Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

Your choices sound pretty crackers tbh, getting up at 4am to make non-essential food, painting walls and scrubbing every room. You're welcome to do all of this, but then can't really moan that you this big giver who gets taken for granted. You're bored or awake and want to do these things. You expect other people to be mind-readers about which bits you want to do and when you're doing things against your will. I suspect it's all more to do with your divorce and having a cold so you're feeling sorry for yourself, which is fair enough, but ofc the husband looks after his poorly wife and there isn't an equivalent person to do that for you and that doesn't mean anyone's at fault, it's just how the current situation is.

Your family got you a nice pressie and you're even living with them full-time so you can hardly say they're not doing their bit. Focus on what you can control and only do the things you want then you can't blame anyone for feeling exploited. I've never scrubbed the house from top to bottom or made cinnamon rolls and managed to make it to 50. Dry your eyes and ease off for the rest of the break.

Because you live with your parents, who are hosting, you are the default host too. Unless your siblings also live with your parents? Even when everyone's family, we still fall into host and guest roles I think.

Tell them this or stop doing things.

I’m wondering if it’s worth giving yourself some time to think about what your expectations were for yourself from a “magical Christmas”. You went to a great deal of effort for everyone and now feel you didn’t get a fair return? You might have been hoping for many things: recognition of your role as a support for your mother, a big healing bath of affection after a tough year. Sadly families are often not good sources of validation and looking for it there can lead people to feel very vulnerable. You may need to think about other sources. Unfortunately healing is lonely work.

So why didn’t you then go and have a bath and relax, say you’ve done breakfast and now want to rest. It sounds like there were enough people to muddle through making a roast dinner.

Not everyone can work out what you actually want from hints. It could easily have been interpreted as rude if you'd said you were going to make a pie and people said 'lets get a takeaway instead' or 'no, don't bother'. You need to be clear. 'i don't feel well enough to cook sorry'. Nobody who actually gives a shit about you is going to get upset or offended.

I offered takeaway but my family is very anti takeaway. People said the offer of a takeaway was gross.

Really? Come on!

You offer a takeaway and they say, 'no, that is gross'

You say, 'what shall we have then? I have cooked every meal this week. Whose turn is it now?'

Maybe consider that, if it didn’t get done if you don’t do it, it’s not that important to the people you’re with? People will do the things that matter to them. It mattered to you that everything was perfect and you did it all - I’m guessing it wasn’t so important to the others that they would do it in your absence.

You really need to speak up for yourself. I made a lovely Christmas dinner and made it clear that I wasn’t cleaning the kitchen afterwards. My DH and kids all cleaned the kitchen beautifully but had I not said, the chances are I’d have had some cleaning up waiting for me. Not because they don’t care, but they’re used to me taking care of certain jobs, and the kitchen is one of them. So I need to tell them when the “usual” is changing.

It’s rubbish realising you need to look out for yourself, but it’s also part of being an adult.

Sounds to me like as you live with your parents, you are in more of a "host" role than a "guest" role.

A lot of what you've done sounds lovely, but the kind of thing that has a massive cost in time/energy but little impact in terms of guest noticing. I would be more selective about your job selection when you have limited time and energy - go for the big impact things!

Having said that, yes it is true I think in families or groups there are always a few "doers" who make the effort and do the work to carry the "coasters". It can be frustrating being in that group, I am also one of them. I don't mind too much as I love the celebrations, but if it is too much for you you are not obliged to do it - they may have a less cost/comfortable Christmas, but that's ok

What do you think would have been their reaction if you'd said you were actually too poorly to make it? Would they have been understanding or were you worried?

There's a difference between a lovely family not realising you were poorly, and a not-so-nice family taking the piss.

Taking them at face value, you may have masked being poorly really well and they just didn't realise you felt as tired as you were.

You sound very caring and kind, I imagine you go above and beyond for people all the time. Sadly not everyone (even lovely family) are always quite as empathetic!

Take this as a lesson to speak up for yourself, you deserve to have your needs met too!

If you didn't want to cook pie - stop being feeble with your 'hints'.

say - Im feeling terrible, I need a lie down - unless someone else has a better idea Im getting chinese who's in.

Is this because you’re alone? I say this as a single parent myself and even though I have the most wonderful of family, it really hits home at these events that I’m alone. My siblings partner dotes on them too. I think you just have to be grateful for what you have because you can’t control the rest.

Why didn’t YOU say let’s not bother with the pie
”I’m not up to cooking - let’s order Chinese”

As for “clearly trying to show I didn’t want to make (the pie)”
For goodness sake, use your words!

If you wanted a take away/ chinese - just say, right Im knackered and for X meal we are having a takeaway unless someone else cooks

You are mad getting up at 4am cooking on xmas day when it's clearly going to be a long day anyway.

I think it sounds like it triggered you seeing people supported by partners which its understandable

No one knows what you need unless you tell them. The sense I get from your post is that your real issue is that you feel you don’t have someone to make a fuss of/look after you. I am single, and I empathise with that feeling. I have had a horrendous cold for 10 days and to top that off, DD got a horrendous vomiting bug and looking after her while I was also sick was really tough. Fortunately I told my ex (her other parent) I just couldn’t hack it so she came over and helped.

Christmas Day - I’m on my own with 3 DC. I cook the meal, I tidy up (they do help a bit). I too would love to have a partner look after me etc, but I don’t have one and that’s just how it is. I do have a loving family and a small group of close friends I know would always help me out if I asked. But you have to ask.

You do need to stop hinting and use your words. "I'm so sorry but I'm feeling crap and not up to making a pie for tonight." Someone would have stepped in.

"guys, I know I said I'd make a pie this evening but I'm actually feeling really rough. Has anyone else got an idea for today and I'll see if I'm feeling better tomorrow"

It's really not hard.

this is said with love because I think the goal here us for OP to see a way forward that gets her what she wants.

OP you are in an objectively difficult phase—back home post divorce in a traditionalist family where everyone else is coupled up. You are an outlier living a life that they don’t respect or truly expect.

While living at home you have taken on the role of the good girl. Surely that is partly love and partly necessity. Because good girls are necessary and liked and don’t get asked to leave. So all this doing and scrubbing and cooking ard both free gifts of a loving heart snd necessitated by the fact that you have “no safety net” and no dedicated partner.

So some of this loving/cooking/niceness is a tactic, even a kind of trauma response (submission/compliance are trauma responses). In other words there is a secondary gain to your behavior that you can’t or won’t give up because it is of value. The more you do for others, and the more dramatically ( coughing while cooking) the more necessary you demonstrate yourself to be. The more others express appreciation “oh we couldn’t have done it without you! Oh good old Susie! She’s the best! Mum and dad couldn’t have hosted without her!”

This praise gives you some security as a single woman living at home.

Do you need it? Do you have to slave away as everyone’d maid to feel safe? Maybe its time to reflect on how bad it also makes you feel. Can you start to busy yourself building a new life so you see family as not sll you have? Make ghis year one where you resolve to advocate for yourself snd take care of yourself.

You need to SPEAK UP!

So then acknowledge that you painted and scrubbed the house for yourself, partly because you were bored and perhaps mostly because you have an idea of what the perfect Christmas looks like and wanted to deliver on that. If you went away for Christmas and were not around, would your family have a rubbish Christmas because there was nobody to do aaaall the things you do? I suspect not.

That said, it’s not nice to feel like you have worked hard to make Christmas special and it has not been fully appreciated by those around. It’s also not nice to feel like everyone else is coupled up except you, especially if this is the first Christmas post divorce. Just try to remember that it’s not your family’s fault.

Sounds very much like you’re trying to out-woman yourself by doing all the womanly caring roles to the absolute max. Maybe because everyone else is coupled up and they therefore ‘fit in’ to the established social order. Divorce is very hard. People judge. Do yourself a favour and stop judging yourself.

Omg if this is enough to make you feel unappreciated, I do not recommend getting a husband and kids.