Had a cry over Christmas cause I feel like I only give and get not much back

I do wonder if it feels difficult for you because of the couples as well, you mentioned your sisters husband taking care of her and it must be hard not to have that, having been divorced and moving back to your parents. It sounds like your family are loving and supportive in the typical way, and you probably miss the support of a partner because that's different. I think if you don't want to do the cooking you're doing, stop offering and be more direct - sorry guys I can't make the pie today.

It’s does require being very clear in communicating your desires and needs. When you had a cold and didn’t fancy cooking, solid you say that clearly or did you hide behind ‘joy sure you are hygienic enough to cook’. You will find that you can determine to an extend how people respond. Try using ChatGPT to see how people will respond to different what’s you explain things.

There are some tasks that if you don’t do them, they don’t get done. How bad would it be if they didn’t get done?

it’s not easy but one way forward to to send more effort deciding together who is going to do what, and what’s a priority and what isn’t.

it’s not easy but it is very simple.

You are a professional moaner op. They did all the right things and still seem wrong to you. You do sound like someone hard to please.

Some people OP are just not that great at making others feel loved and spoiled -I personally don’t like that kind of fuss - my idea of love and spoiling others is making those nice meals and if I don’t feel great I don’t want people fussing round me -consequently I don’t much fuss over others too . Your family aren’t mind readers , if you appear to be fine and a mild cold isn’t really a big deal in the scheme of things then maybe they think you enjoy the ‘making stuff’ - being in charge of that -some people do . If you really don’t feel up to it you really need to speak up, not do it all and then moan and maybe you’ve always been a ‘soldier on’ person and others didn’t realise you were struggling a bit -

I think going forward you need to communicate better. I feel for you but I also find your posts infuriating as I can’t stand people expecting me to get that they don’t want to do something when they say they do. I find it stressful and it actually makes me quite angry! Sorry I left my crystal ball at home! So you coughing away whilst making the pie would have irritated me immensely “no I’m fine”….

But if they just don’t get done then so what 🤷‍♀️. The house does not need scrubbing. You didn’t need to get up at 4am to make cinnamon rolls. You could have said explicitly that you were too ill to cook and going to have a nap.

You sound like you’re the only person that cares about certain elements of the day, and that you were trying way too hard to make everything “perfect”. If you want to do that that’s fine, but you have to accept that others just aren’t bothered, so it’s 100% your choice and you don’t get to feel annoyed that you’ve chosen to do too much.

You're presumably living with your parents temporarily? So really it was them hosting in their house? So why does it default to you? If cinnamon buns don’t get made, does it really matter? You’ve built up the importance of the little things - at the expense of recognising what’s really important.

I think you wanted to prove (to yourself?) that you could host an amazing and perfect Christmas despite being divorced. And you wanted recognition from them that YOU WERE AMAZING AND CHRISTMAS WAS AMAZING AND IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

I understand how you're feeling, I was single when both my sisters were married/had children, I was ignored by our parents while they were fussed over, at one point my mum made cups of tea for everyone except me; I was forgotten about!! I wouldn't bloody tolerate that now, I'd advocate for myself, and you need to do the same! Stand up for yourself, make your voice heard, think about whether you really want to take on all the work, because you can be sure that if you do, other people will let you. I was constantly told as a child to put other people first ( not good for girls to be told this!!) and after a life time of people taking advantage of me, including friends & family, I started putting myself first, and i suggest you do the same. It's liberating.

Sorry about the wall of text!!

People are being quite mean, the OP is obviously struggling. I’m sorry you’re having a bit of a rubbish time OP. May I suggest cracking open a bottle, nothing like the temporary fix of a red wine blanket :-)

Dear @Propage - you sound lovely and this just sounds like you're feeling it as a divorcee in your first Xmas. I'm used to it now but your post did make me think of those feelings of connection you have with a partner, maybe a special gift, someone just keeping an eye on you ... something you don't get as a single woman/ divorcee. It does feel lonely and like you're on your own in the first few Xmasses and birthdays.

take care xx

Good starting point is to stop hinting ever. Just say what’s happening.
Hinting is utterly pointless

You sound like you have a lovely family who care for you very much but can sometimes be a bit thoughtless. Im sure they would be gutted if they knew you felt like this. Perhaps better communication is called for kindly telling them how you feel i think they willl be surprised but always worth reminding them you need caring for too. Take Care

I'll make no assumptions and ask no questions about your previous marriage as that is not being discussed here.

I do think the type of consideration and effort you're looking for generally comes from a partner rather than siblings/in-laws.
Probably the care your BIL was showing to your poorly sister only emphasised what you dont have at the moment.

I'm dead old now and have learnt that people are not mind readers. You have to state your needs, but be mindful that you can't always expect them to be met. And there is a touch of the martyr in your post, if you don't want to do it don't do it! And if you do something, do it out of love with nothing expected back. Saying that I am a single mum with a chronic illness and a full time job, and I sometimes take to my bed and have a little whimper cos I want my mam to look after me, but she's long dead. Nothing wrong with wanting to be looked after sometimes.

Saying you have no safety net while living with your parents in their huge gorgeous house after your divorce is pretty tone deaf. When I got divorced I moved into a tiny one bed shit hole flat I made the best of in a row of other sad divorced people. I hosted my family for Christmas in the world’s smallest kitchen and it was bloody lovely.

I agree you may need to be clearer. I've learned that DH just does not get the message if I say 'I'm feeling a bit unwell' or 'I'm coming down with that thing the kids had'. I have to say things like 'I've got a really bad cold, I won't be able to pick up the kids today/I can't do X, Y, Z' I literally have to tell him I'm not well enough to do a thing or else it just doesn't get through to him.

Interestingly, I've realised this is the flipside of the 'man flu' thing - I've told DH he doesn't need to repeatedly tell me how awful he feels when he's ill and he's told me it's his way of being clear why he's not able to do stuff. Which has made me more sympathetic- it's not because he wants pity, it's his way of saying 'I'm sorry I can't do stuff, I'm not well enough'. It's still kind of an annoying way to do it, but I do feel a bit more understanding now.

Painting the walls does not equal relaxed.

So? Then they don't get done.
Also hinting that you don't feel yp to cooking! Just be clear "I can't cook, who's taking over"

Jumping in to help? Daft. Getting up at 4? Batty.

You are clearly still finding your way. Make 2026 the year you prioritise yourself.

If you’ve been a little under the weather, not sleeping particularly well, and you’ve been busy, this can lead to heightened emotions at the best of times. Is this the first Christmas since your divorce?

It sounds like you know YABU to feel sad about the way Christmas played out, because you’re aware you decided it was going to be like this for yourself. I wonder if, as it seems you’d made it very clear that you wanted to do all of these things, it might not be that everyone expected you to do everything, and more “Propage enjoys this stuff, we’re not going to spoil that by trying to take over”? It sounds like they interpreted your hints as concern about making others ill rather than not wanting to cook - if you’d been more direct there’s every chance they’d have helped more!

If you’ve realised you’d prefer things to be different in future you’ll need to be upfront about wanting everyone to do their share. If everyone else wants the house scrubbed, tell them they need to help (or do it themselves). If you want more opportunity for ‘fun’ jobs, tell them this is what you want.

From everything you’ve said, they do care about you. It’s okay to feel sad because Christmas brought up difficult emotions, but blaming your lovely family isn’t fair. Is it possible you might be focusing on your family to avoid confronting what’s really behind how you’re feeling?

Reading your posts - you had a lovely Christmas , surrounded by loved ones , and had a lovely expensive gift.

There is no need to be sad .

BUT - you are living back at home after a divorce and it’s a time when you miss that family unit and loneliness feels stronger. You saw your BIL fussing over your sister and you don’t have that. That’s what you’re sad about - Christmas has highlighted where you are right now and got to your emotions and made you feel sad. That is normal and part of this journey and it is ok to feel like that. Allow yourself to feel it for a bit , without guilt . Then - pick yourself up and focus on the new year and what this new normal means to you now and how you can own it x

“The whole day was pretty much down to me.”

wow.you really have put yourself on a pedestal there.
The very definition of a martyr.

Hi @Propage - I really recognise these feeling especially the layer that divorce adds to it.

The first few big events after my divorce felt emotionally heightened. I was suddenly very aware that everyone else had someone and I didn’t, which made me hyper aware of couples, and who was being looked after. That awareness for me quietly turned into pressure to make everything in my life feel perfect, almost as proof to myself that life is still good and that I’m okay,

Living with parents who are hosting, and therefore you are hosting by extension, brings its own subtle pressure too. You end up stepping in when others step out, because you’re there, you’re capable, and you care. It’s not always a conscious choice, but it can leave you feeling unseen and taken for granted afterwards. I remember feeling the same.

Christmas post divorce can be genuinely hard. I won’t sugar coat it. You can be surrounded by people who love you and still feel very alone, especially when you feel like the one giving the care rather than receiving it. Reading threads over the festive period about lazy husbands and difficult in laws has reminded me that what things look like from the outside is rarely the full story, but that doesn’t make your feelings any less valid.

You sound generous, capable, and kind. Wanting to make things special doesn’t cancel out you’re very human need to feel looked after too. Feeling sad doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It just means you’re human and a bit depleted especially if you’ve had this cold doing the rounds.

One thing counselling post divorce has really helped me with is noticing these patterns and slowly learning where I need firmer boundaries, especially around what I take on and what I quietly absorb. It’s a work in progress.

Be gentle with yourself. This sounds less like a failing family and more like a good person who gave a lot and is tired.

Wishing you a happy 2026

I think you're getting a hard time on here. I understand what you mean, sometimes it's just nice to get a bit of effort back. Someone doing something without you having to ask or 'nag'. I think feeling ill won't help either.

I'm feeling the same this year, I've decided to cut back my expectations of everyone and be more assertive.