Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

Thing is with the scrubbing - you actually live there with your parents and the others don't. Why would they scrub? Helping in the kitchen I can understand, but a big pre-christmas deep clean no.

Gently, I think the real problem is you want the safety net of a romantic partner. Your family cannot meet this need.

Kindly meant,
You are being a martyr.
You CAN stop it, right now.
I stopped it and feel so much better.

Good luck....

I think you should go to a therapist to deal with the grief from your divorce and also to enforce some boundaries.

I don't think your family is the issue. Your sister has her husband/partner for support and you don't have anyone, I think thats the real issue here.

And if you'd said "I don't feel great. I'll make the pie another day when I feel better." or "Shame sister is not feeling well and she was going to cook dinner. Shall we all just muck in and have something simple instead" would the day be massively less "lovely" for everyone?

I'm sure your dinner was gorgeous, but will anyone really remember it in a couple of week's time? Is it more likely they will remember everyone getting together and people all doing bits and pieces so it was team effort?

But do all of the bits need to be done to make it special, or need to be done because otherwise (only) you don’t feel it’s special?.

I say this nicely OP, but other people may not care about the same stuff, to the same level you do. The fact that it’s not done - whatever it may be - isn’t important to them (obviously I’m not talking about cooking the turkey, or putting the tree up). They may fully appreciate your attention to details, but maybe they think you like doing these things, and they aren’t bothered, so wouldn’t offer.
I do lots of little bits towards making Christmas special, I know they’re appreciated, but if I stopped doing them, I could because it wouldn’t alter much, not really. I choose to do them so can’t complain if they don’t get done.

Christmas brings out all sorts of emotions around family, friends, loved ones, even more so post divorce . But it sounds like you’re well loved, so perhaps just feeling it a little bit this year because of the divorce?.
In future, work out what’s important to you, get a rota in place for preparation and when things don’t go to plan, or don’t get done, realise it isn’t the most important part.

OP - has your recent divorce made you feel as though your life is out of control? Are you trying to regain that control by trying to make your environment feel extra secure?

Because you remind me a bit of my mum, who did exactly this and for those reasons. She'd slave away and then be angry because nobody helped, when she actively kept everyone out of the kitchen because she needed to be in control there. So we were damned if we did and damned if we didn't.

You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to feel unloved and unwanted, these are your feelings. But I think they might be more related to your actual day to day life than Christmas itself.

It’s easy to do what you have done. Me I just say I’m tired I’m going for a sleep or whatever

So they won't get done, then. Have you considered that maybe you are the only person who wants your specific level of magic? And others have their own views. You can't invent a high bar for Christmas, do everything without anyone asking you to and then get upset that it's not appreciated. You can't make people value you by giving them more of what they already don't need. And that's martyrdom.
You say you don't want to be a martyr but you actually do. And, to be completely frank, all this extra effort you did was for you, not for them.

Ah, I think you’re missing having a partner… not your actual ex probably! But a partner who is yours and whose job it is to look out for you. Like your sister had being run round after and fetched things. I’ve always been single and I have to say I really notice it at holidays and gatherings - I don’t have that person who prioritises me and backs me up. I’m no one’s special someone. Which is fine! I’m happy alone and better than 99% of the men/relationships I know, but just sometimes, when you see people being taken care of and treated and spoiled, you think… oh, never for me. And it’s tough to set boundaries by yourself sometimes - you could have set your person up to suggest a takeaway when you said you were tired, or expected them to get your hint - on your own you have to actually come out and say it and feel like you’re making a fuss and letting people down more explicitly. I suspect this might be your first Christmas not in a couple as an adult for a while? So that’s probably why you’re feeling that way. Let yourself feel it but also it sounds like you did have a lovely time and go nice presents etc. So focus on the good bits too!

The majority of what you did could have just not been done.

You need to be explicit... everyone could have got by without home made food and painted walls and I guarantee Christmas would have still been special

Stop with the hinting and being a martyr and be clear...you don't feel well enough to cook so its takeaway or whatever someone else wants to cook. End of

You can't do these things and then moan when people let you...they aren't mind readers

Everyone has helped me a lot with my recent divorce.

Okay so it's not that you only give and get not much back then.

You’re wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself. Allow it for 5 mins then take a reality check and move on before you get used to the horrible trait that is self-martyrdom.
Lots of contradictions as have been pointed out by others. Reflect on the fact most of the things you are moping about are things you absolutely insisted on and allegedly enjoy doing. If you’re actually doing these things for attention or validation, pull yourself up on it and don’t do them again. If you did enjoy doing them then accept you’re being a bit silly, have the pity party and then move onwards. You’ve had a lovely Christmas with a thoughtful family.

Which is fine, but don't complain about it afterwards. You can't have it both ways, and your family aren't mind readers. You felt unwell but decide to martyr yourself, including getting up at 4am to make cinnamon rolls - but that isn't a problem because you couldn't sleep anyway - then complain because people are letting you.

I wonder if others are as invested in holiday specialness as you are? All the posh garlands up a month early, and the days and days on end of lovely meals and special puddings?

I know many perfectionists who feel the same way you do, OP - if I didn’t do everything it wouldn’t get done, or done correctly, or it wouldn’t be special enough, and that would be a disaster and everything would collapse.

And they make the decision to overlook their own needs to prioritise things being perfect, because the discomfort of things not being perfect is too much to bear.

Then what happens is the people around them understand that it is very important to Propage for things to be perfect - this is her thing, this is her way of coping or her hobby or her love language or whatever. But it’s a fuck ton of work, and not everyone signed up for this or has the energy for a sustained marathon of cooking and hosting and decorating that lasts for weeks, when we’re all tired and under the weather. So we’ll let her crack on, as it’s very meaningful to her for things to be just so, and the whole holiday might go tits up if we suggested having a quiet day while we convalesce rather than yet another massive family banquet.

People might be relieved if you took a break or had a rest. But people might also be worried you’ll be sad and upset if things aren’t perfect.

From my perspective i believe it is the difference between someone being actively looked after by someone (sister by bil) and passively (do you need anything? etc)

Are you single OP?

Honestly, you sound like a martyr.

And you said it yourself, your cold was very mild. I think everyone's got a very mild cold at the moment, I know I have, plus an eye infection.

I think getting up at 4am to make cinnamon rolls was where you first went wrong. Especially as everyone would have been just as happy with rounds of bacon sandwiches, or even those rolls that come out of the can.

You've taken on this Cinderella role for yourself, but no one asked you to.

But that is the whole issue isn’t it you need to speak up and say NO I am not feeling well I don’t want to do it or you do it

was your ex unappreciative as well so you didn’t have that with him

I think the problem is your expectations and their expectations are too far apart.

Tbh having someone scrubbing and repainting the house would have stressed me out. I would not want it done, nor found it necessary and having someone doing it would have made me feel I ought to do some while not wanting to do it. I think that makes sense.

If you don't want to make pie, then say so. "I am not feeling well, I'm going to lie down. If no one else is happy to make the pie, then do get a takeaway."
Gentle hints of what sounds like "not sure I should make the pie if I'm ill" would leave me thinking that you did want to make it, but were checking out what others feel.

It doesn't sound like they were mean or uncaring, simply that what you expected from hinting at them, was not what they thought you wanted.

Do you know how privileged you are to have parents who have housed you, given you a roof over your head, and family members who would support you if you had something really bad happen, more than a little sniffly cold.

You need to be less self-absorbed - honestly, just look out there and see what devastation really looks like for populations of people round the world and count yourself lucky you want for absolutely nothing.

Is a Mediterranean penis too big to fit in the kitchen or something? Of course the men could cook dinner if they had to! I’m also from a traditional male dominated culture but my family won’t stand for lazy or helpless men doing nothing to help out at mealtimes.

Nobody would care if the house wasn’t scrubbed or the cinnamon buns weren’t freshly made. If you’d said I’m not well enough to cook, of course the family would have managed with a takeaway. I’m betting those lazy men would tell everyone how unwell they were if they had a cold.

This year I got screamed at by my father in law. He then screamed at his daughter.

It was absolutely awful.

Next year I’m thinking we should leave the country. There is no way in hell I’m going through that again.

It all seemed to have been minimised. But it was horrific. My child witnessed it and had a meltdown.

Lack of assertiveness on your part. Sounds like you need to be firmer and accept that you are responsible for your own wellbeing. Should have just said firmly ‘I’m not well. I’m going to bed. Someone else will need to step in.’ And I’m the same - just very much a people pleaser who doesn’t like to let people down. But I’m working on it…..

Exactly.

"No that it is gross."

"Ha ha, fair enough. I'm having one, you have whatever you like."

They're grown ups and individuals. Every meal doesn't have to be a group thing. If people can't agree, grab a sandwich and leave them to it.