For speaking to my adult dd about her fiancé ?

The trouble with acting like it's normal behaviour is that she is learning that you all think it's OK for him to behave like that, so she will feel she's being unreasonable to be upset by it. I think she is probably crying out for someone to talk to about it. I bet she is screaming inside, blaming herself, trying to think of ways to change him etc etc.

If I was her, I'd be so grateful if you'd come and sit with me and listen to how awfully I was being treated, and told that I had your support if I wanted help to leave him.
I wouldn't know what was normal or reasonable any more and would feel very confused.

Hear Hear!

I love your description of him. You have perspicacity.

So what is your plan (what with wimmin not being rehabilitation centres for dysfunctional men etc.) ??

Don't be scared to say something for fear of pushing her away, but be careful how you do it.
He is being rude and disrespectful to her, as well as you. She needs to see that. Maybe their relationship isn't good anymore but neither of them can see a reason to end it, or they're scared to. I'd worry that you say she sees him as her only option for the life she envisages. Make sure she knows she has choices, and if she is not happy with him now, she will never truly realise that dream.

Please don't allow possible neurodiversity, or anything else (drugs? Mental health?) be used as an excuse for his poor behaviour by either of them, particularly if he hasn't always been like this.

I wish my parents had sat me down and told me not to marry DH1.

I would absolutely sit her down and share your concerns.

Im autistic and one of my issues has always been making shit decisions on the basis that I’m going along with what I perceive as other people’s norms and don’t know how to change things.

You need to give your DD the assurance that it’s ok to end a relationship she’s not happy with and that his behaviour is not socially acceptable. She may genuinely be OK with it in which case you let them crack on.

I queried your post because I can't see the relevance of the mental health nurse, to my post.

I did suggest this young man might have other MH conditions rather than being ND.

It's not normal behavior .... from your perspective... 🤷🏼‍♀️ You don't see all sides of him, and he may have a good Mask. My MIL has only just started seeing certain parts of me after 16 years, the last pieces of my mask fell off after I lost my own Mum, and I trusted MIL enough to see who I really was, which is a bit of a nob. 😂

I think to acknowledge the change you have seen though, with kindness and a concern about depression as you mentioned, is a smart way to trigger an open conversation with DD. :)

No mental health nurse involved at any point. Normal procedure for our very large city.

Only nurses in the department were neuro disability nurses.

ND is not a mental health issue. So why would a mental health nurse be involved in diagnosis?

No didn't miss that either.

Yes, I read the thread, did you not read my answers?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

My dd was diagnosed by a pyschologist, psychiatrist and speech therapist.
No mental health nurse ever involved.

And….(I’m not sure what you are saying?)

I don’t think my DH knew he was masking - I think I was his special interest and he put all his energy into being a fantastic boyfriend. It was a hobby and project for him, and he loves a project, and loves to do things well.

Once the project was complete, we were married, and suddenly he stopped bathing and brushing his teeth with any regularity and spent all his time restoring old electronics and wouldn’t speak for days on end even though he insisted there was nothing wrong.

MN at the time told me he was depressed and I must support him.

He wasn’t depressed - this was his baseline. When he’s actually depressed he goes into obsessive, ruminative, catastrophising spirals and develops whole body aches and terrible fevers and literally can’t get out of bed.

He does mean well. But no, it doesn’t feel like a partnership much of the time, it feels like I am his carer - though he would be horrified to know I think of it this way, as he has very little insight into how his experience and functioning differs from other people’s.

I'd simply say ... just a gentle reminder that we will support you in any way we can if you need us to.

It does, TBH. It is enormously draining and stressful and lonely.

He can’t help it though. And he does mean well - there isn’t a nasty bone in his body, though there are times when I’m not sure that counts for as much as I think it does when functionally I’m still left carrying everything, practically and socially and emotionally.

We can’t separate for financial reasons (and also because I couldn’t rely on him to be able to take proper care of DC during contact time, and I also don’t think he’d really manage to live independently TBH).

You could have a very gentle talk. I will have little talks with my sons every so often just to check in that they are still happy in their relationships. I don’t interfere but do impart my wisdom every so often.

Have they fallen out over the drunken incident? And he's keeping out of the way on her territory so to speak. Went to the loo and didn't come back, I would assume embarrassing upset stomach. Or are you all drinking and he's avoiding it after the other day?

Something happened at the Xmas do.

He sounds like he has social anxiety too

I was going to say could you ask him if he is OK? Just say "you don't seem your normal self, is everything OK"

They all know one another pretty well - OP says that he lived with them for 6 months during covid but that he has changed recently - it's all in her opening post

Is he not just autistic? From how you describe him it sounds like he can't handle spending the entire time around people. I'm not neurodiverse and would struggle being sat with my in-laws with no escapefor days on end, when I first started going out with my husband (we were 21) I'd disappear for a breather from them, it's hard work.

Going out getting drunk on his works do is neither here nor there, he's young and has no ties. Watching football on his phone, he's probably just bored. Also it's completely normal for brothers to not like their sister's first boyfriend, she isn't bringing round a mate for them. My husband is polar opposite to my brother, they'd never be mates if they met oneanother separately, there's nothing wrong with my husband though, they are just different people. My brother did used to act weird about my first boyfriend's when I was much younger he hated every single one, but had no real reason to.

I'm sure your daughter has similar struggles around his parent's house, if she has similar issues, I doubt you'd be pleased if his family were making similar comments about your daughter.

I'd leave well alone, spending 24/7 with your in-laws doesn't give you any insight into their relationship, I used to hate being around my in-laws (past tense, we just don't do it anymore!).

Yes, but this time they really really do......

Sounds a lot like my ex, I got with him at 19 and my parents were never his biggest fans - my Dad was especially hostile towards him but only communicated this openly once I eventually left him as my ex would otherwise have cut me off from the family which would have destroyed my Mum. On family occasions with my side of the family he made sure I never left his side and if his working patterns meant he couldn't attend a family gathering with me I wasn't allowed to go either - it changed somewhat when we had children and I eventually started attending more family events without him. There were times I wasn't allowed to see my Mum and Dad unless he was present but this gradually settled down. My parents wouldn't say anything or ask questions in case it caused upset or my ex laid down the law, but always told me when he wasn't present or in earshot that I was always welcome to move back home - I know my Mum would tear her hair out with worry that I wasn't being treated right and wanted me to stay close. I always thought that my parents would make me feel like a failure if I left home and came back to them, or that nobody else would want me.

Whether his behaviour is a result of ND or not is irrelevant really. We’re not obligated to tolerate someone because their behaviour is likely down to autism. If this man is not capable of making this young lady happy, as the OP fears, then shouldn’t she move on, irrespective of the reasons?

My brother is autistic. I don’t have any contact with him, because his behaviour makes me fearful and miserable. He can’t help it, but that doesn’t make me less fearful or miserable.

Sounds like my ex bil, who would pull all sorts of rude shit when visiting. No nd, no social anxiety, no mh problems. He was just a cunt.

Did something happen at the Xmas do? Is he ill? It reads like maybe he isn’t feeling well as you have previously got on fine with him. Or something else is off?

Perhaps I’ve read it wrong but putting aside the fact that both OP’s daughter and her boyfriend appear to be ND what I took from her post is that her daughter doesn’t seem to be as happy in the relationship as she once was.
Apart from the fact her daughter had already mentioned her frustration over his behaviour after his work Christmas night out the fact that they came in after spending Christmas Day with his family and went straight up to bed without so much of an hello we’re back would lead me to wonder why she at least didn’t feel able to have a quick chat about the day. Similarly her texting, rather than going up to make sure he was OK after he abruptly left the family board game.
Perhaps I’m adding 2 and 2 up to make 5 but even allowing for his and her’s possible ND alarm bells about the future for this relationship would definitely be ringing for me.
My children are young and I have no real advice as to what OP can do to try and help her daughter for whatever the future might bring relationship wise but based on what she’s said as a first step I’d probably try and start a discussion along the lines of I’d noticed that he didn’t appear to be himself and see where that led.