t complain about it after! It’s also clear from your post you have high expectations around food and having a lovely meal. If you weren’t meant to be on mains then you didn’t need to step up any more than anybody else, I’m betting you offered to do it and stepped into the role so don’t then complain about something you offered to do! There is nothing more annoying than a martyr who says ‘oh don’t worry I’ll do it’ and then complains about having to do it afterwards!

Original poster
Propage · 27/12/2025 13:44

ThatLemonBear · 27/12/2025 13:44

Unfortunately people aren’t mind readers and don’t know what you’re secretly hoping for whilst getting up at 4am to bake rolls. It’s also entirely possible that what is lovely to you isn’t so important to them (would everyone have been fine with a takeaway instead of a slaved over home cooked meal on one night, for example?) I’d hazard a guess that you might be feeling a bit lonely if everyone else is coupled up, and that is perfectly understandable. In your shoes, I’d step back from running round after everyone else and treat yourself instead (maybe a spa day for some pampering if that’s feasible?) Wishing you a good rest of Christmas and a great 2026

I offered takeaway but my family is very anti takeaway. People said the offer of a takeaway was gross.

Yes, everyone is making an effort with their partner and our parents. I haven’t got that. Just felt like a maid.

Thank you for wishing me well. Very kind x

OP posts:
Original poster
Propage · 27/12/2025 13:44

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/12/2025 13:43

Why did you "scrub the whole house"? That was a very silly thing to do.

To get it fresh and cosy for all the visitors.

OP posts:
ThatLemonBear · 27/12/2025 13:44

Unfortunately people aren’t mind readers and don’t know what you’re secretly hoping for whilst getting up at 4am to bake rolls. It’s also entirely possible that what is lovely to you isn’t so important to them (would everyone have been fine with a takeaway instead of a slaved over home cooked meal on one night, for example?) I’d hazard a guess that you might be feeling a bit lonely if everyone else is coupled up, and that is perfectly understandable. In your shoes, I’d step back from running round after everyone else and treat yourself instead (maybe a spa day for some pampering if that’s feasible?) Wishing you a good rest of Christmas and a great 2026

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/12/2025 13:43

Why did you "scrub the whole house"? That was a very silly thing to do.

Original poster
Propage · 27/12/2025 13:43

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/12/2025 13:39

Lots of contradictions. You say you feel unloved and like nobody cares and like you get nothing back, but you also say you got an expensive gift. You say somebody did go to the pharmacy for you. Other people chipped in with chores. You offered and wanted to make the food.

If you didn’t feel well enough to cook you should have explicitly said, not just dropped a few hints. If you didn’t want to do jobs like cleaning or taking charge of the mains you shouldn’t have done them!

Honestly it sounds like everybody in your family just has different ways of showing how they care, yours seems to be through food but just because that isn’t the case for everybody doesn’t mean they don’t care. You got a nice gift, everybody chipped in, somebody cared enough to go out to the pharmacy for you. It isn’t clear what your actual problem is because it certainly doesn’t sound like people don’t care.

Edited
Show quote history

I was the main person cooking. I was the person just telling people please peel that for me, keep an eye on x. I did 85% of the cooking. I was supposed to only be on breakfast and puds. The whole day was pretty much down to me. And it wasn’t a low key thing. A lot of work. I just wish someone would have offered to make me a tea or something. Or ask if I was ok. I had to ask someone to get me cough syrup as I was having coughing fits. No one offered.

OP posts:
2026ontheway · 27/12/2025 13:40

Also, you need to stop doing all the expectations YOU ON YOURSELF as well. I bet your cinnamon rolls are amazing, baking is a wonderful thing, but when Christmas gets rolling people are relaxing yet eating meal after gorgeous meal, no one will appreciate as they probably should be appreciated! If you got up, made yourself coffee, retreated back to bed for a bit and scrolled/ dozed/read a book, then shoved frozen pastries from a supermarket in the oven for ten minutes then people would hardly complain.

I sympathise, because I was like you. Now I am absolutely about giving myself time off.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/12/2025 13:39

Propage · 27/12/2025 13:33

Like what? I don’t believe I have contradicted myself.

Show quote history

Lots of contradictions. You say you feel unloved and like nobody cares and like you get nothing back, but you also say you got an expensive gift. You say somebody did go to the pharmacy for you. Other people chipped in with chores. You offered and wanted to make the food.

If you didn’t feel well enough to cook you should have explicitly said, not just dropped a few hints. If you didn’t want to do jobs like cleaning or taking charge of the mains you shouldn’t have done them!

Honestly it sounds like everybody in your family just has different ways of showing how they care, yours seems to be through food but just because that isn’t the case for everybody doesn’t mean they don’t care. You got a nice gift, everybody chipped in, somebody cared enough to go out to the pharmacy for you. It isn’t clear what your actual problem is because it certainly doesn’t sound like people don’t care.

Original poster
Propage · 27/12/2025 13:38

CocoPlum · 27/12/2025 13:35

You say you got a wonderful expensive gift, and someone did run out to the pharmacy for you, but that you feel unloved and no one does anything for you.

If this is your first Christmas post divorce, it must feel extra raw. It sounds like you need to be clearer with everyone about the help you need.

Show quote history

I had to ask for someone to go get me cough medicine. It was very kind of them to go but it was a 5 month job around the corner. Ordering a gift online is no effort. I didn’t have a single meal cooked for me that I was not involved in. Family were all here for a few days. It would have been nice if someone thought let’s give Em a break.

OP posts:
Original poster
Propage · 27/12/2025 13:36

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2025 13:34

Yes, sadly you have joined the martyr queue. You need to be clearer in your head about what you would like and then verbalise that.

You could make it your new year's resolution. It could be fun and definitely empowering 😀.

Hmm but it’s not like I want to be a
martyr . I just know if I don’t do the bits I do they won’t get done. And it just makes everything a bit sour and less special. I want to give people the magic and cosiness of Christmas. I just feel sad that no one thought to give me a bit of care.

OP posts:
CocoPlum · 27/12/2025 13:35

Propage · 27/12/2025 13:33

Like what? I don’t believe I have contradicted myself.

Show quote history

You say you got a wonderful expensive gift, and someone did run out to the pharmacy for you, but that you feel unloved and no one does anything for you.

If this is your first Christmas post divorce, it must feel extra raw. It sounds like you need to be clearer with everyone about the help you need.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2025 13:34

Yes, sadly you have joined the martyr queue. You need to be clearer in your head about what you would like and then verbalise that.

You could make it your new year's resolution. It could be fun and definitely empowering 😀.

Original poster
Propage · 27/12/2025 13:33

Nickyknackered · 27/12/2025 13:31

You dont really sound like you know what you want, lots of contradictions.

Like what? I don’t believe I have contradicted myself.

OP posts:
Nickyknackered · 27/12/2025 13:31

You dont really sound like you know what you want, lots of contradictions.

ilovelamp82 · 27/12/2025 13:31

If you have a nice family like you say then you obviously just have to be a bit clearer. I'm really not feeling well so someone else will have to cook this next meal while I have some rest.