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Original poster

For speaking to my adult dd about her fiancé ?

107 replies

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:02

Dd is 25. Been with her bf for about four years , they met in covid . He was the first boy she had ever dated. She has social anxiety ( though much better now than she was ) and very low self esteem. We have never really warmed to him, it’s very hard to find the words to explain but he is an odd amalgam of device obsessed teenager and a 70 year old man that’s very set in his ways . On paper it’s a great relationship. She lives about two hours away , finishing up
her studies and he moved jobs to be with her. They have a rented house that’s really nice and a very quiet life of the odd Indian meal out and trips to the retail park or a stately home type outing ( dd doesn’t drink and he rarely does ) .
her brothers don’t like him as they don’t like him watching football on his phone at family gatherings and feel he puts her down and doesn’t help her self confidence. Having said that he is always made welcome here and we are nothing but nice to him and I never say anything to dd.
this time , before they came for Xmas, dd messaged me the previous days to say that he had gone out to his works Xmas do , got really drunk , managed to work the next day but then basically spent three days in bed. She sounded exasperated with him , for the first time ever.
they came home on Tuesday and we have hardly seen him , he will eat a meal with us then just disappear upstairs. On Xmas day , they went to his parents for the day , got home about 8.30 and he went straight to bed, didn’t even say hello.
tonight we were playing a board game and he just got up and went upstairs mid game , and didn’t reappear.
god sorry this is so long but gist is , is now a time to say something to dd ? I don’t want her to feel trapped into staying with him. I want to
offer to support her financially if needs be , pay his share of the rent etc so she knows she has options , but should I just not interfere ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:18

Lizzbear · 26/12/2025 23:10

No advice really. But I can understand how you feel. You could try asking her how she is generally and maybe slowly try to get a feel for how she feels about his behaviour?

Yes, that’s sort of the plan I think .

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 26/12/2025 23:17

Has he always been the same, or is more unsocial than normal?

Maybe you could ask if he’s okay, as he’s not really joining in? Or ask if there’s anything you’d like to do all together? Go for a walk? Coffee? Sone people are intimidated when staying at other peoples homes, although it sounds like he’s stayed at yours before?

Maybe you and her could just go for a walk and have a long chat? They got together quite young. Maybe be brave and gave that chat.

delightful1 · 26/12/2025 23:16

You sound very kind. I think it’s worth just letting her know if she ever has doubts, your support is there. It might just be the final straw to get her to leave if she wants to.

murasaki · 26/12/2025 23:16

Its a tricky one, as he's the first boyfriend, so she doesn't have any points of comparison. Add her social anxiety into the mix and she may think she can't do better. She can. But how you approach that, I don't know. It sounds like he may have social anxiety too, the taking himself away, but putting her down is not OK. I'd try lightly bringing into conversation 'how's it going ' rather than direct questions where she might get defensive. Keep your lines of communication open, being negative about him might shut them off which would be worse.

fashionqueen0123 · 26/12/2025 23:15

What’s her excuse when he disappears mid game etc. Like does he say I’m off or are you all just sitting there waiting for him to come back or does she make an excuse for him?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/12/2025 23:13

Both sound ND.

Lizzbear · 26/12/2025 23:10

No advice really. But I can understand how you feel. You could try asking her how she is generally and maybe slowly try to get a feel for how she feels about his behaviour?