Baby ill from friend's toddler

When DS was 12 months old we went to a baby and toddler group and there was a mother and toddler right next to us, both with red and swollen eyes and red and runny noses. Just a couple days later DS developed a fever and ended up in hospital for a week seriously ill with RSV. I know he could have caught it anywhere but I suspect it probably was at that baby group.

Too many people care only about themselves and not how their actions affect other people.

I agree with you OP. Years and years on if any of our family members have nasty colds we don't go visiting each other. I know we can catch colds anywhere but wouldn't knowingly inflict them on anyone.

Lets see how you get on in 12 months time. I guarantee you will be carting your snotty toddler everywhere with gay abandon like the rest of us. We all start out with different ideas and then the reality of juggling life around their illnesses plays out and you just ignore the snot.

I had a Covid baby and it has taken years for her immune system to catch up from the lack of exposure. There’s no benefit to avoiding the colds. It makes everything worse.

No, just no. That’s complete nonsense. No one wants their child to have a cold or be ill, so of course people mind someone with a cold being around their own children.

Throw in that there are many children who get seriously ill with just a simple cold.

YANBU
parents of ill children who freely spread it around are selfish twats IMO

yes some germs are unavoidable, eg supermarkets or the cinema where you will be around lots of people and not know if they are ill, however, someone who is clearly ill turning up at your house at Christmas time is not ok. Of course that’s where you got the germs, I would be livid too.

People are just selfish, that’s all there is to it. You’ll get people saying you’re being precious and you can never go anywhere if you stay home with a sick toddler, but it’s one thing to go out, it’s another thing to mix with other people and spread germs.

I always cancel plans if one of us are sick. You can still go for walks, etc without having to spread germs so it’s not like you’re confined to your house all the time.

Selfish and shitty parenting.

There’s a difference between ‘cracking on’ and taking an ill toddler round the shops or to pick something up, compared to visiting someone. Particularly a baby in their own home. I am shocked by the amount of selfish people that have responded, but explains a lot. It’s something that I find extremely infuriating.

I remember the nursery days. The first year seemed like constant illness. You do get more matter of fact with it. The friend should have let you know though. On a plus point my DD now has the constitution of an ox! She is a teenager now.

It's a week before Christmas, I have elderly family members, I'm exclusively breastfeeding and running on next to no sleep...

But the toddler's mum is in the same position I'm sure. Sometimes you get even less sleep when they're 20 months with a cold than you do when they are 5 weeks with a cold. I certainly had more exhaustion when I was back at work and toddler was still waking at night and needed much more energy in the daytime and had to get out of the house. It feels when you are a new FTM that you are more exhausted and more of a special case than everyone else, but truthfully we are all absolutely run ragged and the only difference between 12 weeks in and 3 years in is that we are (plus side)
more used to it and (minus side) more cumulatively drained by it. And with a toddler nobody's bringing you stuff and cooking your Christmas dinner, you are probably back to doing it for others. This isn't a competitive exhaustion thing, just a reason why the other mum might just see your little family as also in the trenches, rather than someone needing specific treatment.

And children are always, always ill at Christmas, for years, and so are parents very often. It's one of the crappy things nobody tells you. Aside from a massive vomiting bug, or a very newborn baby I can't see why anyone would mind a cold to be briefly around a child. For all you know, you might have given the baby the cold yourself off someone you passed in the supermarket.

If I was visiting an ADULT friend and I was full of cold, I would give them the heads up. Let alone a toddler that doesn’t cover its mouth when it coughs etc. Of course people are going to catch colds but to knowingly pass it on …

Some people are just so rude.

Common sense really isn't common anymore, of course you aren't unreasonable! She should have visited without the toddler or rescheduled rather than bringing an obviously coughing toddler to visit a baby for goodness sake. Sure , you can be unexpectedly exposed to colds when you go out and about, but that doesn't mean you don't try and avoid it where it's blatantly obvious.

I’ve been both people in this situation…!
I was livid when a friend’s toddler licked my 6 month old’s face and gave him a dreadful virus, which I then caught and couldn’t kick for weeks.
I have also done my fair share of ignoring the low level viruses my toddlers have had and taking them places without thinking. As someone else said, if you never took a toddler out with a snotty nose then you’d never go out.
She should have given you a heads up though. I’m sorry you’ve been ill over Christmas

Agree but there's a difference between unknowingly picking a bug up which we all have to accept as part of life and knowing full well your child has a cold and then visiting people a few days before Christmas.

All that friend needed to do was to give a heads up about the cold before coming round. Easy, free and just courteous.

YANBU OP.

I’d normally say it’s ok to expose them to stuff like this, it’s inevitable and builds immunity. However I do think it’s a bit shitty of her to do it right before Christmas without even a heads up. It’s effectively spoilt your baby’s first Christmas and while it could have come from somewhere else, it’s fairly likely that the coughing, sneezing toddler who was in your home just a few days before you came down with it was the culprit.
I get why you’re annoyed.

You wouldn't think if it now, but wait until your baby is a toddler and they're ill constantly between September and March, you do become a bit immune to it.

I'm not saying what she did was right, but it's an easy mistake to make when in the depths of a six month long cold.

She’s a Twat

"it is very convenient for people to say "oh well, life goes on, they are going to catch colds anyway etc."

Because it does and they do.

A bit rude and I wouldn't have done it but you do get a bit blase about these things when you have a toddler.

Oh dear, it’s horrible when wee ones are ill. I sympathise, I really do.

But coughs and colds come with children, with life. You or your DH could catch a cold at work, in the supermarket etc etc

We accidentally gave six other children chicken pox. These things come with parenting.

Your child will give other kids germs too. It’s inevitable and largely unavoidable I’m
afraid.

I had a friend who cheerfully informed me she had a cold and was coming to visit my newborn. I lost the friendship when I told her she certainly wasn't. Now your baby isn't a newborn but I wouldn't dream of dragging my sick child out visiting other children and, if I was prone to doing so, I certainly wouldn't be doing it just before Christmas. I would be giving your friend a fairly wide berth in future, literally and figuratively. In fact, in your circumstances I'd have asked her to leave.

She shouldn’t have done it.

But I think when you have a toddler who is in that constant cough and cold stage you do become a bit immune to it (metaphorically speaking), and maybe don’t really register it as much and so just don’t really think.

ETA - I also agree with the PP who said you could have said no to her coming in once you realised. Sometimes the onus will be on you to avoid the illness because not everyone will stay away even when they should.

You noticed the toddler was ill and the friend confirmed it so you should have said 'i am so sorry to be picky but i don't want any illness in the house just before xmas, let's try and meet another time when everyone is well'. Your house, your rules.