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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL

55 replies

miamiamia869 · 27/12/2025 01:39

Is this being unreasonable.

Karen and mike have a daughter gemma who married a man named tom.

Toms parents are separated but gemmas are not.

Gemma and tom have spent every christmas at gemmas mums Karen's house for 9 years since they got togerher and in this time had a child. Tom finally got to spend the 10th year at his mums for christmas and then also wanted the 11th year at his dad's as thet are separated and in differant households.

Karen was angry and says its "her year" to have them at hers as thet were at his family last year so toms dad would need to wait until next year to have them. Even though they spent 9 consecutive years at hers. So technically if it works how she says it should be toms side for 9 years?

Is Karen being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SpringSunSurfDaisies · 27/12/2025 03:48

Firstly, Karen doesn’t get to decide. she gets to offer to host, but every person gets to decide where they spend Christmas themselves.

Next, if it were Gemma and Tom asking this question of Mumsnet, I’d say in a relationship of two people, who’s families both want them to have Christmas Day with them (and assuming it’s not possible to try and split the day), then it should be 50/50 alternative Christmas’s. The fact Tom’s parents are separated is a red herring. He is one person or 50% of the couple, and so he gets 50% of the Christmas’s. Tom’s parents need to understand that as part of their decision to separate they get to see their child less. In the early years this would have meant EOW etc, and now that Tom is in a relationship, it means further diluting Christmas’s OR coming together for Christmas (if possible). For example, they’d never expect Tom to have two weddings, so they both could go to separate ones. Obviously Christmas can be separate events, but it isn’t on Tom to fix a problem they created.

Finally, the 9 years with Karen/Gemma’s family is a red herring. Unless something was agreed at the time, this was obviously a choice made each year by Gemma and Tom, and there is no ‘back pay’ owed. If Tom’s parents had an issue with Tom’s decision at the time they should have raised it with him then. But it is still Tom’s decision. He could have gone separately to one or the other of his parents, if Gemma didn’t want to join him, but he chose not too. Again, if this was Gemma and Tom asking Mumsnet, I’d suggest Gemma consider acknowledging those 9 years and consider a one-off etc, but would also think this might muddy the waters, and a clear 50/50 split of family from now on would be best.

I assume you are Tom’s Mum?

JoshLymanSwagger · 27/12/2025 03:45

Gemma and Tom need to host and invite all GPs to theirs.

LemaxObsessive · 27/12/2025 03:29

Karen needs to wait her turn! Why does she think she’s somehow superior to the other grandparents simply because she’s the maternal grandmother? Why does she think they should come to her again before the paternal grandfather has had his ‘turn?’

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2025 02:41

Calling the MIL ‘Karen’ is a nice touch!

The kids need to decide what they want and do it.

DeathStare · 27/12/2025 02:38

Well clearly you think she is!

The answer is there's no right answer to this. Couples dont have to alternate years between different families. There are no rules. Some Couples always spend Christmas with one family because that's what works for them. Some alternate. Some do a myriad of other things.

Gemma and Tom need to work out what they want to do.