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Original poster

For speaking to my adult dd about her fiancé ?

107 replies

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:02

Dd is 25. Been with her bf for about four years , they met in covid . He was the first boy she had ever dated. She has social anxiety ( though much better now than she was ) and very low self esteem. We have never really warmed to him, it’s very hard to find the words to explain but he is an odd amalgam of device obsessed teenager and a 70 year old man that’s very set in his ways . On paper it’s a great relationship. She lives about two hours away , finishing up
her studies and he moved jobs to be with her. They have a rented house that’s really nice and a very quiet life of the odd Indian meal out and trips to the retail park or a stately home type outing ( dd doesn’t drink and he rarely does ) .
her brothers don’t like him as they don’t like him watching football on his phone at family gatherings and feel he puts her down and doesn’t help her self confidence. Having said that he is always made welcome here and we are nothing but nice to him and I never say anything to dd.
this time , before they came for Xmas, dd messaged me the previous days to say that he had gone out to his works Xmas do , got really drunk , managed to work the next day but then basically spent three days in bed. She sounded exasperated with him , for the first time ever.
they came home on Tuesday and we have hardly seen him , he will eat a meal with us then just disappear upstairs. On Xmas day , they went to his parents for the day , got home about 8.30 and he went straight to bed, didn’t even say hello.
tonight we were playing a board game and he just got up and went upstairs mid game , and didn’t reappear.
god sorry this is so long but gist is , is now a time to say something to dd ? I don’t want her to feel trapped into staying with him. I want to
offer to support her financially if needs be , pay his share of the rent etc so she knows she has options , but should I just not interfere ?

OP posts:
Owly11 · 27/12/2025 08:29

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:21

We all thought he had gone to the loo, then he just never appeared. She was surprised as well and messaged him, but then we all just sort of ignored it as didn’t want her to be embarrassed so pretended like it was completely normal behaviour.

Show quote history

Don't do this. You don't want her to think his behaviour is normal so don't behave as if it is. Modelling what is and isn't healthy is the best way for her to learn what you want her to learn. Don't model one thing and then have a 'big conversation' telling her something else.

hididdlyho · 27/12/2025 08:23

If the boyfriend is putting DD down in front of you, I would definitely politely challenge that each time.

I think it's ok to initiate a general conversation with DD about relationships and reasonable expectations. Along the lines of a good partner doesn't put you down and it's normal to want that for yourself. You could check in over the him getting drunk incident, as she's already reached out to you about that. It's possible she was wanting to get your opinion on that behaviour as she's cottoned on it's unreasonable and wants reassurance she's right.

brokenbiscuitsadness · 27/12/2025 08:12

@VoltaireMittyDream

wow! Kindly how on earth are you able to stay married to someone who displays such rudeness to your friends and family? ND or not that must take such a massive toll on your own wellbeing.

Applecup · 27/12/2025 08:07

I think as a mum you are allowed to voice your unease but be careful how you do it. Maybe along the lines of ‘is x okay? I noticed he disappeared a few times during the weekend. Is everything okay?’ Might open up an opportunity for her to confide in you.

PodMom · 27/12/2025 08:06

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:28

@murasakithats exactly it. Her brothers are older and both have been in stable long term relationships for a long time, she didn’t have that and was always the one on her own at things. I think she likes having a partner and overlooks the bad stuff. She wants the relationship and the dog and a baby and thinks he is the only way to do that and giving up him will lose that life she pictures for herself and in her head she won’t find anyone else.
@Silverbirchleaf he has always made much more of an effort I think , he is particularly bad this time. He has never been openly rude or just vanished mid gathering before. He knows us well, he lived here for six months in the second Covid wave .

i think a bit of gentle probing is the way forward

My mum was autistic. She once said to me the only reason she married my dad was because he asked her and she was worried nobody else ever would. She then spent 40 years being fairly unhappy.

PotatoPrometheus · 27/12/2025 08:04

I think your idea of gently talking to her and just explaining she has options is a good idea. If that’s the worst thing he does then (in the grand scheme of men) it’s nowhere near as bad as it could be…it’s just a bit odd.

I totally get the disappearing to bed thing. I get very exhausted and overwhelmed by social situations. I have to really pace myself over Christmas. I will usually disappear for a bit on Christmas day to go take a nap if we’re at DH’s family house. I will at least preface it by telling people I’m just going to take a nap though rather than just vanishing…but if he’s shy or embarrassed maybe he just doesn’t think to explain it to people. DH‘s family have always been very kind about it…you sound equally lovely to be open to trying to understand what‘s going on with him rather than just writing him off completely. I think a conversation with her is a good start, give her the forum to open a bit and listen to what she has to say about it all as well.

WareColkar · 27/12/2025 08:03

I’d continue to give her emotional support and build her confidence and hope she comes to the conclusion herself. I wouldn’t say anything directly about him

Only2daystogo · 27/12/2025 08:01

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/12/2025 23:13

Both sound ND.

Yep

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 27/12/2025 07:59

Tread carefully. My DW has a feeling my DM doesn’t like her. She might be right. If my DM said something I’d hate it as I’d always know and I don’t want to keep secrets from my wife. I’d also prob see my mum less as wouldn’t want to put DW in that situation knowing my mum doesn’t like her

Beesandhoney123 · 27/12/2025 07:41

He lived with you for six months. You must know him pretty well. Can't you ask him why he is being so odd?

If he is working up to leaving your dd after Christmas, you probably need to chat now- just say he seems different, and if she wants a break from it, to stay with you if she wants. I'm sure you could ve very subtle!

WakeUpchangeChannelSleeeeeep · 27/12/2025 07:34

VoltaireMittyDream · 27/12/2025 03:05

This sounds very like my autistic DH (apart from the bit about liking football). He will sit as a guest in someone’s house and completely ignore them and scroll on his phone or sometimes just close his eyes as though he’s asleep. He’ll even do this at the dinner table. He’ll also wander off halfway through a meal or conversation without excusing himself or anything. He hardly ever remembers to greet or acknowledge people when they enter the room. He will also often forget himself and start eating with his hands something most people use cutlery for (like salad).

It takes nerves of steel on my part to do anything social with him - sometimes he can pull it out of the bag and be polite and chat to people, but mostly he sits there with a face like a slapped arse or shuts down and dozes off.

All my family find him odd and unlikeable, which isn’t surprising really, as he consistently treats them like shit without ever really understanding that’s what he’s doing. I’ve tried over the course of 20 years to give him a sense of his impact but he insists manners are bullshit and anyone who cares about them is an idiot. So he just doesn’t come to family or other social events anymore, where possible, and I am fairly frank with people these days that he doesn’t socialise and has very low energy levels.

He wasn’t like this at the start - he was well and truly masked up until we were living together and married, so it all came as a bit of an abrupt shock when he just stopped making any kind of effort at all ever.

Some parts of our relationship do work relatively well despite all this - others less so.

Wow. You are a saint. If they can mask to this degree, they know full well what they are doing.

Blizzardofleaves · 27/12/2025 07:32

CatLady476 · 27/12/2025 07:18

Echoing ND question raised earlier. As someone with multiple ND relations, honestly, what is wrong with withdrawing quietly when your social battery has run out? It sounds like an excellent coping strategy to me - why read it as weird and rude?

Withdrawing politely isn’t sat fixated on your phone or disappearing mid game.

Withdrawing quietly is being polite and involved initially, and when your battery dies telling your hosts you have a headache/need some downtime and will he back soon - thanking them as you leave for making you feel so welcome/for dinner etc.

Cupboarddoorknob · 27/12/2025 07:32

Could maybe one of her brothers say something to her?

ClearFruit · 27/12/2025 07:31

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/12/2025 23:13

Both sound ND.

Every. Single. Fucking. Post.

WakeUpchangeChannelSleeeeeep · 27/12/2025 07:29

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:19

I think they are but thought I might get shouted at here for saying that. Dd has many autistic girl attributes and he certainly does.

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It's bad that this forum has degenerated so badly that an OP can't say everything they want to to get their point across for fear of being flamed.

Blizzardofleaves · 27/12/2025 07:27

It really is best to focus on her needs and feelings, and don’t mention him when you chat to her op.
Ask her if she is happy? Contented? Is she worried about anything? Don’t mention him at all, and she won’t then be put in a position of defending him, or her life or being disloyal.

It might be that if she stays with him you will have to adjust your expectations of him socially.

I would not want this for my dd I have to be honest. A very small and confined life without very much social interaction. I would be encouraging friendships, hobbies, focus on her career and studies, sports and activities. These will give her confidence, wider friendships and a life beyond him.

Gremlins101 · 27/12/2025 07:22

I guess before you say anything you need to reiterate how she has your 100% support and love and you'll stand by all her decisions.

But as someone who spent 6 years with one of these guys, try not to let it become normalised when he acts like a weirdo. Your daughter thinks he is what she deserves, and your smiling and pretending everything is normal confirms that for her. Im not suggesting you offend her by saying he is being a complete moron, but you can say little things like "is he treating you right? Because he should... you're amazing!".I cant think of anymore things off the top of my head but it was the little comments like that, that made me feel good and that I deserved more, and just put in my mind the seed of doubt about the guy, that helped in the end. I have one friend who would say this kind of thing alot and I always credit him with helping me leave that guy which resulted in me finding my (slightly) more normal husband 😄

Best of luck OP. Hope your daughter is OK. Those relationships are draining

CatLady476 · 27/12/2025 07:18

Echoing ND question raised earlier. As someone with multiple ND relations, honestly, what is wrong with withdrawing quietly when your social battery has run out? It sounds like an excellent coping strategy to me - why read it as weird and rude?

Porcuine20 · 27/12/2025 06:20

It sounds like he might be struggling with something at the moment - burnout, stress, depression, a physical illness? I’d come at it from that angle when chatting to her - that he doesn’t seem his usual self, is she worried about him? If they’re both possibly ND, things are possibly better between them when they’re alone than when trying to be sociable with family. My mum couldn’t stand my first boyfriend and made that pretty clear (looking back he was clearly autistic, as am I, but we were both just seen as rather odd high-achievers at school back then). However the relationship I had with him was a real turning point for me - he actually loved me for who I was, quirks and all, and I could genuinely be myself with him. After years of bullying at school it did so much for my self-esteem. He was so awkward around my family though - never quite managed to say the right thing, came across rude even though in private he was very kind.

ArthriticOldLabrador · 27/12/2025 06:05

Ask her if she’s happy but give no opinion of him yourself. The conversation will unfold from there. If she has doubts about him it’s important she knows it’s ok not to go forward with the wedding. Keep the conversation centred on her rather than it becoming a criticism of him.

mbonfield · 27/12/2025 06:05

He lacks social skills and it is very difficult to be social if you have no intention of being polite.
As you have said he was with you for 6 months so you would think he would have some idea how behave.
The are both adults and sometimes you just have to let them get on with it and hope they learn from their mistakes!

Pinkchristmastree6 · 27/12/2025 05:59

Or he's relaxed with you all now ,to not need to mask .
He's clearly overwhelmed and gone upstairs to regulate himself
I'm diagnosed autistic
Sometimes when visiting in-laws I have to go and sit in the car for a bit
And that's despite knowing them 30 years ..I can't help it ,need to be by myself for a bit to be able to cope

supercalifra · 27/12/2025 05:46

I am still grateful to my parents for influencing me in breaking up with a boyfriend of 4 years. Had they not done that I would have been trapped in a relationship with a very negative individual and I would not have found my husband and father of my children, he is amazing. They did it in a very delicate and supportive way making me think what I really wanted for myself and giving me perspective as to what I really deserved. YANBU.

Mapletree1985 · 27/12/2025 05:37

It sounds like he has no social skills at all.

Ohpleeeease · 27/12/2025 05:33

Anonyalphamom · 26/12/2025 23:19

I think they are but thought I might get shouted at here for saying that. Dd has many autistic girl attributes and he certainly does.

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This will explain why they are comfortable with each other and will tolerate behaviours that seem odd to others.

It also means they might be more inclined to settle for each other even if they aren’t happy together rather than deal with change.

If she seems genuinely happy with him I would not interfere, but if you see signs of controlling behaviour I think it would be right to speak up.

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