For speaking to my adult dd about her fiancé ?

Good grief I would find that behaviour difficult to put up with. You must be very tolerant.

Wow.
Armchair psychiatrist . As a mental health nurse these type of comments really irritate me.

Anyway , the only thing he sounds to me is unreasonable OP and i would let her know that you are there for her , because i worry that she could end up feeling up lonely.

I think you should say something. You have to be quite calm and gentle with her. You could also detail the support you are willing to give her. She may not like it but it will mean that if she ever does contemplate leaving him she knows that you will support her and that she won’t be alone. It is really important that your talk with her should be drama free.

I suggest that it is best that you do this at a time when he isn’t around. Can you go out with her on your own after these holidays in the next couple of weeks?

I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t say something. Maybe he is ND, maybe he is just a selfish and rude man child who hasn’t been pulled up on his behaviour. No one can possibly know. Not even the keyboard psychologists. Social anxiety is not insurmountable. But it is easy to slowly spiral into an isolated life if you have a partner whose behaviour ensures you stay well within your comfort zone, and indeed, ensures that that zone gets smaller and smaller. Because that’s what suits him.

A partner should build your self esteem. Not reinforce it.

My ds had a girlfriend like this (including living with us during COVID) only difference being ds doesn't have siblings. It may be neurodiversity, it may be he's not feeling too well and nobody has bothered to tell you (thinking about the office do and drinking too much) he may just not feel like socialising. Leave the door open, let her know that you're there if she needs you. Eventually ds relationship crashed and burned as she decided he wasn't for her and he found her in bed with his best friend. Lots of different things can go on even when they've been together a while, the thing is to keep the door open
As for the disappearing etc, my ex h did this all the time and it never improved. He became extremely when ds was 2 as I just couldn't tolerate the behaviour anymore and he turned violent towards me because I suggested he think before being rude to others.

This sounds very like my autistic DH (apart from the bit about liking football). He will sit as a guest in someone’s house and completely ignore them and scroll on his phone or sometimes just close his eyes as though he’s asleep. He’ll even do this at the dinner table. He’ll also wander off halfway through a meal or conversation without excusing himself or anything. He hardly ever remembers to greet or acknowledge people when they enter the room. He will also often forget himself and start eating with his hands something most people use cutlery for (like salad).

It takes nerves of steel on my part to do anything social with him - sometimes he can pull it out of the bag and be polite and chat to people, but mostly he sits there with a face like a slapped arse or shuts down and dozes off.

All my family find him odd and unlikeable, which isn’t surprising really, as he consistently treats them like shit without ever really understanding that’s what he’s doing. I’ve tried over the course of 20 years to give him a sense of his impact but he insists manners are bullshit and anyone who cares about them is an idiot. So he just doesn’t come to family or other social events anymore, where possible, and I am fairly frank with people these days that he doesn’t socialise and has very low energy levels.

He wasn’t like this at the start - he was well and truly masked up until we were living together and married, so it all came as a bit of an abrupt shock when he just stopped making any kind of effort at all ever.

Some parts of our relationship do work relatively well despite all this - others less so.

Op, I suspected Neurodivergence from your opening post and I’m wondering if it’s something that your daughter and her boyfriend have considered for both of them.

They both sound like me and my hubby both got autistic traits in different ways, but I struggle more around family visiting around this time of year so will either engrose myself in my phone or go into a bedroom alone. Totally get it tbh and picked up on it straight away in Your post. We are very lucky to be in a big family who know our different needs and aren't bothered when I disappear or get my phone to switch my mind off. Hubby is my first boyfriend not sure why one would need loads to test if there right been married 15 years and happy as anything because have an understanding family and friend circle

100%

I could have written this post myself , about my own dd and her bf, she lives at home he has his own place but they are thinking about moving in together, she is our only child and we are a very close knit family he has siblings but moved out at 18 for university he’s probably more independent than our dd, but she’s happy at home . They have been dating for over 2 years this is their 3 rd Christmas and she invited him to join us on Christmas Day for dinner I totally understand he’s committed to her and enjoys her company and spending time with her, but he rarely speaks to us apart from a “hello” when he comes to the house he’s definitely not interested in making any effort to get to know her family , or be in our company unless he has to ,she wanted to spend time with her family on Christmas Day he didn’t so stayed upstairs and she took him home on Boxing Day she was hurt by his lack of effort , I am dreading if she leaves home because I think he would discourage her from visiting us , he’s her first serious boyfriend

She texted him??? Why didn't she go and find him to speak to him?

Sounds massively like she's settled

Familiarity breeds contempt is a saying for a reason. It could be that. Just keep the lines of communication open with her by not going in too heavily. But I can see why you're worried given her emotional immaturity re relationships and wanting to have what her brothers have regardless of the personal cost.

They both sound ND.

You have just described to a T not having much, if any social battery. It's not unusual behaviour at all for Those with Autism or ADHD. The head noise is insane, and your irrationally irritated with innocent people for doing innocent things unless your hyper focussed on something or away from others completely.

I won't even try a board game let alone a whole one. I've got ADHD, and " sit down, wait your turn, don't interrupt others goes and repeat same thing for two hours" doesn't land well with me and my people 😂😂 And don't even ask me to sit and watch a film...I would rather appear rude than go through either.

It's right to approach her and see how she is feeling about things, but if she brings nothing of concern to you, then accept it's not personal and plod on. He will open up to you more and feel safer being himself, the more accepted he feels his quirks are :) Some people just find it safer to just come across rude. I think it's telling that in 4 years you have only heard your DD exasperated with him once! She clearly sees a side of him he doesn't show to others. Good luck :)

Please say something.

You obviously love her and want the best for her. It is ok for you to say that you feel unsure he's able to give her all of that. If the relationship really is strong, she will get past you expressing some gentle concerns in an honest way. But if she's wavering, or if in the future she starts to feel it's not ok, it will mean the world to her to know that you bothered to raise the subject. She will feel able to come to you and tell you if there's a problem.

I don't even think you need to go into the specifics that PPs suggest. I think you just need to say, gently, that you are wondering if she's really happy and you want her to have someone who will really love her the way she deserves. If she is unhappy, this will sink in - even if not right now - and she will know you are in her corner. That's what matters.

I'd just say to her I've noticed x doesn't really engage much or want to seem to spend time with us really, not even saying hello on Xmas day when you got home and leaving the table mid game today. Just wanted to check everything is okay with him? Are you getting on okay, is he just overwhelmed when he is here?

Dp disappears to bed randomly here at home with me and thats OK, but he knows not to do it at my parents' house so always says goodnight, it's about knowing how people roll, and the boyfriend just didn't care if he knew she'd be upset by it and you'd all feel uncomfortable.

No advice how to raise this with her but please don't let her marry this weird guy. It doesn't sound like they bring the best out in each other.

You played that well.

Effectively, as the first boyfriend, this is like 15 year old, you express a negative, they want to see them more. Good luck, you sound like a lovely mum.

I thought that too. You don't want to end up in a situation where she sides with him over you, so you can't say anything negative about him, but you can just check in on her in a light way, and give her opportunities to speak should she want to.