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Original poster

Friend christmas gift - feel awful - wwyd

120 replies

Christmasmirraclee · 27/12/2025 00:14

What would you do

My friend always buys all of our friends gifts - engagement, birthday, new job, baby, christmas, birthday etc.

I appreciate she has spent time and money but she usually buys gifts i dont want or like. I feel awful saying but I have regifted some in the past - strange flavoured gin Liqueurs (thistle, banana), childish sets like coca cola or sherbert scented candles, body wash, etc. Coasters saying something like "its wine o clock" or some sign usually saying something like "if friends were flowers id pick you". She usually buys my partner (46 yo) a lynx set. I never buy her husband a gift. Please dont think I'm being nasty, I'm not.

I usually buy a bottle of wine, chocolates and a nice candle or nice scarf.. something like that. Or a voucher. Anyway, she mentioned spending a fortune on my newborn baby and I decided to buy her hubby something as me, husband and baby would probably all get gifts.

Whilst in tesco last week with my baby, who wasnt very happy being out and about so was crying whilst I was doing christmas shopping I decided I had enough of christmas shopping and would get my friends gift from tesco. I bought wine, bath salts and a book. I felt like I hadn't put much effort into it but was a bit rushed and stressed with the business and my crying baby. I just wanted to go home.

Anyway, when we meet, she hands me a massive gift bag for newborn, ted baker shirt for my husband and a jo malone gift bag for me. I was slightly taken aback due to previous gifts. Yesterday morning I opened it and there was at least £150 of products. I am at hugge jo malone fan but very surprised and feel awful about buying pressies from tesco (i probably spent £20, which she usually spends the same on me).

I feel awful, would you buy a thank you gift (where does it stop) or tell her to have some gifts back as its too much.

She is a carer on a pt wage so I know she doesnt have a huge amount of money but she's spent around £250 on myself, my dh and baby.

OP posts:
Happyjoe · 27/12/2025 10:41

If you can afford it, give her some money towards it. Tell her that it was appreciated and incredibly lovely of her but you don't feel comfortable with her spending so much money. Just be straight up, honest but above all, kind about it. Also, next year agree a limit so this is never repeated. Perhaps instead to stop gifts and have a girlie afternoon out together instead.

HisNotHes · 27/12/2025 10:38

Christmasmirraclee · 27/12/2025 00:29

I know but as much as all the gifts are lovely I feel slightly uncomfortable given i know her financial situation (she is open about her salary and pay etc) and what I bought her in return. We usually spend around £20 (maybe £30) on gifts so this year I'm really taken back. I love her but feel a bit awkward

Don’t feel guilty. It was her choice to spend money she can’t afford (or maybe she felt she could).

Anyway all this tit for tat giving has to stop.

Howwilliknow122 · 27/12/2025 10:33

Op sorry to say but you sound like you give the same types of gifts as she does (aside from this year where it sounds like she went all out) so im not too sure what your issue is. Alot of ppl are fed up with candles too so your idea of a gift is no different to hers. Also odd you knew she had spent alot on your baby (who boasts about spending a fortune on a gift but anyway) and you knew she was getting gifts for all three of you but you spent £20 on nonsense. Why didnt you just get her a £30 or £40 gift card , Tesco sell loads of them, or better still have a conversation and tell her no more gift giving!

waterrat · 27/12/2025 10:22

This is where the gift is only 'for' the person gifting.

Your friend clearly has poor boundaries and lack of social awareness around gift giving - I have had a couple of friends like this and the sad thing is they make other people really uncomfortable.

It stems from a sort of anxiety - and their love language being giftin g- BUT - gifting is meant to be reciprocal. It's usually based in our culture, and it is generally understood that giving someone a much larger gift than they want to give back is not good form/

The fact is her ridiculous spending (more than some people spend on their children at christmas!!)- has made you feel awful.

If you genuinely care about her and the friendship - sit her down and say look this came from a good place but you have made me feel deeply uncomfortable - I really do not want these gifts and I am going to return them to you

i mean - come on, a friend buying you a ted baker shirt for your husband? It's just a consumption addiction on her part.

I would give back most of it, keep a gift for yourself, say i love you but this is ending right now.

Zoec1975 · 27/12/2025 10:20

NansCheeseFlan · 27/12/2025 02:32

We had someone like this in our group. Extravagant gifts not matching her income, all very awkward. Turned out she was shop lifting and gifting things she had stolen.

Maybe just tell her that your New Year’s resolution is not things, but experiences. You want to spend money on afternoon teas with a friend, or cinema etc instead of a physical gift as you get to spend time with them then.

I already thought of this,and I also thought she is a carer,I’m hoping she hasn’t stolen from the vulnerable to keep up with gifts:/

Snackpocket · 27/12/2025 10:13

Surely if you are close enough to be buying presents for each other, you could just send her a message and say her gifts were lovely but she really shouldn’t spend that much.

Silverbirchleaf · 27/12/2025 10:09

Your friend chose to buy the gifts, you didn’t request them, but I can see why you feel it’s put you in an awkward situation.

However, I don’t think you have to reciprocate with a similar level of spending. She made that decision , you don’t have to follow suit.

Performative present giving is never a nice trait.

Just thank her for the presents, and move on.

Daughter1234 · 27/12/2025 10:09

Years ago a not very close or well off friend came to one of my young children ‘s birthday party with her kids and handed them 50 pounds as a present which is alot now but was huge back then. Shocked I handed it straight back and said gosh thankyou but thats far too much. It was fine we had a bit of back and forward about take it blah blah but no way was I keeping it.

Parsleyforme · 27/12/2025 10:08

You couldn’t have known she was going to buy so much based on previous gifts. Plus, people don’t buy gifts because they’re expecting exactly the same value back. It’s the thought that counts etc. A thank you gift isn’t the norm, but you could write her a nice thoughtful thank you card if you wanted or get a small bunch of flowers.

Seeing as she is on a PT wage and it’s after Christmas, is there a chance she has regifted some gifts to you? Or she might’ve bought them on Vinted, so not spent as much as it seems. Do you know what she got other friends?

I would be very thankful for the gifts but wouldn’t offer them back as that could be seen as rude. I would assume the value will go back to normal next Christmas. Is your newborn your first DC?

Mustreadabook · 27/12/2025 09:49

It’s a special gift for the new baby. She will probably go back to normal levels next time.
Don’t try and match it or else it becomes the new normal.

BillieWiper · 27/12/2025 09:48

You weren't to know she'd suddenly spend way too much on you. Just say thank you. And if you can afford it buy her something at that level for her birthday.

deepseaargyllfish · 27/12/2025 09:44

There’s a huge discrepancy between the things she has gifted you previously (which sound like re-gifts) and the things this time. What’s that about?

Largestlegocollectionever · 27/12/2025 09:40

I’d speak to her about it and remind her you line her as a friend and she doesn’t need to buy your love!

OneBadKitty · 27/12/2025 09:34

I wouldn't do anything except thank her for the lovely gifts. If she feels short changed by your gifts to her then she'll reign it back next time.

Newyear26 · 27/12/2025 09:33

Well it’s up to her what she spends but that does sound over the top.

I wonder if she gets top up benefits which has given her extra money to spend? I have two family members who get so much money they hardly know what to do with it (one of them lives with me so I know the financial position exactly. It is a lot of money every 4 weeks and a lot of it goes on luxury goods and more and more stuff.)

Noshadelamp · 27/12/2025 09:17

Ohpleeeease · 27/12/2025 05:28

Just say “Friend, thank you for your lovely gifts but you are far too generous! We don’t need or want you to spend so much on us, your friendship is enough. Let’s make a pact to keep the gifts low key from now on and do some lovely things together instead!”

Yes this.Ive had a friend say this to me. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable so if course I have scaled back.
I'm like your friend, I absolutely love buying presents for people and get a lot of joy giving those presents.
I definitely don't expect the same back and don't actually take notice, I wouldn't work out you'd only bought something at tesco.

nestomalt · 27/12/2025 09:12

She sounds like a fool. This isn't being generous, this is being foolish. She's put you in a really awkward position. And mentioning that she spent a fortune on your baby! Who does that? Just keep giving £20 gifts, keep saying to her each time oh Rebecca this is too much, and hopefully she stops this nonsense.

Bourneo · 27/12/2025 09:09

She may have got them off vinted 'new with tags ' so might not be as expensive as you think. Still OTT though. Just say now that you have baby you're not going to buy for adults as it's too expensive x

SamPoodle123 · 27/12/2025 09:04

What does her husband do? Or maybe they have an inheritance or won the lottery you don't know about? I think some people can afford to be more generous than others, and they should not expect others to do the same if they cannot.

NoisyViewer · 27/12/2025 08:57

I would thank her for her gift as normal. Next year I would probably send out a message saying you’re not gifting anymore & hopefully she’ll take the hint. It was probably because you’ve had a baby that she pushed the boat out a little more this year

PhantomOfAllKnowledge · 27/12/2025 08:54

I would buy her something really nice for her next birthday, and then ahead of next Christmas, set the scene for lower value gifts - tell her you are economising and suggest a £20 limit. If she then chooses to disregard that, you needn't feel bad.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2025 08:50

SheSaidHummingbird · 27/12/2025 03:47

No. Your gift to her sounds really lovely and generous. What she gifts, where she shops and how much she spends is her choice. Friendship isn't transactional.

BTW - How the bloody hell did you wrangle wine, bath salts and a book for £20ish? Even a clubcard wouldn't do it.

easily done on £20

Wine is £5/6. Bath salts can be £3 or even posh £8/10 stuff. I’ve picked up books for £2/3 in shops

but her spending that amount on you is insane esp as she on a low wage and you do need to say to her - it was lovely and you feel bad she spent so much and never hear do a budget limit of £20

LostittoBostik · 27/12/2025 08:39

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 27/12/2025 08:33

Wowza. Talk about bringing a gun to a knife fight. There is being 'bolshy' and then there is being downright rude and mean. You can't talk to people that way.

Show quote history

Some people really do.

i was once told to “get counselling” after asking a friend for some advice.

i dropped that person instantly

people on Mumsnet are constantly talking about being ghosted by friends or unexpectedly losing a friend. I suspect they are all people who believe this is a kind, tactful or indeed acceptable way to speak to anyone - especially a friend

LostittoBostik · 27/12/2025 08:38

174ghxt · 27/12/2025 01:42

I may be totally wrong here, but she sounds a bit needy/insecure? If her gifts are so generous and you think she probably can't afford it? If I were you I would be upfront. If you love her, tell her that. Say, "Friend, I feel awkward, the baby was crying, I got something quickly and now you've been so generous, I feel a bit overwhelmed. You really don't have to spend so much." See how she responds. If she persists with the gifts, you'll feel less guilty about regifting or donating. But if you say you love her, you really value her, maybe she'll feel secure enough to scale back, eventually. Or maybe not. She might just love shopping!

This is how I read it too. It may be that she’s qorrrid now you have a baby you won’t have time for her. But it could equally be that she feels you deserve a treat as the PP period is hard and she’s recognising that.

On what she spent - that’s her choice, you can’t police it but you shouldn’t feel forced to match it either.

babyproblems · 27/12/2025 08:37

Take her out for a coffee (you pay) and tell her you feel awful that her gifts were so much and yours was small etc. Tell her you don’t have a lot of time and you really appreciate her gifts but in future you would feel more comfortable if she scaled back a bit! Very hard… she obviously likes giving gifts but I would feel so so uncomfortable with this dynamic. After all these years of friendship I’d find it really excessive and I’d resent her for making me feel guilty all the time! I also don’t have a lot of time so it would be a huge effort for me to do the same kind of gifts she is doing.