Feel bad for saying it, but I’m not enjoying Christmas at my elderly dad’s house

Has he been tested for dementia? It sounds as though he has the beginnings..I would make sure his GP will talk to you and suggest an appointment with the memory clinic. Not sure how close you live or If he has other support. If it is.dementia, you can start accepting it and planning for his future. You might need to arrange for carers to come in and check on him
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She's "selfish" because she won't spend an entire week with her dad when she lives not far away? Really?

I really don't understand why you need to spend an entire week, when you only live an hours drive. Why? Who decided that? Surely you could have been there Christmas morning and left Christmas night? Or the next day, at the latest. What is it with people in the UK (I'm not in the UK) needing to stay somewhere for a week or two weeks if they are more than 30 minutes drive away? I don't understand. What is with that???

Ignore posts banging on about how one day you’ll be old and exactly the same (crystal ball anyone?), as well as those missing loved ones who have died (sad and I empathise but totally irrelevant to your post). You sound like a devoted daughter but you need to look after yourself too. Shorter visits next year and set your own limits on what you are prepared to do.

If you only live an hour away you could still go home today and have a few days rest before picking him up on the 31st so you can see the bells in together on Hogmanay if he enjoys that so much. You are sounding as though it’s an all day drive

I just reread your posts. You’re only an hour away, same distance as me from my DPs. Just say you’re feeling rubbish because of the ear infection and you need to get home to rest and get a doctor’s appointment for Monday. You have already spent lots of time with him and will spend more on New Years Eve/Day.
I am probably going to say this wrong so please try to take the intent not the words, but if you had a DP you probably wouldn’t feel you needed to spend nearly two weeks with your DF, so take some time for yourself and your DD.

You have over committed yourself. Shorter visits are needed and you need to dictate what you can give him with a full on teaching job not the other way around.

Sadly, it does sound like the start of cognitive decline or dementia. Negativity, no empathy and needing to know what he is doing are all signs.

Can you move him a bit closer? If it is dementia then you need to start planning how you will manage it now. If he will discuss it then you need to have conversations about what he wants. Get Lasting Power of Attorney for both health and finances sorted now. Start getting a grip on his finances and health now so you are aware of what he has and the status.

We had done some of this but not all and I ended up going over to my Mum three or four times a week an hour away for a year. She was having two care calls a day. I gave up work to facilitate it and nearly had a breakdown. I’m still not right now thanks to that and other things.

Please get the ear infection checked, if you’re running on empty you might need antibiotics to help you fight it. Some can be serious if not treated, but that’s unusual and don’t mean to worry you. Particularly if you get a fever get advice. Pharmacists are now able to look in ears and can help with some types, would probably be able to see if it’s an outer or middle ear infection. More likely to be able to help directly with outer ear infex and signpost you to gp or urgent treatment if it looks like middle ear. Hope you feel better soon!

Can you suggest a relaxing day (a lie in) with ready prepared bits and pieces for dinner with a salad?

My DH is getting like this, I'm cooking Xmas dinner and he's asking what I'm planning to cook for New Year! The first think he asks in the mornings is what's for dinner tonight, before I even get a cup of tea, drives me nuts.

Is it really too late for this year ? I don’t know how far away you live but it’s only the 27th so if you leave today you and your DD can have 3-4 days to enjoy before you come back for the 31st dec. I suspect your DF may be struggling with so much company as well when he is used to being on his own. You could say you aren’t feeling well and just need to get home to your own surroundings for a while.

Well ...of course you're not enjoying it.
Where are YOUR choices?
Absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries.

You really need to rethink the length of time you commit to spending with him next year. This is your time to rest as well. Don’t be a martyr op. He also might be finding it difficult with you being in his house as well and will be glad when everything goes back to normal.

He is nearly 90! Of course he is a bit difficult and set in his ways. My toddler also needs a nap after lunch, it’s not impossible to plan around it. How many more Christmasses will you have together? Not many. Try and be a bit kind and understanding, I’m sure he appreciates it. Have a rest when he does and DD can watch a Christmas film.
this year I’m missing 3 people terribly at Christmas and none of them even lived to 87.

OP needs to be far more realistic about her own needs and set boundaries that take those needs into account. As a single parent of and only child to a widowed parent putting yourself and your needs anywhere is difficult but you really need to.

But yes, tell him you are unwell and you need to go home

Will he understand you aren’t well? Tell him you need a few days in. I’d consider driving home earlier than planned (with him).
Can you order takeaways a few days, can your dad get food for you all?

It’s draining. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them but it’s hard to cope at times.
Go to the G.P and get some antibiotic ear drops and look after yourself.

I think it is age - I recognise these behaviours from my mum. Write all the annoying things down. Swear on everything that is holy that you will NEVER do the same to your own children. My husband has my permission to lock me in the shed if he ever hears me fretting to the kids about tomorrow’s lunch or reciting our and our friends’ illnesses (the organ recital)

I think you need to remind him you're not feeling well and aren't up to leaving the house everyday. Would he sit and read the newspaper and maybe do a crossword to fill one morning? Tell him 'I'm not well enough to leave the house tomorrow, but if I get some rest, hopefully I'll be able to in a couple of days'. Also, think going back to your house earlier with him sounds like a solid plan.

Argh so sorry I ticked YABU and I didn’t mean to.
Echo what others have said, a week is a very long time and he is probably used to being on his own and doing things exactly the way he wants them. Can you get out a lot - go for long walks, hit the sales - to break it up a bit ?

I feel for you as I’m in the same boat . My mum isn’t as picky but has turned into such a negative moany women who repeats the same old stories like she’s telling them for the first time , is becoming hyper focussed on things that aren’t important, checking and checking the same detail . We played a board game and she provided a running commentary on every move I made in the context of was I cheating . Totally exhausting. Next year I’d like to go away but she has literally no one else so would be alone , although she says she doesn’t want friends .

how helpful